Found on Facebook. Whoever wrote it, thank you!
Raising Boys to be Real Men
12 09 2011Boys are misunderstood. Too often, they are disciplined and shamed by their teachers, parents, or grandparents because it is falsely assumed that good boys should act just like good girls.
Raising boys is a topic of numerous books, but one that stands out is Raising Cain, by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson. I had the privilege of hearing them speak at a conference, and their wisdom impressed me deeply. Here are my notes and thoughts from two of their sessions.
Emotions. Give boys permission to have an internal life. Give approval to their wide-ranging emotions, as long as they behave civilly. Their tendency will be to hide their emotions at every turn, but this is not healthy. Help them use words to express their feelings effectively, since it is not in their nature or in their culture to speak openly about their feelings. So, give respect to their inner life, and speak about your own inner life. Share your likes, dislikes, fears, sorrows, regrets, hopes, and weaknesses with each other.
Activity. Accept the high activity level of boys as a healthy part of who they are. Give them a safe place to express their need for action. Embrace their physicality as natural, normal, and in need of channeling, rather than suppressing. Boys need to learn to manage their physicality, but they do not need to be shamed for their exuberance.
Speak to them. Talk to boys in their language – in a way that honors their pride and masculinity. Be direct with them. Say what you mean and mean what you say. And when possible, use them as consultants and problem solvers. They will love feeling important to you. It is important to communicate with them in a way that honors their wish for strength and respect.
Re-define courage. Teach boys that there is more to being a hero than physically defeating an enemy. Read the rest of this entry »
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Tags: Adolescence, Boy, Boys, Education, Emotion, Encouraging, Family, Friends, Growing Up, health, Kids, Maturing, Men, Mental health, Parenting, Preteens, Relationship, Resiliency, Role Models, Significance, Teacher
Categories : Adolescence, Boys, Discipline, Family, Friendship, Media Influence, Parenting, Physical Development, Relationship, Resiliency, Social Development
The Power of No (Part 2)
8 03 2011Sometimes a bad example is as motivating as a good one. I had just such an experience last Saturday:
Guitar Center is now my son’s “candy store.” There are so many flavors to sample: Stratocaster, Telecaster, Les Paul, and Gretsch to name a very few. Saturdays are the worst day to shop there because there are so many customers trying out electric guitars that it’s sheer dissonance. It’s a cacophony of mostly teenage boys trying to impress nobody in particular with their imitations of classic rock guitar heroes.
One particular 14 year old boy surprised me with his guitar skills, but it was his behavior that was truly shocking. In the thirty minutes that we were there, this boy must have picked up and played twenty guitars through a dozen different amplifiers, using every effect imaginable. He played at near-ear-splitting volume so that other customers could not hear themselves. Eventually, he sat down right next to my son and started wailing away and jammering on about the awesomeness of Marshall amps. Just as I was about to ask him to turn it down, his dad showed up and asked his son to leave. Read the rest of this entry »
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Tags: Adolescence, Consequences, Growing Up, Immaturity, Kids, Maturing, Teens
Categories : Adolescence, Discipline, Family, Parenting, Self-Discipline, Social Development
How to Negotiate with Children
16 01 2011In a recent panel discussion about parenting on National Public Radio, “When No Means No” (11 minutes of audio), some moms and a family therapist were debating the extent to which parents should negotiate with their children. It is an interesting discussion about how children need to learn to negotiate at home so that they can learn to negotiate the waters of the river of life. There was no debate among the panel members that negotiation is a vital life skill, and all agreed that parents need to teach children how to do it well. The big question is: How do you allow children to negotiate with adults, without allowing them to become obnoxious little princes and princesses who feel the kingdom is entitled to them?
The power struggle between children and parents is a primary issue in every household, in every culture, in every era of history. It should be. How much power should a child have over his or her life? And how much power should a parent exercise on behalf of the child?
As in all things, the extremes get the most attention. The parents who have total authority over their children make the news with their abusive behavior, and the parents who have no authority in their household make the news with their negligence. The children of these extremists invariably suffer from a wide variety of unhealthy mental and emotional problems. Some work it out, in spite of their parents’ grave mistakes, while most do not successfully grow up well. But most of us don’t fall in the extreme cases.
Most parents learn that very young children need lots of boundaries and very little freedom. And we learn that, as time goes by, they should get increasingly more freedoms and responsibilities, until one day they are independent and can handle living alone at college.
But the real question for most of us is something like, “What do I do with my 8 year old who questions and begs and tries to negotiate with me all the time?”
