The Sex Talk

28 07 2010

No parent enjoys talking about sex with their adolescent children.  It’s just awkward, and there’s no way to make it easy and effective.  You either wimp out and take the easy road, and cover little to no territory.  Or you dive into the deep end and get awkward all over the place.

So, in addition to having some slightly-awkward discussions with my just-turned-twelve son, I found a book which should help a lot.  It’s called Sex and the New You, and it does a very nice job of explaining sex to 11-14 year olds.  There are other books in the series for younger and older age groups, and I think they are well-grouped.  You should know that this book series is published by Concordia Publishing, which is a Christian publishing house, so the role of sexuality in the book is coming from a God-centered viewpoint.  In other words, God created human sexuality for good purposes, and it’s our job to understand it and handle it with care.

I found the book to be very informative, honest, and positive about some hard-to-discuss issues.  It focuses positively on the changes that occur in every young person, as they experience puberty.  But it also delves into more difficult topics, but at an age-appropriate level, in each case.  Clearly, it was a team of authors with a lot of experience with adolescents who wrote this book.  I think it will be an excellent resource for my son at this point in his life.


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Categories : Adolescence, Education, health, Parenting, Physical Development

Prepare Them for Life

17 07 2010

Protection and provision are not enough.

“Here’s the paradox: If we protect our children too absolutely, we actually end up exposing them to other risks.  And leave them without the skills, experiences, and minor life lessons that they’ll need to handle the big challenges as they grow up.” (Perri Klass, M.D.)

When children are very young, they must be protected and nurtured in absolutely every way.  An infant is helpless and needy at all times.  He must be fed, clothed, changed, transported, and even cajoled into sleep – or else he will get sick and die.  Babies are totally unprepared for life.  Now flash forward 18 years, and that same human, now full-grown, had better not be helpless or needy, or else something very wrong has taken place in the meantime.  That 18 year old should be a strong, self-sufficient young man, able to learn on his own at school, have a variety of healthy relationships, and be able to do the jobs that other adults require of them, in order to have any success in his adult life.  After all, he is a legal adult with all the rights and privileges that come with: working, paying taxes, continuing education, voting, getting married, having children, and even fighting in a war.  He should be ready to fly on his own – maybe not soar yet, but fly enough to survive.

In a recent article about “helicopter parenting” we get a glimpse of the problem from the eyes of a college professor.  “Kathleen Crowley, a professor of psychology says parents’ eagerness to overdirect their children’s lives has led to young adults who are less independent and creative than the generation before. Twenty years ago, Crowley announced an upcoming test in her college classes and that was the end of the discussion. Now, she says she’s expected to provide students with a study guide so they know exactly how to prepare, and she’s had these same young adults come to her in tears because they’d earned their first B and didn’t know how to cope. Because of this “extended adolescence,” when these students graduate and enter their careers, they’re now offered workplace mentoring and on-the-job training just to ensure their success.” (Jennifer Gish)

So why are so many 18-28 year old men and women still in adolescence?  Why are so many having nervous breakdowns in the midst of their inability to deal with the trials of life?  Why are so many young men and women crippled (socially and emotionally) in the adult world?

The answer may be simple, but the solution is complex.  The young man’s parents, teachers, and coaches may have done a fine job of protecting and providing, but they did not prepare the child for adulthood.  The solution is not so simple.  HOW do you prepare a child to succeed on his or her own?  (The following is not a comprehensive list)

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Categories : Adolescence, Discipline, Education, Parenting, Relationship, Resiliency, Role Models, Self-Discipline, Social Development

Video Games

13 07 2010

I grew up with the Atari 2600 video game system.  It was the cultural phenomenon of 1978, right along with Star Wars (I was a nut for both).  To go from the old Pong game system to Space Invaders, Pac Man, Pitfall, and Asteroids seemed like a giant leap for all mankind.  I had such fun playing those games, saving up my money to buy another cartridge, and swapping stories and games with my friends.  Perhaps I wasted some hours of life along the way, especially in the long days of summer, but all in all, it was good clean fun.

Flash forward 33 summers later.  My son just turned 12, and like all boys, loves to play video games on his X-Box.  As a matter of fact, right now he is playing a video hockey game with a friend.  They just finished playing soccer and wiffle ball outside, so it’s a great way to cool down indoors on this steamy July afternoon.

This is what I love about video games.  It can be a very social activity for boys and girls to play in between more active, creative activities. Sometimes, my son and I will play a game when we are wiped out from the other activities of the day, and we just want to chill out and have some fun.  We tease each other and laugh a lot, as we play a game that keeps us acting and reacting to each others’ onscreen moves.  Mostly, he wins, which makes him feel great, but most importantly, we enjoy the free-spirited competition –  the laughs, the taunts, the punches — much more than the game itself.

As with every good thing, there can be too much of it.  Here’s one of many articles about the negative effects of too much gaming. Certainly, moderation is paramount with video games. Read the rest of this entry »


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Categories : Adolescence, health, Media Influence, Parenting, Social Development, Technology

Avoiding a Mid-Life Crisis

1 07 2010

If you are growing old well, then you are likely to help a child grow up well.

40 is not old, but it’s certainly not young either.  It’s the start of mid-life, and it has a well-earned, dangerous reputation.  It’s when so many people have an inner crisis, even if life is sailing along smoothly on the outside.  At some point disappointment, boredom, or depression accompany the person who has a career, a family, a home, a community, and all the subsequent stress of being responsible for so much.  In addition, health problems of all kinds begin to flare up by 40, which remind us that we are decaying in far more ways than we are growing.

Many 40-somethings have established their career, have gotten married, have had a few kids, and have bought all the things they need and most of the things they want.  They have arrived at their life destination, and they wonder, “This is it?”

For others, they are still building the best  life they can, and they feel the crushing weight of pressure from what they have constructed.  There are too many things to do, too many people to care for, too many problems to solve – just too many responsibilities in every area of life.  They are caring for children, spouses, friends, employees, and even aging parents.  They get to a point where they simply cannot balance it all anymore; it’s all just too much.  In frustration they cry out, “There just isn’t enough me to go around!”

It’s a tough time of life, indeed, and for some it’s just too much, so they pull the ripcord of life.  They give up on something big, like their marriage, their kids, or their career.  Sometimes they chuck it all at once.  Or they just give up trying very hard at anything, settling into a comfortably complacent lifestyle.  They fall prey to the consumer-centered suburban lifestyle, and they go out to pasture.

So what’s a mid-lifer to do?  Well, after spending four days in Colorado with some of my favorite 40-ish guys, I’m ready to convey a few suggestions based on our conversations.  I’m sorry if any of this seems trite; I realize that all of these things are a lot easier said than done.  But hopefully, it will help in some way – for your sake, and for your kids.

  1. Focus. Identify your top four or five priorities in life and focus on them — to the detriment of all else.  Set your sights on just a few things that you are passionate about and that you have valued for a long time.  For me (at this point in my life) it’s family, faith, teaching, and writing.  If I can do those things well, then I am on the right track.  But that may mean that I am not going to keep up with all my friends very well.  It means that I am not going to be able to play golf, read a novel a month, or hone my guitar skills anytime soon.  I have to face facts: I can only do so much.  Trying to do it all is living in a fantasy world (see #4 below).  Learn to accept mediocrity in the less important areas of your life. Read the rest of this entry »

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Categories : health, Parenting, Relationship, Resiliency, Role Models

Turning 40

29 06 2010

I just got back from spending four days in Winter Park, Colorado, with six of my best friends.  We met in college and have been close friends since, largely due to the fact that we get together every summer for what we call Fandango (long story).  This is the year when we are turning 40, and the theme of this year’s Fandango turned out to be “dealing with mid-life.”

I will write more on what we concluded about avoiding a mid-life crisis, but for now, enjoy this video related to what pains us about what we do at forty.


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Categories : Parenting

Father or Friend?

21 06 2010

Father’s Day.  We give Dad something like a pocket knife or a round of golf.  We remind him that we appreciate his work and that his role is valuable.  It’s a worthwhile holiday, even if it’s a bit underwhelming sometimes.  Nonetheless, a good dad is priceless, which is worth celebrating.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who are deeply-saddened on Father’s Day.  It’s a painful reminder of what could have been, or once was.  There are so many who would give anything to have a father to celebrate.  So many men wish they could go back in time and do it over again.  So many had a terrific dad, only to lose him.  For too many, Father’s Day is a reminder of disappointment or tragedy: car accident, cancer, divorce, abandonment, infertility, suicide, or decades of emotional distance.  Let this be a reminder that fatherhood should not be taken for granted.

Fortunately, there are many men who have enjoyed the privilege of fatherhood for decades and have taken the responsibility very seriously.  They are fortunate, indeed, as are their children.

An old college buddy of mine wrote on his FaceBook wall the following tribute to his dad.  “Growing up, he never was distracted by trying to get me to like him – probably the most impressive thing about his love for me. I see parents all the time that try to get their kids to like them so THEY can feel good. It takes a takes a hell of a lot of vision, self-confidence, and faith to be a great parent.”

It’s such a tough job, being a parent. It’s one thing or another, an uphill journey with no end.  It’s my firm belief that the price of being a loving parent is high, one way or another.  You pay now, or pay later.  But the highest price is the paid along the path of least resistance. Those who take the easy road parenting end up in the worst destinations.  But those who choose to sacrifice, serve, teach, discipline, encourage, and love their kids daily, making their kids’ needs (not wants) their top priority, will have a tough time of it too.  Later, however, they will enjoy the sweet fruits of their work, in the form of beautiful, powerful relationships – full of respect and affection.

Unfortunately, the norm seems to be that parents are giving up the hard role of being a parent and taking on the fun role of just being a friend.  So many kids are raising themselves – ineffectively.  They are figuring things out the hard way, or not figuring things out in any way.  And that is one of society’s biggest problems.  This is largely due to parents making deals with their kids to make them happy, rather than making the tough choices that lead to good character.

So, choose to be the adult in your relationship with your child.  And encourage others (tactfully, of course) to be the parent, not just a friend.  Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not turn from it.”  Training is tough, but it pays off.  Ask any athlete, soldier, or dog owner.

