Found on Facebook. Whoever wrote it, thank you!
The Leadership of Tim Tebow
17 12 2011Tim Tebow is a great example of an effective leader for young athletes. He is hard-working, tough in the face of adversity, focused on the task at-hand, willing to sacrifice for the teammates, and encouraging. He has caught a lot of flack for being so verbal and visual with his faith in Christ. Some people admire this, while others despise it. No matter how you feel about his religious expressions, you have to admit that the guy is a leader. Show this to a kid and say, “This is how you lead.”
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Tags: Adolescence, Coaching, Maturing, Perseverence, Relationship, Resiliency, Role Models, Sacrifices, Success, Youth Sports
Categories : Adolescence, Athletics, Boys, Education, Physical Development, Relationship
High-Tech Love
26 09 2011The best new technologies are mechanical innovations that release human innovations. The real geniuses are not the software programmers and marketers who bring us the new glittering products. The real technological geniuses are the bright, caring people who find creative new uses for new (and old) technologies – to improve the world at the relational level. People create – consumers don’t adopt – new ways to express love, to inspire activism, to make something beautiful for all to view, to mend a broken relationship, or to educate in a powerful way.
We can be more innovative in our use of technology to reach out to our family, friends, community, and beyond. Here’s a beautiful example:
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Categories : Family, Friendship, Parenting, Relationship, Technology
Raising Boys to be Real Men
12 09 2011Boys are misunderstood. Too often, they are disciplined and shamed by their teachers, parents, or grandparents because it is falsely assumed that good boys should act just like good girls.
Raising boys is a topic of numerous books, but one that stands out is Raising Cain, by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson. I had the privilege of hearing them speak at a conference, and their wisdom impressed me deeply. Here are my notes and thoughts from two of their sessions.
Emotions. Give boys permission to have an internal life. Give approval to their wide-ranging emotions, as long as they behave civilly. Their tendency will be to hide their emotions at every turn, but this is not healthy. Help them use words to express their feelings effectively, since it is not in their nature or in their culture to speak openly about their feelings. So, give respect to their inner life, and speak about your own inner life. Share your likes, dislikes, fears, sorrows, regrets, hopes, and weaknesses with each other.
Activity. Accept the high activity level of boys as a healthy part of who they are. Give them a safe place to express their need for action. Embrace their physicality as natural, normal, and in need of channeling, rather than suppressing. Boys need to learn to manage their physicality, but they do not need to be shamed for their exuberance.
Speak to them. Talk to boys in their language – in a way that honors their pride and masculinity. Be direct with them. Say what you mean and mean what you say. And when possible, use them as consultants and problem solvers. They will love feeling important to you. It is important to communicate with them in a way that honors their wish for strength and respect.
Re-define courage. Teach boys that there is more to being a hero than physically defeating an enemy. Read the rest of this entry »
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Tags: Adolescence, Boy, Boys, Education, Emotion, Encouraging, Family, Friends, Growing Up, health, Kids, Maturing, Men, Mental health, Parenting, Preteens, Relationship, Resiliency, Role Models, Significance, Teacher
Categories : Adolescence, Boys, Discipline, Family, Friendship, Media Influence, Parenting, Physical Development, Relationship, Resiliency, Social Development
Same Lake, Different Boat
16 07 2011When you are a parent of a child with severe disabilities, you have to accept the fact that your life journey is going to be much different than most people’s and that you are not in control of circumstances. Those two truths are much easier said than lived-out, but they are crucial to living well.
