Social Development « Growing Up Well

Protecting Kids From the Inside Out

10 03 2012

Unlike consumer products, parenting comes without instructions or guarantees. We all want our children to grow up happy, healthy, successful, and involved with positive-minded family and friends. However, our children live in a broken world, and it has a way of breaking young people, sooner or later, one way or another. But there is real hope because some young people do indeed grow up well. So, what’s a parent to do, in the face of the sinful human nature and a toxic popular culture, to raise a truly healthy young adult?

We tend to focus on what we can implement to protect our kids by setting appropriate boundaries, establishing positive activities, and providing safe environments in which our kids can grow. While those are all important aspects of raising “good kids,” they are not enough.

1 Samuel 16:7 says, “The Lord does not look at the things of man. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” Apparently, God is more interested in the inner life than the outer life, therefore we should be concerned primarily with the inner life of our children. Unfortunately, most parents focus primarily on the behavior of their kids – the outer life. Parents often react to symptoms, rather than causes. But outward behavior is not isolated from the heart of the child. Behavior is a reflection of the inner reality. Therefore, it is not possible to fix outward behavior permanently without dealing with the problems of the heart.

There is no formula for fixing problem behaviors in children, but an inside-out approach will be more effective than behavior management.

Growing Up Too Fast

A major source of the problem is that kids are growing up too fast. Read the rest of this entry »

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Tags: Adolescence, Child discipline, Christianity, Communication, Education, Encouraging, Faith, Family, Family Life, God, Growing Up, Hard Work, Independence, Kids, Maturing, Parent, Parenting, Perfectionism, Role Models, Serving, Significance, Teacher, Work
Categories : Adolescence, Faith, Family, Middle School, Parenting, Relationship, Social Development, Spiritual Development

What Does it Mean to Grow Up?

23 02 2012

This is the time of year when I start to see some signs of maturity in my 7th grade students. Many of them are growing up, and I’m actually starting to see it, much like the first shoots of daffodils this time of year.

In my English class we read a few coming-of-age novels. Recently, we read The House on Mango Street, and we discussed what it means to grow up. As a way to kick off the discussion, I gave them two definitions that I found from unlikely sources.

The first is just a comment on a blog by someone named Sarge927 who says, “A person “grows up” when he/she learns to take responsibility for his/her own actions and stops behaving as if the world revolves around him/her. Many people never truly grow up because they constantly blame others for everything “bad” that has happened in their lives or they expect everyone and everything in their world to conform to their point of view. People who are grown up will suck it up and pay the price if they get caught breaking the law, even if it’s just a speeding ticket, while those who are not grown up will try to find any and every way to weasel out of it. People who are grown up will give and don’t always expect to get, those who are not grown up will always ask “What’s in it for me?”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

And then there is this classic from a “Dear Abby” column, in which she defined growing up in the following ways:

Maturity is the ability to do a job whether you are supervised or not; finish a job once it is started; carry money without spending it and be able to bear an injustice without wanting to get even.

Maturity is the ability to control anger and settle differences without violence.

Maturity is patience. It is the willingness to postpone immediate gratification in favor of the long-term gain.

Maturity is perseverance, the ability to sweat out a project or a situation in spite of heavy opposition and discouraging setbacks.

Maturity means dependability, keeping one’s word, coming through in a crisis. The immature are masters of the alibi. They are confused and disorganized. Their lives are a maze of broken promises, former friends, unfinished business and good intentions that somehow never materialized.

Well said.

So, we all have some growing up to do, don’t we?

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Tags: Adolescence, Growing Up, Maturing
Categories : Adolescence, Boys, Middle School, Parenting, Resiliency, Self-Discipline, Social Development

Stop, Look, Listen

10 12 2011

Our kids, no matter the age, need us to be with them, explaining what makes one thing beautiful and another ugly, why one thing is important and the other trivial, and why this is quite right and that is all wrong. A relationship such as this is what makes the world a better place, one person at a time.

I am reading a book about finding life’s great truths in the humblest of places. The Power of the Powerless is about the lessons learned in a family that cares for a child that has no abilities. The book affirms life in a profound way. What at first seems like a horrible family situation is revealed to be a wonderful place to grow up. Here is an excerpt.

“The more a parent points out things to their children, the more the children will take it upon themselves to select, identify, listen to, see, embrace.