Be the adult, the teacher, the leader, the protector, the provider, the encourager — and yes, the friend.  The payoff will be immense.


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Twilight – Good Book for Kids?

10 06 2010

Written by a follower of this blog – A mother and teacher of middle schoolers

When parents are faced with their elementary child begging to read a book, they should not deny them that opportunity simply because they’ve “heard” it’s an inappropriate book.  Even worse, parents should NOT just let their kids read anything at all with no supervision. Take the Twilight series that so many elementary-aged girls are reading, for example. It seems that very few adults know much about this book; they’ve just heard some things.
Well, I broke down and started reading Twilight. I’m reading it because I was so surprised to hear two middle school English teachers and the elementary librarian tell me how much they liked it. I asked if it was well written to which they responded with some ambiguity, but then they went on to talk and talk and talk about the story. In some sense, it must hold some kind of merit with regards to writing if it inspired so much conversation.

So they dared me to read it. I didn’t WANT to like it. But I did. I read over half of the book in one sitting.

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Lousy Starts and Strong Finishes

2 06 2010

I’m grading papers on the second to last day of the school year.  I’m grading fast, trying to finish ASAP, so I can go run some errands.  I am more than a little ready to get out from behind my desk and browse around the hardware store, before heading home.  Teaching in May is exhausting.  And in walks Ian, who is in a very happy mood.

Ian is a junior (a senior in just 24 hours) who was an English student of mine five years ago when he was in seventh grade.  Back then, he was a trainwreck academically (he’s the first to admit that).  In spite of his positive attitude and a love for books and acting, he was a woeful writer.  He routinely earned D’s and F’s on his papers, especially on essays of any length.  He could talk your ear off, and he was terrific in dramatic performance, but writing was a source of constant frustration.  Truly, his spelling, handwriting, and syntax were awful.  Trust me.  It was scary.

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Kids Should Work Alongside Adults

28 05 2010

“Unfortunately, many of today’s teenagers make no meaningful contribution to their families.  They have nothing more to contribute to the family than reluctantly taking out the garbage or picking up their room after being told again and again. That’s not a contribution. At that point it is more like self-preservation.

“Kids need to be given responsibilities in the family that they can claim and make happen without parental badgering. It builds a sense of value and belonging. If they don’t have time, adjust their schedule to make time. Kids who make no meaningful contribution to the family tend to grow up feeling entitled and self-absorbed, making them rotten spouses, parents, and citizens as well.” – Mark Gregston, The Family Citizen (5.28.2010)

It’s important to note that young kids, as well as teenagers, need to be given tasks that are helpful to the adults in the house or playing field or classroom.  It should be totally normal for our kids to to little, helpful tasks.  They should expect to hear us say, “Hey Joey, go get those cones for me at the far goal.  Thanks, man.”  It should not shock them to hear us say, “Kathy, grab those books and that globe on the way up to the library for me.  Thanks.”  And at home, the adults should not always be working harder than the kids.  Kids should be working with their parents, not watching TV while mom and dad do all the preparing and cleaning for dinner.

Kids working alongside adults is good for everybody!


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Categories : Adolescence, Discipline, Parenting, Self-Discipline, Social Development

Mean Moms

1 05 2010

Someday when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them, as my Mean Mom told me:
I loved you enough to ask where you were going, with whom, and what time you would be home.
I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover that your new best friend was a creep.
I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes.
I loved you enough to let you see anger, disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children must learn that their parents aren’t perfect.
I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.
But most of all, I loved you enough to say NO when I knew you would hate me for it.
Those were the most difficult battles of all. I’m glad I won them, because in the end you won, too.
And someday when your children are old enough to
understand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell them.
Was your Mom mean?
I know mine was.
I had the meanest mother in the whole world!
While other kids ate candy for breakfast, I had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.
When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, I had to eat sandwiches.
And you can guess my mother fixed me a dinner that was
different from what other kids had, too.
Mother insisted on knowing where I was at all times.
You’d think I was a convict in a prison.
She had to know who my friends were and what I was doing with them.
She insisted that if I said I would be gone for an hour, I would be gone for an hour or less.
I was ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break
the Child Labor Laws by making me work.
I had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie awake at night thinking of more things for me to do.
She always insisted on me telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
By the time I was a teenager, she could read my mind
and had eyes in the back of her head. Then, life was really tough!
Mother wouldn’t let my friends just honk the horn when they drove up. They had to come up to the door so she could meet them.
While everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13,
I had to wait until I was 16.
Because of my mother I missed out on lots of things other kids experienced.
I have never been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other’s property or been arrested for any crime. It was all her fault.
Now that I have left home, I am an educated, honest adult.
And…I am doing my best to be a mean mom just like my Mom was.
I think that is what’s wrong with the world today. It just doesn’t have enough mean moms!