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Tags: Adolescence, Communication, Consequences, discipline, Expectations, Growing Up, Kids, Modern Teenager, negotiating, Parental power, Parenting, Relationship
Categories : Adolescence, Discipline, Parenting, Relationship, Self-Discipline, Social Development
Role Model Wrestler
3 08 2010Anthony Robles, is an All-American student-athlete at Arizona State University, where they describe him on their athletic website as… “one of the top high school wrestlers in the nation… won the Arizona state championship twice after finishing sixth as a sophomore… went 48-0 in each of his last two seasons…” Since high school, he has finished 4th and 7th at the NCAA Wrestling National Championship in the 125 pound division. By all accounts, he is described as humble, hard-working, studious, and friendly.
The twist to the story is that he was born with only one leg and uses crutches everywhere he goes. He can run a mile in 8 minutes on crutches and hopes to get it down to just 6 minutes. For more, check out these videos.
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Tags: Adolescence, Hard Work, Resiliency, Sports, Teens, Youth Sports
Categories : Adolescence, Athletics, Discipline, Resiliency, Role Models
Prepare Them for Life
17 07 2010Protection and provision are not enough.
“Here’s the paradox: If we protect our children too absolutely, we actually end up exposing them to other risks. And leave them without the skills, experiences, and minor life lessons that they’ll need to handle the big challenges as they grow up.” (Perri Klass, M.D.)
When children are very young, they must be protected and nurtured in absolutely every way. An infant is helpless and needy at all times. He must be fed, clothed, changed, transported, and even cajoled into sleep – or else he will get sick and die. Babies are totally unprepared for life. Now flash forward 18 years, and that same human, now full-grown, had better not be helpless or needy, or else something very wrong has taken place in the meantime. That 18 year old should be a strong, self-sufficient young man, able to learn on his own at school, have a variety of healthy relationships, and be able to do the jobs that other adults require of them, in order to have any success in his adult life. 
After all, he is a legal adult with all the rights and privileges that come with: working, paying taxes, continuing education, voting, getting married, having children, and even fighting in a war. He should be ready to fly on his own – maybe not soar yet, but fly enough to survive.
In a recent article about “helicopter parenting” we get a glimpse of the problem from the eyes of a college professor. “Kathleen Crowley, a professor of psychology says parents’ eagerness to overdirect their children’s lives has led to young adults who are less independent and creative than the generation before. Twenty years ago, Crowley announced an upcoming test in her college classes and that was the end of the discussion. Now, she says she’s expected to provide students with a study guide so they know exactly how to prepare, and she’s had these same young adults come to her in tears because they’d earned their first B and didn’t know how to cope. Because of this “extended adolescence,” when these students graduate and enter their careers, they’re now offered workplace mentoring and on-the-job training just to ensure their success.” (Jennifer Gish)
So why are so many 18-28 year old men and women still in adolescence? Why are so many having nervous breakdowns in the midst of their inability to deal with the trials of life? Why are so many young men and women crippled (socially and emotionally) in the adult world?
The answer may be simple, but the solution is complex. The young man’s parents, teachers, and coaches may have done a fine job of protecting and providing, but they did not prepare the child for adulthood. The solution is not so simple. HOW do you prepare a child to succeed on his or her own? (The following is not a comprehensive list)
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Tags: Adolescence, Consequences, Education, Encouraging, Growing Up, Maturing, Parenting, Relationship, Resiliency, Role Models, Serving, Significance, Work
Categories : Adolescence, Discipline, Education, Parenting, Relationship, Resiliency, Role Models, Self-Discipline, Social Development
Father or Friend?
21 06 2010Father’s Day. We give Dad something like a pocket knife or a round of golf. We remind him that we appreciate his work and that his role is valuable. It’s a worthwhile holiday, even if it’s a bit underwhelming sometimes. Nonetheless, a good dad is priceless, which is worth celebrating.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who are deeply-saddened on Father’s Day. It’s a painful reminder of what could have been, or once was. There are so many who would give anything to have a father to celebrate. So many men wish they could go back in time and do it over again. So many had a terrific dad, only to lose him. For too many, Father’s Day is a reminder of disappointment or tragedy: car accident, cancer, divorce, abandonment, infertility, suicide, or decades of emotional distance. Let this be a reminder that fatherhood should not be taken for granted.
Fortunately, there are many men who have enjoyed the privilege of fatherhood for decades and have taken the responsibility very seriously. They are fortunate, indeed, as are their children.
