Dealing with Loss: Help Needed

29 10 2009

When a young person experiences a significant loss, they rarely know how to handle the pain, so many of them run away from it or around it as quickly as they can.  In our culture, grief is seen as a temporary weakness. It’s something we must tolerate quickly, no matter the severity of the loss. It’s hoped to be a short period of crying and depression that is to be endured.  For some, it’s even taboo.  It’s a bit like the stomach flu.  Most people feel bad for you but don’t really want to hear all about it or be near you. We would all prefer to avoid it altogether, but that’s so unhealthy.

By avoiding grief, we avoid healing.  We don’t deal with these very important things, so we simply cover up wounds.  And in time we get infections.  Then we cover those up and ignore them.  In time, we are a mess, and we wonder why.  For some, it stunts their personal growth.

sad teenager

People who experience loss without mourning are stuck in the shallows.  They are unwilling to go below the surface of life.  They are “puddle-jumpers,” splashing about in the rain, ignoring the storms in their lives (past or present) and in the peoples’ lives around them.  They “be-bop” from one fun thing to the next, without examining the matters of the heart that are disturbing or sorrowful.

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Categories : Adolescence, Parenting, Social Development, Spiritual Development

Kids Need Community

26 10 2009

“No man is an island,” said John Donne, in reference to the ripple effect of the death of one man in a community.  Indeed, we are made for community; we are not meant to live alone.  By living and working with others, we enjoy many benefits.  By choosing to go it alone, whatever the endeavor, we give up countless blessings.  While mavericks make great movie characters, real loners miss out on so much. Unfortunately, there are more and more loners in our modern world.

A large social study in 2006 at Duke University illustrated “a sobering picture of an increasingly fragmented America, where intimate social ties — once seen as an integral part of daily life and associated with a host of psychological and civic benefits — are shrinking or nonexistent.”  Click here for the article “We’re not saying people are completely isolated. They may have 600 friends on Facebook.com and e-mail 25 people a day, but they are not discussing matters that are personally important.”

teen in hall alone

It’s nothing new to learn that many people find it extremely difficult to live with others.  They find themselves in all kinds of trouble when they have to work with others at length.  They hurt people’s feelings, and they get hurt.  They annoy and they get annoyed.  They both get jealous and cause jealousy.  So, they do the logical thing; they take the path of least resistance and withdraw from others.  They become independent, vowing to avoid the problems that people cause in their lives.

After all, it is much easier, in the short run, to look out for yourself and take care of your own business, steering clear of other people’s business.  But easy is not always good, especially when it comes to relationships.

Robert D. Putnam, a professor of public policy at Harvard and the author of Bowling Alone, wrote his famous book about the same problem – increasing social isolation in the United States.  He believes that people must make deliberate steps to join and remain in small communities; otherwise, they will suffer great long-term consequences.

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Categories : Parenting, Relationship, Social Development

If (Rudyard Kipling)

22 10 2009
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If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
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If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:
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If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
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If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!
by, Rudyard Kipling
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Categories : Adolescence, Education, Self-Discipline, Social Development

Just Believe in Yourself

19 10 2009

“Just believe in yourself, and you can achieve anything.”

“Pursue your dream, and don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do it.”

“If you dream it, you can be it.”

Countless movies, songs, TV shows, and motivational speakers have preached this message.  And countless teachers, coaches, and counselors preach the same message.  Parents teach their children the same.

So, why would any young person ever doubt it?  Most believe it 100% — until they experience enough reality that they realize that it’s a lie that adults tell to make children (and themselves) feel good. It’s just like the Easter Bunny, Santa Clause, and the Tooth Fairy.  It’s something that feels good and right at the time, but eventually, life reveals that it’s just not true.

basketballHow many boys have spent hours each day playing basketball in the driveway because they knew that they could one day play in the NBA?  How many make it?  How many can even reach the simple goal of dunking?  I know I tried everything to dunk, only to find that I was just not able, no matter how much I believed, how much I practiced, or how much I learned.  I wasn’t good enough to play in college either.  I wish someone (or several people) had told me something a lot more truthful, such as, “Quit trying to dunk and spend more time shooting because your only chance at playing in college is as a shooting guard.  But don’t count on it, since the odds are extraordinarily stacked against it.  Studying is much better for you than playing so much basketball.”