(Author unknown)


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Youth Sports is a Means to a Greater End

20 04 2010

Every parent of an athletic child wonders if their kid has a shot at the big time.  Well, let’s look at some hard facts related to this question. Just 2 percent of varsity high school athletes will play their sport in college, and only 1 percent will get a scholarship to do so.  Let’s take basketball as an example.  Roughly 1 basketball player from all the athletes from 8 high school teams will get a scholarship.  How many high school basketball players make it to the professional level?  0.03% Yes, that is 3 in 10,000 who make an income playing basketball.  Far less will make the big money in the NBA.  And very few of them play for very long.  The truth of the matter is brutal.  9,997 varsity high school players don’t ever make any money playing basketball; 3 do.  Of those three, two will earn about $40,000 a year in a foreign league until younger players replace them in about five years.  1 in 10,000 will gain some fame and fortune playing ball.

So kids may dream of playing pro ball, but it’s a fantasy for all but a very, very, very few who are extraordinarily talented, extremely hardworking, and exceedingly fortunate to avoid injuries and be seen by the right people at the right time.

So, is it foolish to pursue excellence in sports in high school?  Absolutely not!  But it’s essential that student athletes understand that sports is a great teacher, but it’s a lousy employer (because it isn’t hiring).  Athletics is a means, not an end.  It can teach young people valuable lessons and instill noble character traits that are extremely useful in their careers and in their relationships.

But too many kids and parents are burdened with the belief that they can do it.  They will be the next LeBron James, Roger Federer, or Albert Pujols.  I say “burdened” because the overwhelming evidence says that they will not achieve anywhere near that level of success.  And the result is a young life that is very often ultra-competitive, over-scheduled, and hyper-stressed.   Burnout is common.  Injuries can be severe (torn ACL’s and rotator cuffs among preteens are not unusual now).  Resentment often looms ahead.

Stephen Durant is an expert in youth sports, and his book Whose Game Is It, Anyway? has some excellent advice for parents and coaches of great young athletes.

1.  “Emphasize the development of virtue and character over scoreboard outcome. The development of a good character — the ability to control passion, emotion, and behavior — will always stand children in good stead on and off the playing field… Children, at any talent level, can only be truly successful in life if they possess good character.  Becoming an emotionally balanced person of courage, fairness, self-discipline, and strong ability to work as a member of a team, sets up a person for success in any endeavor, in any place” (Durant).

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Categories : Adolescence, Athletics, Education, Parenting, Social Development

Finding Significance

8 03 2010

I’ve had the blues for a few weeks now.  It’s not a full-blown depression.  It’s just a nagging funk that doesn’t seem to have a good reason for its existence and doesn’t seem to have an end.  I get it once or twice a year, often on the backside of winter.  Since I haven’t been able to just get over it, my wife offered a solution.  She kindly told me to get lost.

So, Saturday morning I headed out of town to get lost in the country.  I needed to get away for a few hours to a quiet place to reflect on the meaning of my life and pray about what in the world to do about it.  I headed south and ended up at this old cemetery.

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Categories : Adolescence, Parenting, Relationship, Spiritual Development

Beware of ChatRoulette

28 02 2010

Once again, we have a new use of the internet which is flat out dangerous to kids.  Thank you, Common Sense Media, for looking into this.  Please read the full review at Common Sense Media.  Here’s an excerpt…

“The first time on CHATROULETTE is an unnerving experience. Almost immediately upon entering the site (there’s no log in or registration) you’re face-to-face with a total stranger whose saying “Hi” and asking you where you’re from. It’s an experience unlike anything else on the Internet right now. Created by a 17-year-old student in Russia, Chatroulette combinines the social networking of Facebook, with the web cam abilities of Skype this site takes full advantage of the anonymous capability of the Internet. You are just “You” and the person on the other end of the screen is just “Stranger.” The site itself isn’t much to look at, just bare bones text boxes and camera squares, but really that is enough in itself.

“The technology isn’t new by any means, however this use definitely is. The scariness of seeing a string of strange men’s naked torsos is enough to send most people fleeing from the site in terror, however there is something strangely addicting to this social “gambling” that speaks volumes to the human condition. Look for more regulated sites springing up that tweak this concept and reign in the content in the near future. Also expect to hear a lot more about this site as it explodes onto the mainstream. Whatever you do, don’t let your kids use it.”

This new form of Russian Roulette will be pointed right at our kids, unless we keep a close watch.  May this serve as a reminder that kids need a lot of guidance and supervision as they use the internet.  Here are some excellent safety guidelines from Common Sense Media.


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The Great Abigail Adams

22 02 2010

John Adams was a man of tremendous intellect and inner strength.  With the aid of Thomas Jefferson and the other founding fathers, he set the legal and political foundations of the United States of America.

As a rebel, he was the intellectual force of the revolution against England.  His words in support of reason and law were the balancing force to the raw anger and violent ways of his cousin Samuel Adams and the Sons of Liberty.  Without him, the revolution would not have taken root in the solid ground of law.

As a writer and signer of the Declaration of Independence, he put his whole life (career, family, friendships…) on the line.  Using his intellect, his pen, and his voice, he helped defeat the most powerful force in the world, the King of England, for the freedom of American people and their descendants.

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Active Parenting Works Best

9 02 2010

Teenagers do listen

Parents who set boundaries find their influence pays off

Your Health By Kim Painter  (USA Today   2/8/2010)

Here’s some good news for parents of tweens and teens: You rule.