An old college buddy of mine wrote on his FaceBook wall the following tribute to his dad. “Growing up, he never was distracted by trying to get me to like him – probably the most impressive thing about his love for me. I see parents all the time that try to get their kids to like them so THEY can feel good. It takes a takes a hell of a lot of vision, self-confidence, and faith to be a great parent.”
It’s such a tough job, being a parent. It’s one thing or another, an uphill journey with no end. It’s my firm belief that the price of being a loving parent is high, one way or another. You pay now, or pay later. But the highest price is the paid along the path of least resistance. Those who take the easy road parenting end up in the worst destinations. But those who choose to sacrifice, serve, teach, discipline, encourage, and love their kids daily, making their kids’ needs (not wants) their top priority, will have a tough time of it too. Later, however, they will enjoy the sweet fruits of their work, in the form of beautiful, powerful relationships – full of respect and affection.
Unfortunately, the norm seems to be that parents are giving up the hard role of being a parent and taking on the fun role of just being a friend. So many kids are raising themselves – ineffectively. They are figuring things out the hard way, or not figuring things out in any way. And that is one of society’s biggest problems. This is largely due to parents making deals with their kids to make them happy, rather than making the tough choices that lead to good character.
So, choose to be the adult in your relationship with your child. And encourage others (tactfully, of course) to be the parent, not just a friend. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not turn from it.” Training is tough, but it pays off. Ask any athlete, soldier, or dog owner.
Be the adult, the teacher, the leader, the protector, the provider, the encourager — and yes, the friend. The payoff will be immense.
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Tags: Adolescence, Maturing, Parenting, Relationship, Sacrifices, Significance
Categories : Adolescence, Discipline, Parenting, Relationship
Mean Moms
1 05 2010Someday when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them, as my Mean Mom told me:
I loved you enough to ask where you were going, with whom, and what time you would be home.
I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover that your new best friend was a creep.
I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes.
I loved you enough to let you see anger, disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children must learn that their parents aren’t perfect.
I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.
But most of all, I loved you enough to say NO when I knew you would hate me for it.
Those were the most difficult battles of all. I’m glad I won them, because in the end you won, too.
And someday when your children are old enough to
understand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell them.
Was your Mom mean?
I know mine was.
I had the meanest mother in the whole world!
While other kids ate candy for breakfast, I had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.
When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, I had to eat sandwiches.
And you can guess my mother fixed me a dinner that was
different from what other kids had, too.
Mother insisted on knowing where I was at all times.
You’d think I was a convict in a prison.
She had to know who my friends were and what I was doing with them.
She insisted that if I said I would be gone for an hour, I would be gone for an hour or less.
I was ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break
the Child Labor Laws by making me work.
I had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie awake at night thinking of more things for me to do.
She always insisted on me telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
By the time I was a teenager, she could read my mind
and had eyes in the back of her head. Then, life was really tough!
Mother wouldn’t let my friends just honk the horn when they drove up. They had to come up to the door so she could meet them.
While everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13,
I had to wait until I was 16.
Because of my mother I missed out on lots of things other kids experienced.
I have never been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other’s property or been arrested for any crime. It was all her fault.
Now that I have left home, I am an educated, honest adult.
And…I am doing my best to be a mean mom just like my Mom was.
I think that is what’s wrong with the world today. It just doesn’t have enough mean moms!
(Author unknown)
Comments : 3 Comments »
Tags: Consequences, Education, Growing Up, Mom, Parenting
Categories : Adolescence, Discipline, Parenting
Our Friend, Failure
8 04 2010I once heard a speaker named Dan Miller at an educator’s conference tell the audience about how he learned to fly an airplane. First, you should know that he is disabled from polio as a teenager to the extent that he can only use one arm, and he walks with a serious limp. His sickness had canceled his first flying lesson; becoming a pilot was his childhood dream.
In his autobiography, he admits that “Planes require two good hands and two good legs to work the controls, yokes, radio, and rudder pedals. ‘Airplanes crash,’ they would say. ‘You’ll kill yourself.’ ‘You only have one good arm.’ ‘Your legs are too weak.’ I heard a lot of dream-breaker statements… My first lesson was awful! I had to reach across my body for the flaps, throttle, and trim. Every time I’d reach for them, the plane would dip, tip, and do everything but fly straight and level. I went all over the sky. I couldn’t fly. My lesson was a total failure. But I could give up on my dream yet… The next try, though still not good, was better. I tell people, ‘If it worth doing, it’s worth doing poorly at first.’