“I was brought up in a house where the extraordinary was always discovered in the ordinary. I learned to appreciate the sound of water slapping against itself because my father, each Spring, took an iron rake and walked to the small stream that divided our property in two. Each Spring he pulled sticks, rotting leaves, and stones up from the water that broke free the flow of the stream. ‘Christopher, listen to the water rushing.’ So I listened.

“Life imitates life. Children do what adults do. If parents are readers, there is a good chance that their children will grow into the reading habit. If parents embrace the enchantments of the heart, there is a good chance their children, too, will laugh.”

Christopher de Vinck, The Power of the Powerless

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Tags: Child, Children Youth and Family, Communication, Education, Family, Growing Up, Home, Kids, Parent, Parenting, Relationship, Role Models, Significance, Teacher, Teaching
Categories : Adolescence, Boys, Education, Faith, Family, Parenting, Reading, Relationship, Role Models, Social Development, Spiritual Development

You win some; you lose some

25 10 2011

Life is unfair – extraordinarily unfair. Sometimes the good guys lose, while the bad guys revel in their victory. Sometimes, evil dictators prevail for decades, while innocent children starve and suffering saints are martyred. Is this too much for kids to handle? Dare we tell them the truth?

I think the truth sets kids free. In fact, I think we do our kids a disservice by shielding them for too long from the fact that life is not fair. Unfortunately, some kids never learn the lesson, and they are ill-prepared for the world.

Somewhere around eight years old is when kids need to be taught that “Yes, life is unfair. Sometimes you get the raw end of the deal.” That is a fact of life – everyday life.

And yet, kids also need to hear that sometimes you get the unfairly good deal. Sometimes you win, when you shouldn’t have won. Sometimes you find a twenty dollar bill on the street. Sometimes you get way more than you deserve. And yet, you don’t whine and complain about how unfair it is that you were unfairly rewarded.

And kids need to be reminded that they have gift, talents, and blessings that far surpass most kids in the world. They enjoy so many wonderful things that others will never get to enjoy, for the world is full of underprivileged children: the poor, the disabled, the abused, the uneducated, and the weak.

Our kids need to see the truth about the inherent unfairness of life.

You win some, and you lose some, and it’s not necessarily fair.

Now, some people will take this truth and apply it to God. They see the unfairness of life, and they think that it must also apply to the Creator of Life. In other words, since life is difficult and unfair, then God must be difficult and unfair.

Philip Yancey wrote in his book Disappointment With God, “We tend to think that life should be fair because God is fair. But God is not life. And if I confuse God with the physical reality of life – by expecting constant good health, for example – then I set myself up for a crashing disappointment… The cross of Christ overcame evil, but it did not overcome unfairness in this life.”

Pastor Todd Wagner (of Watermark Church in Dallas) recently posted on Twitter, “God does not promise to give us whatever our heart desires. He promises that He is what our heart desires.“ It’s the good news of an unfair life. Life is hard, but God is good – all the time. Kids deserve to know this.

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Tags: Adolescence, Growing Up, Independence, Kids, Maturing, Personal life, Philosophy
Categories : Adolescence, Faith, Resiliency, Social Development

Loving Grandpa

15 09 2011

One of my favorite 7^th grade essays ever is this memoir about a grandfather. Ashley Aucker, is now a 25 year old, wife, mother, singer, and songwriter. She was a sweet, quiet little 12 year old in my 7^th grade English class many years ago when she wrote this essay. It blew me away then, and it still moves me now. It’s a tribute to the power of a loving grandparent and the deep the inner lives of children.

The first thing I saw upon waking up were tears streaming down my mom’s face. My eyes were still groggy, but I could tell she has been crying a lot. She told me to get up and get dressed as quickly as possible. The one thing about mornings is that it is the most confusing time of day. Therefore, asking no questions, I got up and did as my mom told me. I threw on a shirt and jeans, brushed my teeth and hair, and ran out to the car.

“We are going to see Grandpa,” she finally told me on the way over to my grandparent’s house. I soon understood what was going on. Grandpa had had cancer for about two years, and this day he was struggling greatly, and I knew that this day he would breathe his last breath. Read the rest of this entry »

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Tags: Adolescence, Christianity, Faith, Family Life, Grandparents, Grief, Growing Up, Kids, Maturing, Relationship, Resiliency, Role Models, Significance
Categories : Adolescence, Faith, