New Book: Growing Up Well in the 21st Century

28 04 2013

Coming Soon: Fall 2013

Growing Up Well in the 21st Century: Raising Today’s Middle School Children

Middle school is a time in life when many parents adopt a hands-off parenting style. They shake their head and say, “My daughter is a different person now. I don’t get her any more.” In response to this frustration, many parents essentially stop parenting because they do not know what to do any more. It seems like the right thing to do, especially when it creates a temporary peace in the home. But this is a major problem, since children do not raise themselves well, especially in 21st Century America.

Many parents view early adolescence as a “temporary insanity” that can only be survived. But it is not an illness to be endured. It is a natural stage of life that can be wonderful, and it is parents who make all the difference. A parent who develops a good understanding of the age, a positive attitude, and appropriate actions will provide just what a child needs to grow up well.

What a middle school child needs most is a deep connection and some wise guidance from his or her parents. A good parent will strive to become more connected with the child, not less, in this challenging time of life. A well-informed, loving parent will greatly improve the trajectory of the life of a child.

Growing Up Well in the 21st Century contains practical advice to help parents of 10-14 year olds make plans for helping their children thrive in middle school, not just survive. It discusses how to:

  • Connect with your middle school child
  • Build a close-knit family
  • Take care of yourself
  • Root out irrational fears
  • Discipline with love
  • Create resiliency and independence
  • Foster a healthy social life
  • Guide their academic, athletic, and artistic life
  • Handle the media and the new electronic devices
  • Create healthy digital citizenship
  • Get your child outdoors
  • Develop work ethic and financial sense

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Categories : Adolescence, Athletics, Boys, Disabilities, Discipline, Education, Faith, Family, Friendship, Guidance, health, Materialism, Media Influence, Middle School, Nature, Parenting, Physical Development, Reading, Relationship, Resiliency, Role Models, Self-Discipline, Social Development, Special Needs, Spiritual Development, Technology, Uncategorized, Violence

Introducing Kids to Nature

27 06 2012

How to Turn Kids On To Nature

I can’t tell you how many times one of my middle school students has melted down because he or she could not find his or her cell phone. They just come unglued.

Most kids are hooked on their screens. In fact, many of them are better named “screenagers,” addicted to digital images and text. They bounce from their cell phone screen to their television screen to their computer screen to their iPad screen, and in many cases their screens are all on at the same time. It’s quite an exciting existence to the average teenager. They can’t think of anything more interesting than laying on a comfortable couch in front of a satellite-connected high-definition TV, with their smartphone and X-Box controller on the coffee table, their iPad on the lap, and the computer nearby (just in case). If you think I am exaggerating, just ask a teenager if they think that sounds like a nice way to spend a summer day.

These screens are more like screen-doors or screen-windows than windows to the real world. You can see and hear things to some extent, but the clarity and depth perception is inferior. You are not fully in the world, even though you can hear and see and maybe even feel some of what’s happening out there. These digital doorways are virtual experiences at best.

The best way we can unhook them is not to take away all their screen time and tell them to go read a book. The answer is to get them hooked on something even more interactive and real than what’s on their screen. And what better antidote for digital addiction than fishing, hiking, or hunting?

Jake Hindman, an agent with the Missouri Conservation Department and a true outdoorsman, speaks to adults around the state about how to get kids interested in the outdoors. Here is a summary of his 3-point sermon: Read the rest of this entry »


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Categories : Adolescence, Boys, Education, Friendship, health, Media Influence, Nature, Physical Development, Social Development, Technology

The Nature Deficit

20 06 2012

“I go into nature to be soothed and healed and to have my senses put in tune once more.”   –    John Burroughs

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I’m on vacation in Destin, Florida, and my extended family – all 14 of us – are spending each day building sandcastles, playing in the waves, cooking seafood, and sharing life’s problems. And I can’t believe how many teenagers (girls mostly) walk by with their smartphones in their face, oblivious to both the wonder of the ocean and the people with whom they walk.