Dan eventually got his pilot’s license and has enjoyed many years of flying adventures. He also taught himself to play golf with only one arm, and he’s good. He scores in the mid-80′s regularly and has a hole-in-one to his credit. Impressive.
Anything worth doing well is worth doing poorly at first. That is wisdom for all ages. We need to embrace failure as a friend who is honest enough to tell us that we still need to work harder, listen to others, think more clearly, and learn more information. Failure has something to teach us every time. That’s what makes people successful — learning from mistakes and persevering slowly toward the goal.
Consider this…
Whether it’s a left-handed layup, a math problem, or a new technological skill, kids need to be encouraged to do things poorly at first, then a little better each time, until they make real progress. Then encourage them some more. “See! I knew you could do it! You have improved so much! I’m proud of you. Really proud.”
Try it.
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Tags: Activities, Adolescence, Encouraging, Failure, Hard Work, Perfectionism, Perseverence, Positive Attitude, Sacrifices, School, Sports, Success, Youth Sports
Categories : Adolescence, Discipline, Resiliency, Self-Discipline
Active Parenting Works Best
9 02 2010Teenagers do listen
Parents who set boundaries find their influence pays off
Your Health By Kim Painter (USA Today 2/8/2010)
Here’s some good news for parents of tweens and teens: You rule.
That may be hard to believe sometimes. And it’s true kids won’t always follow your health and safety rules. But studies show parents who keep setting boundaries make a huge difference. In other words, “parenting works,” even for teens, says Alanna Levine, a pediatrician in Tappan, N.Y., and spokeswoman for the American Academy of Pediatrics.
The latest example: a survey on media use by the Kaiser Family Foundation. It found that typical kids ages 8 to 18 spend an astounding 7 hours and 38 minutes a day consuming entertainment media, drinking deeply from the fire hose of TV, computers, game consoles, cellphones, music players and other devices (while occasionally glancing at books and other non-electronic media). Many experts, including the pediatrics academy, consider that much screen time bad for mental and physical health.
But the study also found that kids whose parents set any time or content limits were plugged in for three hours less each day. “Parents can have a big influence,” says Kaiser researcher Vicky Rideout.
And it doesn’t stop with screen time. Other recent studies have found:
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Tags: Parenting
Categories : Adolescence, Discipline, Parenting
Slowing Down for Kids’ Sake
24 09 2009On the way home from soccer practice last night, my son asked if he could join a track and field team. This is right after an evening in which his mother spent 30 minutes shuttling him from his school to my workplace, where he worked very hard for 60 minutes on his homework, before we frantically sped home to quickly change clothes and scarf down some dinner, followed by a 30-minute battle with traffic to get to his 90 minute soccer practice, followed by a bleary-eyed 30-minute drive home. The timing of his request was terrible, so he was hurt by my harsh response.
I had to explain to him that we just don’t have the time and energy to add that sort of commitment to our family life. It was difficult for him to believe. It’s a lot like when we say that we can’t afford to buy something, such as a massive plasma TV. He doesn’t believe me because he knows that we can afford a house, cars, food, clothes, and all kinds of other expensive items. So, I have to explain that we have to make choices because we can’t buy it all or do it all. We have limited resources: time, money, and energy. It’s hard for a kid to fully grasp the concept of over-commitment.
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Tags: Adolescence, Balance, Independence, Kids, Parenting, Rest, Success
Categories : Discipline, Spiritual Development
Dealing with Bullies
15 09 2009There was a fight on a school bus in Belleville, Illinois, this week. This became a front page story because it was all caught on video, and it’s a jaw-dropper. As a TV news story, it doesn’t get much better, since it involves violence, public schools, racism, and children. It’s such a juicy story that the local newspaper had to shut down the comments section of their internet site because they were getting so many comments, most of which were so hateful.
You can see the story and the video for yourself (click here). It’s not pretty.
There isn’t anything shocking about a fight on a school bus. But the thing that is so awful is that most of the students cheered the bully as he unloaded heavy closed-fist punches to the boy’s face, one after another after another. It was bloodlust. It was not a fight; it was a beating. The victim was unable to defend himself or flee, so he got thoroughly abused by two violent bullies, who were cheered on by all the kids surrounding the victim. In fact, many of them took pictures of the victim’s bloody face while laughing at him.