That may be hard to believe sometimes. And it’s true kids won’t always follow your health and safety rules. But studies show parents who keep setting boundaries make a huge difference. In other words, “parenting works,” even for teens, says Alanna Levine, a pediatrician in Tappan, N.Y., and spokeswoman for the American Academy of Pediatrics.

The latest example: a survey on media use by the Kaiser Family Foundation. It found that typical kids ages 8 to 18 spend an astounding 7 hours and 38 minutes a day consuming entertainment media, drinking deeply from the fire hose of TV, computers, game consoles, cellphones, music players and other devices (while occasionally glancing at books and other non-electronic media). Many experts, including the pediatrics academy, consider that much screen time bad for mental and physical health.

But the study also found that kids whose parents set any time or content limits were plugged in for three hours less each day. “Parents can have a big influence,” says Kaiser researcher Vicky Rideout.

And it doesn’t stop with screen time. Other recent studies have found:

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Personality Shopping

30 01 2010

At our school assembly this week, a high school senior girl talked about how she learned to “be herself.”  I think you’ll enjoy listening to the voice of a young lady who is becoming comfortable in her own skin.  It’s just 5 minutes.

Shelby Massot 5 min mp3

Question:  Do you have some specific things set in your mind about what the kids in your care should be and do? In other words, are you trying to put them in some kind of pre-formed mold?

OR… Are you looking to learn more and more about how God has made them?  Are you looking, listening, and helping them learn the way they have been wired?


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Realistic Expectations for Life

26 01 2010

Donald Miller’s book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years is quite good, but the end of chapter 29 is truly great.  In it, he refers to a recent episode of 60 Minutes, which I vividly recall seeing myself a few years ago.  It was about the happiest people in the world, and I found it tremendously thought-provoking and memorable.  Here is Don’s take on it.

“A study done by a British university ranked the happiest countries, and America was far down the list, but Denmark was at the top.  Morley Safer explored why.  Ruling out financial status, physical health, and even social freedom, he landed on a single characteristic of the Danes that allowed then such contentment.  The reasons the Danes are so happy was this: they had low expectations.

I’m not making that up.  There is something in Denmark’s culture that allows them to look at life realistically.  They don’t expect products to fulfill them or relationships to end all their problems.”

From my recollection of the study, there is another important aspect of Danish culture – their involvement in their own local communities.  More than any of the other developed nations in the study, people in Denmark have a sense of equality and connectedness to each other.  In fact, their values are so community-oriented that they have a popular government program which pays for citizens to get involved in local recreational and social groups.  As a result, they are far less competitive than Americans.  They are more likely to view success as a community, not as individuals in competition with one another.  The Danes are a reasonable and communal people, which seems to make them significantly more content and happy than other people groups.

Donald Miller concludes his chapter with, “I’m trying to be a more Danish, I guess.  And the thing is, it works.  When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.  And when you stop expecting material possessions to complete you, you’d be surprised at how much pleasure you get in material possessions.  And when you stop expecting God to end all your troubles, you’d be surprised how much you like spending time with God.“

Therefore, if American parents, teachers, and coaches were to adopt a more Danish approach to life, we might just be happier and more effective in helping the young people in our care.  And isn’t that what we all want?  But what would that look like?

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Beyond Beauty and Athletics

23 01 2010

Athletic talent is instant karma for the social status of any young man.  In modern American mythology, the quarterback is the hero.

It’s easy for the athletically-gifted boy to be well-respected and popular because he is always among the biggest, fastest, strongest, and most coordinated boys in his grade.  Anytime there is a physical contest, which is pretty much every hour of every day in a boy’s life, he succeeds.  He gets picked first – maybe second – every time.  And that is just the beginning of the fun.  Win or lose, his God-given talent is on stage for all of his peers to see, sometimes garnering instant applause.  Later, he will bask in the glory of hearing others review some great move or play he made.  His friends will enter his bedroom to see a wall full of trophies, ribbons, and medals.  In high school, he will see his name and picture in the local newspaper.  It’s “The Life” for a boy.

For the most elite athlete, he doesn’t feel the NEED to be a good student, have a witty personality, or have great social skills.  In some cases, he doesn’t even need to practice as hard as the others.  He just needs to put on his shoes and go play ball and success happens because he has IT – the gift of athleticism.  So, he gets self-esteem automatically, friends easily, and it can spoil him to the point where he is no longer developing in other important areas.  His peers allow him to coast – and not grow up well.

And so it is with the beautiful girl. Everybody knows who she is. From the earliest age, people stare at her, trying to figure out what makes her so pretty.  What’s her secret?  All of her pictures turn out well because she is naturally photogenic.  Her facial features are perfectly symmetrical with high cheekbones and bright eyes. Her skin is clear and bright. Her hair easily folds into the latest hairstyle, and her figure just gets better each year.  She is Venus, goddess of love and beauty, who needs no decoration or modification.  In modern mythology, the beautiful cheerleader is the goddess who captivates the hero.

She simply smiles politely, and everybody adores her.  She doesn’t have to speak intelligently, get good grades, or have a snappy sense of humor.  Her name is written on binders at school, and all eyes are on her in the halls.  Read the rest of this entry »


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Categories : Adolescence, Athletics, Parenting, Physical Development, Social Development

Too Much Internet, Too Soon

8 01 2010

What was the most popular Christmas gift this year for 5th graders?  The Apple iPod iTouch.  What is the most popular gift for 6th grade birthdays and graduations?  Hands down, a “smart” cell phone.  And what do they have in common that makes them so popular?  The most coveted feature is the wireless internet accessibility, so that kids can surf the web, email, instant message, and play web-based games from their pocket-sized device at any WiFi hotspot (home, school, coffee shops, bookstores, etc).  At first glance, it seems like a really fun toy and a great way to keep in touch with preteens who are increasingly mobile.  In fact, it seems like a great safety device – a way to keep in touch, to know where kids are and what they are doing all the time, and to allow kids to call for help when needed.

But at what cost?  What are the hidden costs that counter these benefits?  How many parents are even aware that there are dangers in this wireless revolution?  Well, let me pull back the curtain a little to show you what is really going on in the digital lives of many children and teenagers (and these are not just a few latchkey kids).

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Categories : Adolescence, Media Influence, Parenting, Social Development, Spiritual Development

Helicopter Parents

6 12 2009

D.H. Lawrence, the literary giant, advised parents and teachers a century ago: “How to begin to educate a child. First rule: leave him alone. Second rule: leave him alone. Third rule: leave him alone. That is the whole beginning.”

At first glance this seems to be the worst parenting advice in the history of written words.  And to support that further, Lawrence had no children. However, there are situations in which this radical advice should be heeded: Helicopter parents. Paranoid teachers. Paralyzed administrators.

TIME magazine’s cover story (11-20-09) is a lengthy editorial, worth every bit of the 15 minutes it takes to read, especially if you are a hard-working, highly-committed parent or teacher under the age of fifty.  You may not be a hovering, smothering parent or teacher; however, you still might benefit from a good dose of reality about how we — sometimes in subtle ways — over-protect, over-nurture, over-schedule, and over-stimulate the kids in our care.

Sometimes, less IS more, when raising kids to be significant, successful adults.

Give it a read, and please feel free to leave a comment about it below (anonymous comments are welcome).  I’ll start it with my own comment.

The Growing Backlash Against Overparenting, by Nancy Gibbs, Friday, Nov. 20, 2009


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Categories : Adolescence, Education, Parenting, Self-Discipline, Social Development

Best Parenting, Teaching Books

24 11 2009

I recently read a blog which touted a new book called NurtureShock which seems to dispel a wide variety of well-accepted myths about raising children in America today.  It seems like a very interesting, well-researched book.  Unfortunately, I have a stack of a dozen excellent books that I want to read when I get the time.  The time for me is usually in the summer. But buying one more book right now doesn’t make much sense at this point in my life.

However, if someone were to say, “You REALLY need to read this book.  It helped me so much,” then I would surely put it on the top of the stack.

So, I am asking you — Yes, you — for suggestions.  I am begging: What is the best book you have read on parenting, teaching, or coaching? Please leave a comment (anonymous is ok), even if it’s just the title and author.

Even better: Leave a comment about the worst book you have read on the topic, or at least the worst part of a book.  Or perhaps there is an author or talk show host who says all the wrong things.  Bring it on.


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Categories : Adolescence, Parenting

Delayed Gratification

18 11 2009

Very few things anymore take a long time to happen.  Nearly everything is available in an instant.  Instant messaging.  Movies on demand.  Cell phones with internet access.  Instant winners.  Ultra-fast food.  Five-minute total-body workouts.  You name it, and America can make it faster, so we can fit more into our days.

A major component of growing up is learning to deal with long waits and unexpected delays of all kinds. Mature adults learn that many of the best things in life take a long time to develop.  A great education takes twenty years.  A rock-solid, happy marriage takes a good decade to develop.  A garden is made over the course of many months, with daily tending.  Hunting or fishing takes tremendous patience and skill developed over years of practice.  Many of us are awaiting Spring flowers already.  These are some of the greatest joys of living, and some people just flat-out miss out.  They’d prefer a TV dinner to a slow-roasted turkey.

Abigail Van Buren once wrote, “Maturity is: The ability to stick with a job until it’s finished; The ability to do a job without being supervised; The ability to carry money without spending it; and The ability to bear an injustice without wanting to get even.”

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Social Skills Needed: Apply Here

3 11 2009

There is a social epidemic that has swept the nation.  While it used to be contained to young teenage girls, it is striking adults at an alarming rate in recent years.  It sounds like this: “Um, it’s kinda like, well, you know when you just can’t really, like, seem to just um say like what um you like want to say?   Like, um, do you know what I mean?”

Rolling eyes

The epidemic is clearly some kind of communication disorder, but it lacks a name.  We need a good label.  How about Unintelligible Verbal Skills Syndrome?  Adult Communication Avoidance?  Teenage Verbal Nonsense Disorder? Arrested Social Development?  I think that one fits best – Arrested Social Development – because it’s really all about kids not growing up.