The statistics say that kids spend over 40 hours per week in front of electronic screens, while they spend less than 40 minutes per week in nature.

Richard Louv is an author who understands this problem more than anyone, and he loves children enough to cry out for them, “Let the children play outdoors!”  His books and lectures are inspiring a national movement to leave no child inside.

Louv explains how this generation is suffering from what he calls “nature deficit disorder,” a preventable ailment of the body, mind, and soul. Kids just don’t go outdoors anymore. Just look out the window and count the children; Read the rest of this entry »


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Categories : Adolescence, Boys, Education, Family, Nature, Parenting, Physical Development, Resiliency, Social Development, Spiritual Development

Girls Are More Than Cute

4 01 2012

My friend Jeff Lawrence recently wrote on his blog, “As a father of a little girl who will have her second birthday in January, I was interested in the recent article titled “How to Talk to Little Girls.” The excellent Huffington Post piece by Lisa Bloom has created a buzz, with nearly 400,000 people “liking” the article on Facebook.

Bloom points out the dangers of highlighting a little girl’s physical beauty before or above other things. This is typified by the normal practice of strangers, or friends, who lead off a meeting with a little girl by saying something along the lines of “aren’t you the cutest thing ever?”

My daughter, Kate, is beautiful. I’m completely biased and entirely certain that she is adorable by any standard. When people meet her for the first time, I can affirm that they generally comment on how cute she is. Of course, I wouldn’t argue with their assessment at all, but I also see how this emphasis on her external beauty could shape her thinking over time. I would never want Kate’s joy in life or sense of self-worth to be dependent on man’s praise of her outward beauty.“

Interested? For the rest of this excellent piece, go to Jeff’s blog.


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Categories : Adolescence, Faith, Family, Parenting, Physical Development, Spiritual Development

The Leadership of Tim Tebow

17 12 2011

Tim Tebow is a great example of an effective leader for young athletes.  He is hard-working, tough in the face of adversity, focused on the task at-hand, willing to sacrifice for the teammates, and encouraging.  He has caught a lot of flack for being so verbal and visual with his faith in Christ.  Some people admire this, while others despise it.  No matter how you feel about his religious expressions, you have to admit that the guy is a leader.  Show this to a kid and say, “This is how you lead.”


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Categories : Adolescence, Athletics, Boys, Education, Physical Development, Relationship

Raising Boys to be Real Men

12 09 2011

Boys are misunderstood.  Too often, they are disciplined and shamed by their teachers, parents, or grandparents because it is falsely assumed that good boys should act just like good girls.

Raising boys is a topic of numerous books, but one that stands out is Raising Cain, by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson.  I had the privilege of hearing them speak at a conference, and their wisdom impressed me deeply.  Here are my notes and thoughts from two of their sessions.

Emotions.  Give boys permission to have an internal life. Give approval to their wide-ranging emotions, as long as they behave civilly. Their tendency will be to hide their emotions at every turn, but this is not healthy. Help them use words to express their feelings effectively, since it is not in their nature or in their culture to speak openly about their feelings. So, give respect to their inner life, and speak about your own inner life. Share your likes, dislikes, fears, sorrows, regrets, hopes, and weaknesses with each other.

Activity.  Accept the high activity level of boys as a healthy part of who they are. Give them a safe place to express their need for action. Embrace their physicality as natural, normal, and in need of channeling, rather than suppressing.  Boys need to learn to manage their physicality, but they do not need to be shamed for their exuberance.

Speak to them.  Talk to boys in their language – in a way that honors their pride and masculinity. Be direct with them. Say what you mean and mean what you say.  And when possible, use them as consultants and problem solvers. They will love feeling important to you. It is important to communicate with them in a way that honors their wish for strength and respect.

Re-define courage.  Teach boys that there is more to being a hero than physically defeating an enemy. Read the rest of this entry »


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Categories : Adolescence, Boys, Discipline, Family, Friendship, Media Influence, Parenting, Physical Development, Relationship, Resiliency, Social Development

Books for Boys

20 12 2010

Finding a well-written, entertaining book for a boy who hates to read is always a challenge.