Same Lake, Different Boat is a book that puts the right words to so many truths that I have learned in that past eleven years since my daughter’s birth. A reviewer, with whom I agree, says of Stephanie Hubach’s book: “Concisely written, personal in tone, she provides a solid basis for tearing down judgmental barriers and building effective communities among people with different needs. A must read for anyone interested in learning about loving and caring for “normal people in an abnormal world.“
Here are my favorite parts:
Much of our 21st century life is organized around denying the reality of life’s difficulties. We can surround ourselves with material comforts that give us the false sense of security that, maybe, life is not so difficult after all. We can create an illusion of control that, perhaps, we really are the masters of our own destiny. However, when the reality of disability strikes, neither a thousand trips to Wal-Mart nor unlimited funds in a retirement account can insulate the blow. When disability strikes a family, it is the startling splash-of-a-bucket-of-cold-water-in-the-face that reminds us that, indeed, life is difficult. And we are not in control. (Hubach 99)
Whether we recognize it or not, we all have implicit expectations about our future that reside in our minds. Read the rest of this entry »
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Tags: Christianity, Disabilities, Faith, Family Life, Growing Up, Relationship, Resiliency, Special Needs
Categories : Disabilities, Family, Parenting, Relationship, Resiliency, Special Needs
Family Matters
19 01 2011Imagine two American families, living on the same street, both successful in pursuing the American dream. Their Christmas cards are equally impressive. All their kids are college-bound. Their marriages are stable, and they are in the midst of meeting their career and material goals. There are no skeletons hiding in their closets; what you see is what you get with them. But there is a difference that only their very closest friends and family might recognize.
Let’s first meet the Johnson family. Jim is an engineer, who loves to fish and go to his kids’ ball games as much as he can. He is a Boy Scout leader, a bible study leader, and a really nice guy, by all accounts. His wife Sue works part-time as a nurse at the local children’s hospital, in addition to raising three teenagers. Jack (16) plays three competitive sports and gets mostly A’s. He plays guitar in a garage band and loves to ride his dirt bike. Sally (14) is an average student but a truly outstanding gymnast who travels a lot for competitions. When home, she likes to go to the mall or the movie theater as much as possible. Jimmy (12) is interested in everything; he has dozens of hobbies, plays select soccer, is a Boy Scout, and still manages good grades. All in all, the Johnson’s are active, productive, and very busy. They seem content with life and get along well with all kinds of people. They are good neighbors, but they aren’t home much.
Now, meet the Landry family next door. Lou is also an engineer, and Donna works part-time at the elementary school where their three teenage kids attended. The three kids are Josh (17), Bill (15), and Claire (13). They are above-average students, but do not excel in sports or the arts. Except for a few minor incidents, the kids stay out of trouble. After dinner, they like to watch movies together, so they just built a family theater and a “ping pong arena” in the basement. Whenever possible, they get away to Grandpa’s cabin on a lake, where they do a lot of fishing, waterskiing, swimming, cliff jumping, and reading (since there’s no TV at the cabin). Lately, at night, they’ve been playing some very animated games of Texas Hold-em; Mom is actually the best bluffer of the bunch. Their neighbors miss them when they are gone at the cabin because they are a fun-loving family.
So what’s the difference? It’s subtle but powerful.
It’s all about WITH. One family lives WITH each other, while the other does not. The Landry’s play with each other, hang out with each other, and eat with each other. The Johnson’s, however, are not with each other much, except in the car, en route to somebody’s activity. Most people would never see the difference, but it’s a big one. One family is a team, while the other is a bunch of individuals. Yes, the Johnson’s appear to be a tight family, but they are not. They each have their individual lives, full of their own favorite activities; they freely pursue their own happiness, free from the inconveniences of the family bond.
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Tags: Community, Family Life, Growing Up, Kids, Maturing, Parenting, Relationship, Role Models, Sacrifices, Serving, Significance, Teens
Categories : Adolescence, Parenting, Relationship, Social Development, Spiritual Development
How to Negotiate with Children
16 01 2011In a recent panel discussion about parenting on National Public Radio, “When No Means No” (11 minutes of audio), some moms and a family therapist were debating the extent to which parents should negotiate with their children. It is an interesting discussion about how children need to learn to negotiate at home so that they can learn to negotiate the waters of the river of life. There was no debate among the panel members that negotiation is a vital life skill, and all agreed that parents need to teach children how to do it well. The big question is: How do you allow children to negotiate with adults, without allowing them to become obnoxious little princes and princesses who feel the kingdom is entitled to them?
The power struggle between children and parents is a primary issue in every household, in every culture, in every era of history. It should be. How much power should a child have over his or her life? And how much power should a parent exercise on behalf of the child?
As in all things, the extremes get the most attention. The parents who have total authority over their children make the news with their abusive behavior, and the parents who have no authority in their household make the news with their negligence. The children of these extremists invariably suffer from a wide variety of unhealthy mental and emotional problems. Some work it out, in spite of their parents’ grave mistakes, while most do not successfully grow up well. But most of us don’t fall in the extreme cases.
Most parents learn that very young children need lots of boundaries and very little freedom. And we learn that, as time goes by, they should get increasingly more freedoms and responsibilities, until one day they are independent and can handle living alone at college.
But the real question for most of us is something like, “What do I do with my 8 year old who questions and begs and tries to negotiate with me all the time?”
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Tags: Adolescence, Communication, Consequences, discipline, Expectations, Growing Up, Kids, Modern Teenager, negotiating, Parental power, Parenting, Relationship
Categories : Adolescence, Discipline, Parenting, Relationship, Self-Discipline, Social Development
Books for Boys
20 12 2010Finding a well-written, entertaining book for a boy who hates to read is always a challenge.
Woods Runner, by Gary Paulsen, grabs your attention at the get-go. It opens, “One day, it seemed he was eleven and playing in the dirt around the cabin or helping with chores, and the next, he was thirteen, carrying a .40 caliber Pennsylvania flintlock rifle, wearing smoked-buckskin clothing and moccasins, moving through the woods like a knife though water while he tracked deer to bring home to the cabin for meat.”
This is a book for the reluctant male reader. It is just 164 pages and moves quickly but with plenty of detail in the right places. It has characters that you root for, conflicts that create tension, and plenty of interesting historical information about everyday life during the Revolutionary War. Most importantly, the author makes the reader feel the struggle, the pain, and the chaos of the war, with an appropriate amount of detail (not too much for an eleven year old, but not too little for an adult.) The reader witnesses death, destruction, and disease, as well as heroism that, against all odds, continues to fight for what is good.
Paulsen does not glamorize war. He shines a light on war’s destructiveness, in which we see the very worst of man’s nature, as well as the very best. It’s a tense story with a very real conflict that is deeply felt. To the very end, it is not predictable. In fact, at several points a long the way, Paulsen shocks the reader with something completely unforeseen yet entirely believable.
The main character, Samuel is an ordinary thirteen-year-old boy whose life is transformed in extraordinary ways. The publisher writes, “Gary Paulsen brings readers into the flesh-and-blood reality of one boy’s struggle in the long and savage war that changed people’s lives in infinite ways.” It’s best to just read it, without reading the jacket cover or anything. Is it a sad story? Yes. Is it full of exciting action? Yes. Is it deeply depressing and full of despair? No. Similar to the birth of America, it is a tale of tragedy and triumph. It is just the sort of book that boys (ages 10-14+) should be reading. And the values taught within the tale will be tops on anyone’s list: loyalty, perseverance, self-sacrifice for others, resiliency, and resourcefulness.
Some other good books for boys, related to boys surviving difficult obstacles:
Hatchet, by Gary Paulsen
Holes, by Jeff Sachar
Hoot, by Carl Hiassen
The King of Mulberry Street, by Donna Jo Napoli
The Bronze Bow, by Elizabeth George Speare
Percy Jackson and the Olympians (Series) by Rick Riordan
The Secret Benedict Society (Series) by Trenton Lee Stewart
Eragon (Series) by Chris Paolini
On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness (Series) by Andrew Peterson
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Please recommend other great books for 10-14 year old boys in the comment box below.
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Tags: Adolescence, Books, Family Life, Growing Up, Independence, Maturing, Reading, Resiliency, Sacrifices, Significance
Categories : Adolescence, Physical Development, Relationship, Resiliency
Questions to Ask Kids
24 10 2010
Kids want to be known, and not just by their parents (their #1 source of value). They want their teachers, coaches, scout leaders, and neighbors to know their names, their interests, and their talents. Granted, some kids seem to want to be left alone, but even the shy ones deeply desire to be known by others on some level. It’s ingrained in all of us. Nobody likes to called by the wrong name (sibling confusion is common). Nobody enjoys being overlooked by the cool coach who loves to talk with the cool kids on the team. And when it’s halfway through the year and the teacher still can’t remember your name, it hurts.
Some adults are natural-born kid-lovers. They just know exactly how to talk to kids and make them laugh. Somehow they get away with teasing them to no end, or the kids just flock to them because they feel safe and loved with them. They make great youth leaders, mentors, and assistant coaches. However, it’s not so easy for most adults to connect with kids, especially if they don’t think they have anything in common with them.
Fortunately, it’s not rocket surgery. So, here are some easy conversation starters. First and foremost, always call a kid by name every time you see him or her. If you can’t remember his or her name, then find out (to avoid the same problem next time).
“Hey, Joel…
How’s it going today? What’s up this morning / afternoon / evening?
What did you do this last weekend? What was the best / worst part of it?
What are you doing this next weekend? Anything fun or unusual?
What are you doing for Christmas Break? (Adapt to whatever break is upcoming)
What sport are you playing this season? How’s that going? What position do you play? What team? Who is on that team that I might know? Who’s your coach? Where do you play? Does your teams travel? Is it your favorite sport? Do you think you’ll play that in high school?
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Tags: Adolescence, Communication, Community, Encouraging, Friends, Growing Up, Loneliness, Relationship, Significance
Categories : Adolescence, Friendship, Parenting, Relationship, Role Models, Social Development
The Wrong Kind of Pain
17 10 2010
Generally speaking, children who face difficulties will grow up stronger in the long run. They earn a host of other character qualities, forged in the fires of adolescence. I say “generally” because there are some trials which are truly damaging to the soul of a child: molestation being one that comes to mind. But intense, unmitigated bullying can be just as bad, raping the heart of all that is good.
“Single Dad Laughing” is an excellent blog, and there is one must-read article called “Memoirs of a Bullied Kid.” It will take about 15 minutes to read and reflect on it, and if you are a parent, teacher, or coach, then it is well worth your time.
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Tags: Adolescence, Bullying, Growing Up, Loneliness, Maturing, Parenting, Relationship, Resiliency
Categories : Adolescence, Parenting, Relationship, Resiliency, Social Development
The Value of Pain
13 10 2010
As I walk through the halls after school, there is a barrage of faces along my path. Some I know well; some I don’t know at all. Some are happy; some look very frustrated. But all of these kids have stories inside. Some of their stories are silly — full of joy from a life yet unblemished by heartache or tragedy. And some have stories they keep to themselves because they are not the kind that they want to tell or others want to hear. There are some broken kids out there, some of whom will mend well, and grow up to be good and strong.
As I walk briskly by them each day, I think about what stories I know. Not enough, unfortunately. But I know that boy; he’s has had serious struggles with perfectionism and an eating disorder in middle school and is now very healthy, athletic, and academically successful. I know that girl, whose mother died of cancer when she was ten; her dad remarried a woman whose spouse also died of cancer. Their blended family is an inspiration. I also know the story of that girl, whose little brother has Down’s Syndrome and whose parents are on the brink of divorce; she’s serious, smart, and sometimes silly. Actually, I just know bits and pieces of their stories, but it’s enough to see the depth in their eyes. I know that they know pain.
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Tags: Adolescence, Consequences, Education, Encouraging, Growing Up, Immaturity, Parenting, Perfectionism, Resiliency, Significance, Teens
Categories : Adolescence, Education, Friendship, Parenting, Physical Development, Relationship, Resiliency, Social Development, Spiritual Development
Fandango: How boys make friends
22 07 2010fandango |fanˈda ng gō| noun
1. a lively Spanish dance.
2. a foolish or useless act or thing.
In May 1993, six young men on the cusp of college graduation, decided to forgo the prudent way to spend the final two days before final exams, in favor of driving south all night toward Mexico in a small Toyota pickup, in pursuit of an adventure worthy of a lifelong memory. Inspired by the little-known movie, Fandango, they piled three in the cab, three in the bed, with nothing packed but a desire to do something truly memorable and perhaps meaningful. It was their final act before each going their own way in life to sundry cities, careers, and spouses. It would be a celebration of the privileges of youth. And it would be repeated many times later. Only later it would be a celebration of something more meaningful – deep friendship amidst life’s struggles.
Ten years later, those men, returned to retrieve what was left behind: a makeshift time capsule buried a stone’s throw from Mexico, full of meaningful tokens, such as pictures, prophecies, jewelry, notes to self, and a pact of friendship that they wrote on the spot.
And ever since 2003, they reunite for another summer fandango (each year someplace new). Fandango began as a silly 36-hour road trip, and it’s become a rich tradition for these men. I am privileged to be a part of that group that grows in friendship each year.
We have talked about writing a book about it, but we can’t seem to agree on exactly how to do it well. I believe that the adventures and the lessons need more time to percolate, and in time, it will make a good read. In the meantime, we’ve dabbled with some small pieces of writing. Last year, Yancey wrote a piece about our 2009 Fandango, and this year Jeff has written a bit about the 2010 Fandango on his blog. I think it deserves attention in this space, since it deals with how men form strong friendships.
Boys, 10-14 especially, need to learn how to make friends well, in order to grow up to be effective men. So if this interests you, follow this link to Jeff’s article about how men make lifelong friendships. Here’s a taste: “For guys, friendship never happens as spontaneously as we’d like. It takes props, plans, and risks, but the investment leads to a kind of laughter that is only shared by true compañeros.”
I hope it helps you better understand how to help boys make friends, for they are a very different social animal than girls.
In short, find ways to give boys opportunities (within basic safety limits) to get together to…
- be physical (wrestle, tackle, flip, chase, body surf…)
- be silly (tell jokes, tease, perform skits, practical jokes…)
- take risks (compete to win, jump off the high dive, ride a roller coaster…)
- go on an adventurous journey with a mission (road trip with dad, bike ride to grocery store, hunting with grandpa…)
- play with stuff (build forts, make a bonfire with dad, Nerf, foam swords…)
Boys need to share these kinds of experiences with other boys in order to make friends. It rarely happens any other way.
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Tags: Activities, Adolescence, Community, Friends, Friendship, Growing Up, Maturing, Relationship, Significance
Categories : Friendship, Relationship, Social Development
Prepare Them for Life
17 07 2010Protection and provision are not enough.
“Here’s the paradox: If we protect our children too absolutely, we actually end up exposing them to other risks. And leave them without the skills, experiences, and minor life lessons that they’ll need to handle the big challenges as they grow up.” (Perri Klass, M.D.)
When children are very young, they must be protected and nurtured in absolutely every way. An infant is helpless and needy at all times. He must be fed, clothed, changed, transported, and even cajoled into sleep – or else he will get sick and die. Babies are totally unprepared for life. Now flash forward 18 years, and that same human, now full-grown, had better not be helpless or needy, or else something very wrong has taken place in the meantime. That 18 year old should be a strong, self-sufficient young man, able to learn on his own at school, have a variety of healthy relationships, and be able to do the jobs that other adults require of them, in order to have any success in his adult life. 
After all, he is a legal adult with all the rights and privileges that come with: working, paying taxes, continuing education, voting, getting married, having children, and even fighting in a war. He should be ready to fly on his own – maybe not soar yet, but fly enough to survive.
In a recent article about “helicopter parenting” we get a glimpse of the problem from the eyes of a college professor. “Kathleen Crowley, a professor of psychology says parents’ eagerness to overdirect their children’s lives has led to young adults who are less independent and creative than the generation before. Twenty years ago, Crowley announced an upcoming test in her college classes and that was the end of the discussion. Now, she says she’s expected to provide students with a study guide so they know exactly how to prepare, and she’s had these same young adults come to her in tears because they’d earned their first B and didn’t know how to cope. Because of this “extended adolescence,” when these students graduate and enter their careers, they’re now offered workplace mentoring and on-the-job training just to ensure their success.” (Jennifer Gish)
So why are so many 18-28 year old men and women still in adolescence? Why are so many having nervous breakdowns in the midst of their inability to deal with the trials of life? Why are so many young men and women crippled (socially and emotionally) in the adult world?