This communication deficiency is a sign of a larger problem.  It’s more than just the inability to make coherent statements with purpose and confidence.  It’s the larger problem of young adults not growing up in their speech, in their manners, or in other social skills.  It’s seen in adults who talk and act like immature teens, even preteens, in so many ways.

Historically, parents have taught young children to shake hands with adults, look them in the eye, and say something positive, such as, “It’s nice to meet you.”

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Categories : Adolescence, Education, Parenting, Social Development

Dealing with Loss: Help Needed

29 10 2009

When a young person experiences a significant loss, they rarely know how to handle the pain, so many of them run away from it or around it as quickly as they can.  In our culture, grief is seen as a temporary weakness. It’s something we must tolerate quickly, no matter the severity of the loss. It’s hoped to be a short period of crying and depression that is to be endured.  For some, it’s even taboo.  It’s a bit like the stomach flu.  Most people feel bad for you but don’t really want to hear all about it or be near you. We would all prefer to avoid it altogether, but that’s so unhealthy.

By avoiding grief, we avoid healing.  We don’t deal with these very important things, so we simply cover up wounds.  And in time we get infections.  Then we cover those up and ignore them.  In time, we are a mess, and we wonder why.  For some, it stunts their personal growth.

sad teenager

People who experience loss without mourning are stuck in the shallows.  They are unwilling to go below the surface of life.  They are “puddle-jumpers,” splashing about in the rain, ignoring the storms in their lives (past or present) and in the peoples’ lives around them.  They “be-bop” from one fun thing to the next, without examining the matters of the heart that are disturbing or sorrowful.

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Categories : Adolescence, Parenting, Social Development, Spiritual Development

Kids Need Community

26 10 2009

“No man is an island,” said John Donne, in reference to the ripple effect of the death of one man in a community.  Indeed, we are made for community; we are not meant to live alone.  By living and working with others, we enjoy many benefits.  By choosing to go it alone, whatever the endeavor, we give up countless blessings.  While mavericks make great movie characters, real loners miss out on so much. Unfortunately, there are more and more loners in our modern world.

A large social study in 2006 at Duke University illustrated “a sobering picture of an increasingly fragmented America, where intimate social ties — once seen as an integral part of daily life and associated with a host of psychological and civic benefits — are shrinking or nonexistent.”  Click here for the article “We’re not saying people are completely isolated. They may have 600 friends on Facebook.com and e-mail 25 people a day, but they are not discussing matters that are personally important.”

teen in hall alone

It’s nothing new to learn that many people find it extremely difficult to live with others.  They find themselves in all kinds of trouble when they have to work with others at length.  They hurt people’s feelings, and they get hurt.  They annoy and they get annoyed.  They both get jealous and cause jealousy.  So, they do the logical thing; they take the path of least resistance and withdraw from others.  They become independent, vowing to avoid the problems that people cause in their lives.

After all, it is much easier, in the short run, to look out for yourself and take care of your own business, steering clear of other people’s business.  But easy is not always good, especially when it comes to relationships.

Robert D. Putnam, a professor of public policy at Harvard and the author of Bowling Alone, wrote his famous book about the same problem – increasing social isolation in the United States.  He believes that people must make deliberate steps to join and remain in small communities; otherwise, they will suffer great long-term consequences.

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Categories : Parenting, Relationship, Social Development

Just Believe in Yourself

19 10 2009

“Just believe in yourself, and you can achieve anything.”

“Pursue your dream, and don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do it.”

“If you dream it, you can be it.”

Countless movies, songs, TV shows, and motivational speakers have preached this message.  And countless teachers, coaches, and counselors preach the same message.  Parents teach their children the same.

So, why would any young person ever doubt it?  Most believe it 100% — until they experience enough reality that they realize that it’s a lie that adults tell to make children (and themselves) feel good. It’s just like the Easter Bunny, Santa Clause, and the Tooth Fairy.  It’s something that feels good and right at the time, but eventually, life reveals that it’s just not true.

basketballHow many boys have spent hours each day playing basketball in the driveway because they knew that they could one day play in the NBA?  How many make it?  How many can even reach the simple goal of dunking?  I know I tried everything to dunk, only to find that I was just not able, no matter how much I believed, how much I practiced, or how much I learned.  I wasn’t good enough to play in college either.  I wish someone (or several people) had told me something a lot more truthful, such as, “Quit trying to dunk and spend more time shooting because your only chance at playing in college is as a shooting guard.  But don’t count on it, since the odds are extraordinarily stacked against it.  Studying is much better for you than playing so much basketball.”

How many girls have spent endless hours singing in order to make it in the music business.  How many make it?  How many can even reach the simple goal of getting the lead part in their high school musical?  How many high school musical leads get a recording contract?  How many girls will be the next Miley Cyrus or Beyonce?  What percentage of American Idol contestants succeed in getting fame?  For millions of girls, it just doesn’t happen — no matter how much they believe in themselves and practice and learn and believe some more.  It’s a fantasy.

It hinders kids to tell them that they can do whatever they put their mind to.  And that’s in addition to the fact that it is a lie.  It may be easy, feel-good advice, but it’s not true and it’s not helpful.