 

Woods Runner, by Gary Paulsen, grabs your attention at the get-go. It opens, “One day, it seemed he was eleven and playing in the dirt around the cabin or helping with chores, and the next, he was thirteen, carrying a .40 caliber Pennsylvania flintlock rifle, wearing smoked-buckskin clothing and moccasins, moving through the woods like a knife though water while he tracked deer to bring home to the cabin for meat.”

This is a book for the reluctant male reader.  It is just 164 pages and moves quickly but with plenty of detail in the right places.  It has characters that you root for, conflicts that create tension, and plenty of interesting historical information about everyday life during the Revolutionary War.  Most importantly, the author makes the reader feel the struggle, the pain, and the chaos of the war, with an appropriate amount of detail (not too much for an eleven year old, but not too little for an adult.)  The reader witnesses death, destruction, and disease, as well as heroism that, against all odds, continues to fight for what is good.

Paulsen does not glamorize war.  He shines a light on war’s destructiveness, in which we see the very worst of man’s nature, as well as the very best.  It’s a tense story with a very real conflict that is deeply felt.  To the very end, it is not predictable.  In fact, at several points a long the way, Paulsen shocks the reader with something completely unforeseen yet entirely believable.

The main character, Samuel is an ordinary thirteen-year-old boy whose life is transformed in extraordinary ways. The publisher writes, “Gary Paulsen brings readers into the flesh-and-blood reality of one boy’s struggle in the long and savage war that changed people’s lives in infinite ways.”  It’s best to just read it, without reading the jacket cover or anything.  Is it a sad story? Yes.  Is it full of exciting action? Yes.  Is it deeply depressing and full of despair? No.  Similar to the birth of America, it is a tale of tragedy and triumph.  It is just the sort of book that boys (ages 10-14+) should be reading.  And the values taught within the tale will be tops on anyone’s list: loyalty, perseverance, self-sacrifice for others, resiliency, and resourcefulness.

Some other good books for boys, related to boys surviving difficult obstacles:

Hatchet, by Gary Paulsen

Holes, by Jeff Sachar

Hoot, by Carl Hiassen

The King of Mulberry Street, by Donna Jo Napoli

The Bronze Bow, by Elizabeth George Speare

Percy Jackson and the Olympians (Series) by Rick Riordan

The Secret Benedict Society (Series) by Trenton Lee Stewart

Eragon (Series) by Chris Paolini

On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness (Series) by Andrew Peterson

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In addition to reading about outdoor adventures, our kids need to get outdoors. So, sign those kids up for summer camps that get them outdoors.  Have a campout in the backyard. Go fishing. Try a hike you’ve never been on but have heard good things about. Anything.

Here’s a slideshow from our little Outdoor Camp.

 


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Categories : Adolescence, Physical Development, Relationship, Resiliency

The Value of Pain

13 10 2010

As I walk through the halls after school, there is a barrage of faces along my path.  Some I know well; some I don’t know at all.  Some are happy; some look very frustrated.  But all of these kids have stories inside.  Some of their stories are silly — full of joy from a life yet unblemished by heartache or tragedy.  And some have stories they keep to themselves because they are not the kind that they want to tell or others want to hear.  There are some broken kids out there, some of whom will mend well, and grow up to be good and strong.

As I walk briskly by them each day, I think about what stories I know.  Not enough, unfortunately.  But I know that boy; he’s has had serious struggles with perfectionism and an eating disorder in middle school and is now very healthy, athletic, and academically successful.  I know that girl, whose mother died of cancer when she was ten; her dad remarried a woman whose spouse also died of cancer.  Their blended family is an inspiration.  I also know the story of that girl, whose little brother has Down’s Syndrome and whose parents are on the brink of divorce; she’s serious, smart, and sometimes silly.  Actually, I just know bits and pieces of their stories, but it’s enough to see the depth in their eyes.  I know that they know pain.