The answer may be simple, but the solution is complex. The young man’s parents, teachers, and coaches may have done a fine job of protecting and providing, but they did not prepare the child for adulthood. The solution is not so simple. HOW do you prepare a child to succeed on his or her own? (The following is not a comprehensive list)
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Tags: Adolescence, Consequences, Education, Encouraging, Growing Up, Maturing, Parenting, Relationship, Resiliency, Role Models, Serving, Significance, Work
Categories : Adolescence, Discipline, Education, Parenting, Relationship, Resiliency, Role Models, Self-Discipline, Social Development
Avoiding a Mid-Life Crisis
1 07 2010If you are growing old well, then you are likely to help a child grow up well.
40 is not old, but it’s certainly not young either. It’s the start of mid-life, and it has a well-earned, dangerous reputation. It’s when so many people have an inner crisis, even if life is sailing along smoothly on the outside. At some point disappointment, boredom, or depression accompany the person who has a career, a family, a home, a community, and all the subsequent stress of being responsible for so much. In addition, health problems of all kinds begin to flare up by 40, which remind us that we are decaying in far more ways than we are growing.
Many 40-somethings have established their career, have gotten married, have had a few kids, and have bought all the things they need and most of the things they want. They have arrived at their life destination, and they wonder, “This is it?”
For others, they are still building the best life they can, and they feel the crushing weight of pressure from what they have constructed. There are too many things to do, too many people to care for, too many problems to solve – just too many responsibilities in every area of life. They are caring for children, spouses, friends, employees, and even aging parents. They get to a point where they simply cannot balance it all anymore; it’s all just too much. In frustration they cry out, “There just isn’t enough me to go around!”
It’s a tough time of life, indeed, and for some it’s just too much, so they pull the ripcord of life. They give up on something big, like their marriage, their kids, or their career. Sometimes they chuck it all at once. Or they just give up trying very hard at anything, settling into a comfortably complacent lifestyle. They fall prey to the consumer-centered suburban lifestyle, and they go out to pasture.
So what’s a mid-lifer to do? Well, after spending four days in Colorado with some of my favorite 40-ish guys, I’m ready to convey a few suggestions based on our conversations. I’m sorry if any of this seems trite; I realize that all of these things are a lot easier said than done. But hopefully, it will help in some way – for your sake, and for your kids.
- Focus. Identify your top four or five priorities in life and focus on them — to the detriment of all else. Set your sights on just a few things that you are passionate about and that you have valued for a long time. For me (at this point in my life) it’s family, faith, teaching, and writing. If I can do those things well, then I am on the right track. But that may mean that I am not going to keep up with all my friends very well. It means that I am not going to be able to play golf, read a novel a month, or hone my guitar skills anytime soon. I have to face facts: I can only do so much. Trying to do it all is living in a fantasy world (see #4 below). Learn to accept mediocrity in the less important areas of your life. Read the rest of this entry »
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Tags: Balance, Christianity, Coaching, Community, Friends, Growing Up, Independence, Maturing, Parenting, Relationship, Resiliency, Sacrifices, Significance, Success, Thankfulness
Categories : health, Parenting, Relationship, Resiliency, Role Models
Father or Friend?
21 06 2010Father’s Day. We give Dad something like a pocket knife or a round of golf. We remind him that we appreciate his work and that his role is valuable. It’s a worthwhile holiday, even if it’s a bit underwhelming sometimes. Nonetheless, a good dad is priceless, which is worth celebrating.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who are deeply-saddened on Father’s Day. It’s a painful reminder of what could have been, or once was. There are so many who would give anything to have a father to celebrate. So many men wish they could go back in time and do it over again. So many had a terrific dad, only to lose him. For too many, Father’s Day is a reminder of disappointment or tragedy: car accident, cancer, divorce, abandonment, infertility, suicide, or decades of emotional distance. Let this be a reminder that fatherhood should not be taken for granted.