So what’s the solution?

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Categories : Adolescence, Athletics, Education, Parenting

Growing Old in a World Gone Young

15 10 2009

coolguyA local radio station brags that they are “Younger. Smarter. Better.”  It’s one of many marketing messages that tells us that grown-ups are “Older. Dumber. Inferior.”  Well, as a long-time teacher of 12 and 13 year olds, I can tell you that younger is not smarter and better.

Younger is cuter.  Younger is more energetic.  Younger is more creative.  But it’s also usually uneducated, unwise, and unbalanced.  It’s mostly insecure, immature, and trendy.  It’s adolescence.  By definition, they are not grown up yet.  They have a lot to learn.  We were all there once too, remember?  It is an exciting time of life, but it’s not the pinnacle of life.

Nevertheless, modern America worships youthfulness.  The commodities of cool are money, beauty, athleticism, sexuality, fashion, music, “ink” (tattoos), and all things young.  There are entire industries built upon the idea that staying Forever 21 is the most important thing in life, no matter if you are 10 or 59.

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Categories : Parenting, Role Models

Well-Mannered Teen Rebels

12 10 2009

With the decline of civility and manners in public life, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that so many young people lack basic manners.  There are other factors, of course, such as the breakdown of the family unit and the lack of privacy and decorum in the media.  There is much to be said about how bad it is and what has caused the lack of decency and manners, but I want to offer a positive perspective for those who care to train kids to be polite.

Kids with manners will stand out as all-stars, like never before. It is simply amazing to see how kids with good manners are rewarded for being counter-cultural.teenboy

A friend of mine needed some help moving into his new home.  He said, “I had two students from a huge public high school help me move this summer. I was a little leery when I learned that they were two of the top athletes in the school.  They had better manners than just about any high school kid I’d ever met. I asked them about it and they essentially said that interacting with adults the way that the majority of their peers made them just look like everybody else. They said they could have gotten a tattoo to be different the same way as everyone around them. Or, they could do something really different and simply go through life saying ‘please, thank you, yes sir and no ma’am.’ I paid them double what I said I would.”

Let’s help kids get this sort of edge on the competition.  That means we have to model good manners, explain why it’s helpful, show them how to do it, correct them gently, and thank them for the times they get it right.  It will pay big dividends for them for the rest of their lives.  Good manners will yield success for young people in some surprising ways.

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LINKS to specifics lists of good manners:

http://www.wikihow.com/Have-Good-Manners

http://www.rd.com/living-healthy/good-manners/article27599.html

http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetailsKids.aspx?p=335&id=2526&np=287


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Time Management for Kids

30 09 2009

As preteens enter the hallways of middle school for the first time, they often feel totally overwhelmed by the amount of teachers, classrooms, schedules, textbooks, new friends, and homework assignments to manage.  In fact, well into high school, most students struggle with managing their lives, for there is always a limited amount of activity, money, and energy to be spent in a day’s time.  Truth be told, most adults fail to manage their lives well every day.  We all have bad days, but for a teenager the results can be devastating when day after day is mismanaged.

Gift of time

It is NOT all about fitting in one more thing each day to be more productive.  It is NOT about putting an iPhone in the hands of every second grader to maximize their efficiency.  Nope.  It’s about living well. It’s about setting a healthy rhythm to our lives.  And ultimately, it’s about living according to OUR OWN values, not society’s values.  Here are some ideas for helping kids (and adults) manage their time better, in order to live a more deliberate, healthy life.

First, explore the concept of priorities.  Discuss what a priority is and why it’s so valuable.  Discuss how priorities need to reflect our deepest values, and how the way we spend our time should reflect our priorities.  In other words, we should order our priorities from first to last, according to what we value the most, all the way down to what we value the least.  Ideally, we will attempt to spend our time accordingly, making sure that our highest values are not neglected in any day.

Second, examine the way he or she actually spends his or her time each day of each week.  Account for all the time spent in a week.  Sit down and plot out each day, half-hour by half-hour.  Count up the average hours of sleep, school, homework, television, exercise, internet use, eating, chores, and everything. It may reveal some areas well worth congratulations, as well as areas needing improvement, based on how well it all seems to match up with his or her priorities.

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Categories : Education, Parenting, Self-Discipline, Social Development

Facebook Kids

8 09 2009

The most common questions that parents have today are all related to Facebook, since every student wants full access and most parents don’t know enough about it.  It is a generational thing, like rock and roll was misunderstood by our grandparents.

In the same way that our parents monitored our use of the telephone, television, and movies, parents today have the duty to monitor their children’s use of social networking sites, like FaceBook.  By the way, if you want an interesting discussion, ask any fourteen-year old if Facebook is more popular than television.

stockxpertcom_id22299901_jpg_f5d7efb543cae35d4079bb9a96faca19

Well, here is a good list of protections for preteens and younger teens, especially.

1)  Parents will know the password and have access to the child’s page.

2)  Parents can customize their child’s settings to make profile safer (privacy, visibility, etc).

3)  Email of posts, friends, etc. come to the family’s home e-mail.

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