Read the rest of this entry »


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Categories : Adolescence, Education, Friendship, Parenting, Physical Development, Relationship, Resiliency, Social Development, Spiritual Development

Back to School – Sleep Needed

16 08 2010

Today was the first day of school for me and my new students.  It was a truly exciting and exhausting day.  Many of us did not sleep well last night, as our brains buzzed with so many random things to do, to remember, and to worry about.  And on top of a little sleep deprivation, we expend a lot of extra physical, emotional, and mental energy in these first days of school.  It’s a shock to the system, indeed.

More than ever we need to take care of ourselves by eating well, exercising, drinking lots of water, and setting a good sleep pattern.

The American Medical Association recommends that adolescents sleep approximately 9 hours a night. Yet, there is some research to suggest that biological sleep patterns change in adolescence. Melatonin, the chemical our brain secretes to help us sleep, is secreted in the teen brain from 11 pm to 8am. Thus, your teen may not FEEL sleepy earlier than 11. Nonetheless, there are some practical ways you can help your child get sleep.

•Avoid caffeine in the afternoon.

•Avoid computer games that can be arousing prior to bedtime.

•Avoid bright lights in the evening and sleeping with a TV or computer screen flickering in the bedroom.

• Allow your teen to sleep in 2 to 3 hours later than the usual on weekends. Allowing your teen to sleep more can disrupt his/her sleeping schedule.

•Make sure your teen has a healthy breakfast. Often, teens don’t take the time to eat in the morning – providing a high protein energy bar is a simple solution.

•Help your teen plan study times. Post a family calendar on the refrigerator with all family obligations, sports practices, church activities, etc. This allows your teen to plan blocks of time to complete homework. A teen’s ability to plan and organize is a later developing brain function; do not be afraid to provide structure, as needed.

•Homework is a learning tool that helps provide the student and teacher with information concerning skills/concepts that may or may not have been understood. If your student is struggling with an assignment, encourage your teen to make an appointment with his/her teacher.  Check homework for completion, not accuracy.


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Categories : Adolescence, Education, Physical Development

The Sex Talk

28 07 2010

No parent enjoys talking about sex with their adolescent children.  It’s just awkward, and there’s no way to make it easy and effective.  You either wimp out and take the easy road, and cover little to no territory.  Or you dive into the deep end and get awkward all over the place.

So, in addition to having some slightly-awkward discussions with my just-turned-twelve son, I found a book which should help a lot.  It’s called Sex and the New You, and it does a very nice job of explaining sex to 11-14 year olds.  There are other books in the series for younger and older age groups, and I think they are well-grouped.  You should know that this book series is published by Concordia Publishing, which is a Christian publishing house, so the role of sexuality in the book is coming from a God-centered viewpoint.  In other words, God created human sexuality for good purposes, and it’s our job to understand it and handle it with care.

I found the book to be very informative, honest, and positive about some hard-to-discuss issues.  It focuses positively on the changes that occur in every young person, as they experience puberty.  But it also delves into more difficult topics, but at an age-appropriate level, in each case.  Clearly, it was a team of authors with a lot of experience with adolescents who wrote this book.  I think it will be an excellent resource for my son at this point in his life.


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Categories : Adolescence, Education, health, Parenting, Physical Development

Fit Kids!

24 07 2010

I’m in the midst of researching youth fitness issues, as I prepare to teach cross-country for the first time this year. My wife suggested Fit Kids! by Dr. Ken Cooper. I’ve been familiar with Dr. Cooper’s work for many years; he has a phenomenal (and massive) health clinic in Dallas.  He actually invented modern aerobics.  Nobody has more breadth and depth of knowledge about general fitness, in my opinion.

All that to say that this book is an excellent resource about kids’ exercise, diet, stress, and sports.  He is not extreme in any way, and he bases his opinions on research, not mere experience.  It’s a bit old (last updated in 1999), but I didn’t find anything that seemed dated in any way.  You can buy it for under $2 from Amazon or $1 on Half.com (my favorite), so it’ll be delivered to your door for about $5.  My wife and I highly recommend it, whether you are a youth sports coach, PE teacher, or a parent.