There are many problems with this scene. Aside from the obvious guilt of the two attackers, there is one person who is partially responsible. The bus driver did not even stop the bus, when clearly the sights, sounds, and movements indicated an assault and battery. He just drove down the road, doing nothing to stop the abuse.
But the larger problem, which I want to focus on, is that nobody had the courage to do anything to stop the beating. They just let the bigger, faster, stronger students beat in the face of the student who was unable to stop it. Now, it’s to be expected that some students on the bus would be so shocked and afraid that they would not know what to do. But surely somebody could have done something.
If my son or daughter had been on that bus, I would have asked him or her something, which might seem harsh to some. “Where were you when that boy was getting his face beaten in?” Followed by, “What could you have done to help that boy?”
You see, there were many options that these kids failed to do:
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Tags: Community, Teens, Violence
Categories : Discipline, Education, Violence
The Power of Choice
22 08 2009Children lack power. They can control very little in their lives, until they get a license to drive and the keys to the car. So, when they don’t get choices, they seek power; they just find ways to push our buttons, in the hope that perhaps we will give them choices. You can’t blame them for wanting to have a little control over their lives. They are human (most of the time ☺), and humans by nature want freedom, even if it’s just a bit here and there. But when humans are backed into a corner and have no choices, they rebel. They find a way – any way – to get a little power, a little control, a little something that makes life more enjoyable for them.
“Children, quite naturally, find out that parents are defenseless against disrespect. Thus parents are terrified by it…So we need a way to manage ourselves so these guys will have no success in pushing our buttons, no matter which way they poke and prod our psyche…” (Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk p.101)
Before you can give a child a choice, whether it’s in the classroom or in the car, you have to be in control of yourself. You cannot, must not, give children choices (power) because you are sick of hearing them whine and complain. Instead, you have to get yourself into neutral gear, not frazzled, fried, or frustrated. That’s easy to say, but what do you do when your child (or student) is angry and you are losing patience? You have to downshift. Decelerate.
“When your child wants to argue with you, these one-line phrases are your best friend. They are your sanity. They are a way for you to kick your brain into neutral while the other person is trying to drive you into the Crazy Ditch. They help you become sort of like a cloud, something that doesn’t react – something that cannot be controlled. When your kid is throwing a fit, it is absolutely the worst time to have a reasonable conversation with that person. Your child is absolutely emotionally wasted. Your child is not looking for solutions at this time; he or she is looking for victims. This is a good time to just be a cloud. Say, “I know. I’m sorry.” You are telling your child, ‘I am going to manage me while you struggle with you.’” (104-105)
To decelerate an argument, you have to stop lecturing and start giving very short responses to your child’s complaining, whining, worrying, and begging.
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Tags: Adolescence, Communication, Consequences, Kids, Parenting, Relationship, Teens
Categories : Discipline, Parenting
Discipline vs. Punishment
18 08 2009Heart-to-Heart Connection, Part 2
A long time ago, in a land far away, I was the principal of a small elementary school. One of my first disciplinary problems was with a 12-year-old boy who was riding his bike aggressively on the playground and sidewalks after school, which was against the rules. He continued to disobey the orders of a teacher to stop, and he was sent to my office. I called his mother and told her that he would be punished for directly disobeying the rules and the authorities. I felt confident that I was doing the right thing, but this mother flipped out. She agreed with me that he was wrong and deserved a negative consequence, but she could not believe that I was using the word punishment. She lectured me for ten minutes about why punishment is not appropriate with children and how we should be disciplining children in love, and that if I didn’t know the difference between the two then I had no business leading a school.
I was stunned by her outrage. I was amazed that she could be so passionate about what seemed like a very minor difference in word meaning. It’s not like I was going to beat the child at the whipping post or anything. What was the big deal?
Well, now that I have 13 more years in education, I see that she was right. There is a huge difference between punishment and discipline. Punishment is all about behavior change. It works on the outward behavior first and foremost. The hope is that enough punishment for bad behavior will force the child into a pattern of good behavior.
Punishment can be delivered without any love at all. In fact, it’s meant to be rational, impartial, and free of emotion. Take the criminal court system as an example. The judges, jurors, and jailers don’t make the laws (legislators do that). They don’t enforce the laws (policemen do that). They punish lawbreakers who have been caught by the law enforcers. The goal of the justice system is to objectively apply a punishment to fit the crime. It’s about destroying the will to do that negative behavior again.
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Tags: Adolescence, Communication, Growing Up, Kids, Parenting, Relationship, Teacher
Categories : Discipline, Parenting