Fortunately, there are many men who have enjoyed the privilege of fatherhood for decades and have taken the responsibility very seriously. They are fortunate, indeed, as are their children.
An old college buddy of mine wrote on his FaceBook wall the following tribute to his dad. “Growing up, he never was distracted by trying to get me to like him – probably the most impressive thing about his love for me. I see parents all the time that try to get their kids to like them so THEY can feel good. It takes a takes a hell of a lot of vision, self-confidence, and faith to be a great parent.”
It’s such a tough job, being a parent. It’s one thing or another, an uphill journey with no end. It’s my firm belief that the price of being a loving parent is high, one way or another. You pay now, or pay later. But the highest price is the paid along the path of least resistance. Those who take the easy road parenting end up in the worst destinations. But those who choose to sacrifice, serve, teach, discipline, encourage, and love their kids daily, making their kids’ needs (not wants) their top priority, will have a tough time of it too. Later, however, they will enjoy the sweet fruits of their work, in the form of beautiful, powerful relationships – full of respect and affection.
Unfortunately, the norm seems to be that parents are giving up the hard role of being a parent and taking on the fun role of just being a friend. So many kids are raising themselves – ineffectively. They are figuring things out the hard way, or not figuring things out in any way. And that is one of society’s biggest problems. This is largely due to parents making deals with their kids to make them happy, rather than making the tough choices that lead to good character.
So, choose to be the adult in your relationship with your child. And encourage others (tactfully, of course) to be the parent, not just a friend. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not turn from it.” Training is tough, but it pays off. Ask any athlete, soldier, or dog owner.
Be the adult, the teacher, the leader, the protector, the provider, the encourager — and yes, the friend. The payoff will be immense.
Comments : 2 Comments »
Tags: Adolescence, Maturing, Parenting, Relationship, Sacrifices, Significance
Categories : Adolescence, Discipline, Parenting, Relationship
Finding Significance
8 03 2010I’ve had the blues for a few weeks now. It’s not a full-blown depression. It’s just a nagging funk that doesn’t seem to have a good reason for its existence and doesn’t seem to have an end. I get it once or twice a year, often on the backside of winter. Since I haven’t been able to just get over it, my wife offered a solution. She kindly told me to get lost.
So, Saturday morning I headed out of town to get lost in the country. I needed to get away for a few hours to a quiet place to reflect on the meaning of my life and pray about what in the world to do about it. I headed south and ended up at this old cemetery.
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Tags: Balance, Christianity, Faith, Growing Up, Maturing, Parenting, Perfectionism, Relationship, Significance, Thankfulness
Categories : Adolescence, Parenting, Relationship, Spiritual Development
Kids Need Community
26 10 2009“No man is an island,” said John Donne, in reference to the ripple effect of the death of one man in a community. Indeed, we are made for community; we are not meant to live alone. By living and working with others, we enjoy many benefits. By choosing to go it alone, whatever the endeavor, we give up countless blessings. While mavericks make great movie characters, real loners miss out on so much. Unfortunately, there are more and more loners in our modern world.
A large social study in 2006 at Duke University illustrated “a sobering picture of an increasingly fragmented America, where intimate social ties — once seen as an integral part of daily life and associated with a host of psychological and civic benefits — are shrinking or nonexistent.” Click here for the article “We’re not saying people are completely isolated. They may have 600 friends on Facebook.com and e-mail 25 people a day, but they are not discussing matters that are personally important.”
It’s nothing new to learn that many people find it extremely difficult to live with others. They find themselves in all kinds of trouble when they have to work with others at length. They hurt people’s feelings, and they get hurt. They annoy and they get annoyed. They both get jealous and cause jealousy. So, they do the logical thing; they take the path of least resistance and withdraw from others. They become independent, vowing to avoid the problems that people cause in their lives.
After all, it is much easier, in the short run, to look out for yourself and take care of your own business, steering clear of other people’s business. But easy is not always good, especially when it comes to relationships.