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Categories : Adolescence, Athletics, Education, health, Physical Development

Healthy Adults, Healthy Kids

4 04 2010

Being healthy as an adult will yield both direct and indirect benefits for the kids in your care.  Take care of yourself, for their sake.

This video is thought-provoking and interesting, even if you think you know everything about being healthy.

Here’s proof that we need help in this area:  Super-Fatty Menu Items


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Categories : Education, health, Physical Development

Our Food Crisis

3 03 2010

As a middle school track coach, I get the privilege of educating young athletes about the importance of eating and drinking things which will help them feel better as they practice and perform better in competition.  It’s a crash course in nutrition, but I am amazed at how many of them will make real changes in their diet, based on just a little bit of education and motivation.

Jaimie Oliver is a pioneer in this area, and we all have something, if not a lot of things, to learn from him about how to help kids grow up well.  This is for the benefit of all kids, not just the obese.


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Categories : Adolescence, Athletics, Education, Physical Development, Self-Discipline

Get Out and Play!

10 02 2010

Yesterday afternoon was a cold one – a great day to be inside with some hot chocolate.  The wind chill was in the single digits.  Four inches of snow and ice covered the ground.  Inside, we were perfectly warm and dry.

There were five of us (ages 7, 11, 19, 38, 39), standing around in the kitchen eating some chips, crab dip, and cookies for an after-school snack.  We were kicking around ideas of what to do for the next hour before dinner.

Option A:  Watch TV (The Muppet Show on dvd) or internet videos (Super Bowl commercials)

Option B:  Play a video game (Guitar Hero)

Option C:  Play a board game, cards, or BananaGrams

Option D:  Get all bundled up and go sledding.

Sledding seemed like the most fun but would require the most effort by far.  I didn’t really want to mess with finding five sets of hats, gloves, boots, snow pants, and jackets, and the cleanup is always a hassle too.  However, I thought that I really needed some exercise, so we went for it.

It was the best part of the day by far – full of danger, excitement, laughter, and fun exercise.  Yes, it required a lot of preparation, some patience, some fighting against the bitter wind, and some counseling of the 7 year old.  But what an experience!  The picture of three kids mashed together in a big plastic sled, about to shoot down the hill, is worth a hundred times more than any kind of picture of those kids sitting in front of the television.

We all need more of this.

“Life is about being out, and experiencing it!” Tiki Barber


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Categories : Adolescence, Athletics, Physical Development

Beyond Beauty and Athletics

23 01 2010

Athletic talent is instant karma for the social status of any young man.  In modern American mythology, the quarterback is the hero.

It’s easy for the athletically-gifted boy to be well-respected and popular because he is always among the biggest, fastest, strongest, and most coordinated boys in his grade.  Anytime there is a physical contest, which is pretty much every hour of every day in a boy’s life, he succeeds.  He gets picked first – maybe second – every time.  And that is just the beginning of the fun.  Win or lose, his God-given talent is on stage for all of his peers to see, sometimes garnering instant applause.  Later, he will bask in the glory of hearing others review some great move or play he made.  His friends will enter his bedroom to see a wall full of trophies, ribbons, and medals.  In high school, he will see his name and picture in the local newspaper.  It’s “The Life” for a boy.

For the most elite athlete, he doesn’t feel the NEED to be a good student, have a witty personality, or have great social skills.  In some cases, he doesn’t even need to practice as hard as the others.  He just needs to put on his shoes and go play ball and success happens because he has IT – the gift of athleticism.  So, he gets self-esteem automatically, friends easily, and it can spoil him to the point where he is no longer developing in other important areas.  His peers allow him to coast – and not grow up well.

And so it is with the beautiful girl. Everybody knows who she is. From the earliest age, people stare at her, trying to figure out what makes her so pretty.  What’s her secret?  All of her pictures turn out well because she is naturally photogenic.  Her facial features are perfectly symmetrical with high cheekbones and bright eyes. Her skin is clear and bright. Her hair easily folds into the latest hairstyle, and her figure just gets better each year.  She is Venus, goddess of love and beauty, who needs no decoration or modification.  In modern mythology, the beautiful cheerleader is the goddess who captivates the hero.