How many girls have spent endless hours singing in order to make it in the music business.  How many make it?  How many can even reach the simple goal of getting the lead part in their high school musical?  How many high school musical leads get a recording contract?  How many girls will be the next Miley Cyrus or Beyonce?  What percentage of American Idol contestants succeed in getting fame?  For millions of girls, it just doesn’t happen — no matter how much they believe in themselves and practice and learn and believe some more.  It’s a fantasy.

It hinders kids to tell them that they can do whatever they put their mind to.  And that’s in addition to the fact that it is a lie.  It may be easy, feel-good advice, but it’s not true and it’s not helpful.

So what’s the solution?

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Categories : Adolescence, Athletics, Education, Parenting

Growing Old in a World Gone Young

15 10 2009

coolguyA local radio station brags that they are “Younger. Smarter. Better.”  It’s one of many marketing messages that tells us that grown-ups are “Older. Dumber. Inferior.”  Well, as a long-time teacher of 12 and 13 year olds, I can tell you that younger is not smarter and better.

Younger is cuter.  Younger is more energetic.  Younger is more creative.  But it’s also usually uneducated, unwise, and unbalanced.  It’s mostly insecure, immature, and trendy.  It’s adolescence.  By definition, they are not grown up yet.  They have a lot to learn.  We were all there once too, remember?  It is an exciting time of life, but it’s not the pinnacle of life.

Nevertheless, modern America worships youthfulness.  The commodities of cool are money, beauty, athleticism, sexuality, fashion, music, “ink” (tattoos), and all things young.  There are entire industries built upon the idea that staying Forever 21 is the most important thing in life, no matter if you are 10 or 59.

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Categories : Parenting, Role Models

Well-Mannered Teen Rebels

12 10 2009

With the decline of civility and manners in public life, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that so many young people lack basic manners.  There are other factors, of course, such as the breakdown of the family unit and the lack of privacy and decorum in the media.  There is much to be said about how bad it is and what has caused the lack of decency and manners, but I want to offer a positive perspective for those who care to train kids to be polite.

Kids with manners will stand out as all-stars, like never before. It is simply amazing to see how kids with good manners are rewarded for being counter-cultural.teenboy

A friend of mine needed some help moving into his new home.  He said, “I had two students from a huge public high school help me move this summer. I was a little leery when I learned that they were two of the top athletes in the school.  They had better manners than just about any high school kid I’d ever met. I asked them about it and they essentially said that interacting with adults the way that the majority of their peers made them just look like everybody else. They said they could have gotten a tattoo to be different the same way as everyone around them. Or, they could do something really different and simply go through life saying ‘please, thank you, yes sir and no ma’am.’ I paid them double what I said I would.”

Let’s help kids get this sort of edge on the competition.  That means we have to model good manners, explain why it’s helpful, show them how to do it, correct them gently, and thank them for the times they get it right.  It will pay big dividends for them for the rest of their lives.  Good manners will yield success for young people in some surprising ways.

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LINKS to specifics lists of good manners:

http://www.wikihow.com/Have-Good-Manners

http://www.rd.com/living-healthy/good-manners/article27599.html

http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetailsKids.aspx?p=335&id=2526&np=287


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Categories : Parenting, Social Development

Asinine Arguments

6 10 2009

If you’ve worked with kids for any significant amount of time, you will see yourself somewhere in this, since some kids love to argue for the sake of the argument.  And sometimes we engage in an argument that is just plain stupid.

If you want the entire 6-minute video, then here it is.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQFKtI6gn9Y&feature=related

The moral of the story is that it is important to realize that there are many times when an argument is simply asinine.  See also: senseless, idiotic, ridiculous, ludicrous, absurd, nonsensical, inane, moronic.

An argument with a preteen or teenager is usually avoidable.  But first, you must recognize what is happening.  You must understand the warning signs of an unnecessary argument.  Here are some possible reasons to postpone the argument for a better time, or to simply disengage from the discussion entirely.

  • It’s a truly petty issue (from all perspectives).
  • One of you is very tired, hungry, hot, or hormonal.
  • One of you is deeply upset about some other issue.
  • Blame is falsely-placed (they have to take out their anger on someone).

Point being that, more often than not, arguments are avoidable.  It’s best to post-pone the discussion, and be sure to actually revisit the issue at a better time, and deal with it more effectively.

In addition, it’s crucial to remember that being right is not the most important thing in the world.  In fact, the relationship with a person is more important than you feeling that you are right.  Therefore, don’t beat up the other person with your “rightness.”  Don’t demand that they acknowledge how very right you are or how very wrong they are.  Instead, choose to err on the side of love, rather than fueling your need to feel right at that moment.


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Categories : Adolescence, Social Development


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