Robert D. Putnam, a professor of public policy at Harvard and the author of Bowling Alone, wrote his famous book about the same problem – increasing social isolation in the United States. He believes that people must make deliberate steps to join and remain in small communities; otherwise, they will suffer great long-term consequences.
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Tags: Adolescence, Community, Education, Growing Up, Independence, Kids, Loneliness, Maturing, Parenting, Relationship, Resiliency, Role Models, Significance, Teacher, Teens
Categories : Parenting, Relationship, Social Development
The Empty Nest
27 08 2009My children are just entering adolescence, so it surprised me that I had such a visceral reaction to this article about “the empty nest.” It made me realize that these days – right here, right now – with my children are absolutely precious and fleeting.
Whatever you think of Dr. James Dobson, I think you will agree that this piece he wrote many years ago is a beautiful picture of a parent’s loving relationship with his child. Enjoy.
“I’d like to revisit a letter that I wrote some time ago when my own son, Ryan, left home for college. His older sister had taken the same journey several years earlier, which meant that Ryan’s departure officially qualified Shirley and me as ‘empty nesters.’ As you will see, that experience made a profound impact on me.
James Ryan was my boy–the only son I would ever be privileged to raise. What a joy it was to watch him grow and develop and learn. How proud I was to be his father–to be trusted with the well-being of his soul. I put him to bed every night when he was small, and we laughed and we played and we talked to Jesus. I would hide his sister’s stuffed animals around the house, and then we turned out the lights and hunted them with flashlights and a toy rifle. He never tired of that simple game. But the day for games has passed.
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Tags: Christianity, Parenting, Perseverence, Relationship, Significance
Categories : Parenting, Relationship
Heart-to-Heart Connection
17 08 2009Parenting, teaching, and coaching are mutual pursuits. At this stage in my life, I am involved in all three, and I firmly believe that the daily problems I face, the skills I develop, and the lessons I learn are parallel. So, when I recently read a book on parenting, it actually spoke more to me as a teacher and coach. The book is Loving Our Kids on Purpose: Making a Heart-to-Heart Connection by Danny Silk.
At first, I was not impressed because I had pre-judged the book by the back cover; however, the more I read, the more I found it to be insightful and helpful. I kept thinking about my behavior as a classroom teacher – how there are so many times when I win the battle but lose the war with kids. 
I began to see more problems with my behavior, and I eventually gained both inspiration and vision to change, along with some excellent practical advice for parenting.
This will be the first of a four-part series related to the book, in which I comment on some its most profound truths.
The Power of Connection
“The goal (of parenting) isn’t to get them to clean their room; it is to strengthen the connection to your heart. We will deal with the room, but if we lose the connection, we’ve lost the big stuff. We may win the battle, but we’ve lost the war.” (176)
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Tags: Adolescence, Communication, Kids, Parenting, Perseverence, Relationship, Teacher
Categories : Parenting, Relationship
Embracing Interruption
13 08 2009Today was the first day of the school year, the day when the hallways of our middle school are jam-packed with beaming 12-14 year olds. They are beaming with delight at being reunited with their old friends, beaming with suntanned faces full of braces, and beaming with shiny new school supplies, locker decorations, and fresh-out-of-the-box Nikes.
It’s pretty exciting, really, even for a guy who has socks older than these kids. The buzz is real. You can feel it all day long.
And on day one of school, it feels right and very innocent. Every one is curious all day, going from classroom to classroom, anxious to discover who they will be with all year. Teachers feel the same way about it, checking out the kids, seeing if we might know their parents or siblings. We are all trying to get a feel for what the whole year might become and trying to make the best of the fact that there is a year of hard work ahead. There is great hope that this might just be the best year yet.
I had that exact thought this morning just before school started. This might really be the best year yet, of all my 16 years attending the first day of school as a teacher. Then, just before the apex of this blissful moment, I was interrupted by the piercing bong of the PA system and an excessively loud announcement, which was irrelevant to about 998 of the 1,000 people on campus (myself included). I hate that PA. Buzz killed.
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Tags: Adolescence, Kids, Loneliness, Parenting, Relationship, Role Models, School, Serving, Significance, Teacher
Categories : Relationship