She simply smiles politely, and everybody adores her.  She doesn’t have to speak intelligently, get good grades, or have a snappy sense of humor.  Her name is written on binders at school, and all eyes are on her in the halls.  Read the rest of this entry »


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Categories : Adolescence, Athletics, Parenting, Physical Development, Social Development

21st Century Beauty vs. Girls

1 12 2009

Beauty is complicated.  I feel sorry for our girls who have to grow up in this modern American society which twists and enlarges the meaning of beauty at every turn, every day.  It’s a hostile environment for the self-image of young women.

Sometimes, it helps to go way back in time to find some truth.  How about two thousand years?  First Century Christians were taught this about beauty: “Let your beauty not be external – the braiding of hair and wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes – but the inner person of the heart, the lasting beauty of a gentle and tranquil spirit, which is precious in God’s sight.” (1 Peter 3:3-4)  The world has changed, and always will, but truth has not.

External beauty is elusive, shallow, and fleeting.  It’s mere eye candy.  However, inner beauty is obtainable by all, deeply-satisfying, and eternally valuable – it’s just not as immediate, apparent, or exciting.  Our girls need to know this as soon as possible. We can help them see real beauty, but as usual, it’s going to take some direction and a lot of love.

Related Article: Sexy Too Soon


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Categories : Adolescence, Physical Development, Social Development

Avoiding Alcohol in Adolescence

10 09 2009

The following is an excerpt from “A sobering time for parents” by SHEILA WAYMAN (printed in the Irish Times 9-01-09)

“Our approach to drinking in Ireland is not normal; we drink to get drunk,” says consultant child and adolescent psychiatrist Dr. Bobby Smyth, who specialises in addiction. Every day, through his work at the Drug Treatment Centre’s offices in Dublin, he sees the collateral damage of that culture among teenagers.

“We know the younger the person starts drinking, the more likely they are to develop a dependency on alcohol in later life, the more likely they are to develop a drug problem.”

They are also much more likely to take part in risky behavior and suffer accidental injuries.  In addition, drunkenness is undoubtedly the gateway to other drugs.

The whole point of adolescence is to pick up the skills needed for an independent life. The last thing that’s needed at this stage is the “crutch” of some chemical substance.

“The longer kids avoid alcohol, the better for them” – both mentally and physically. It can cause irreversible damage to a still developing brain, not to mention the liver.

Read the rest of this entry »


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Banjo Boy

14 08 2009

On its own, there isn’t anything much more annoying than a banjo.  Even a kazoo is less annoying than a single banjo.   Bagpipes are less annoying.

However, if you add a banjo in the right way to the right band in the right song… banjos rock.  Listen to Allison Krauss and Union Station (Every Time You Say Goodbye is one the most gorgeous bluegrass songs ever).  If you aren’t familiar with her and her remarkable band, then go immediately to Pandora.com and listen to five of their songs.  Also, try Nickel Creek, if you want something a little less country.

As you might have guessed, I actually love banjos when played masterfully in harmony with skilled players of the guitar, drums, bass, mandolin, and violin.  I had the privilege of attending Garrison Keillor’s Prairie Home Companion concert back in May. Click here to listen to it.  His musicians and the guest band were absolutely fantastic, playing every American rock and folk instrument – banjo included – with energy, harmony, and joy.

banjo

This morning, on the second day of school, I was shocked to see that our student-run Chapel Band featured a student playing the banjo.  Normally, it’s just the standard student rock band that plays in assemblies, and they typically do a good job of warming up the student audience prior to a guest speaker.

But this year is different.  Very different.  They’ve added a small horn section.  But the thing that sticks with me is Banjo Boy.  He played in only one song, at the just the right tempo, peaking at the right time, respecting the song and the rest of the band.

Read the rest of this entry »


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Categories : Physical Development, Social Development


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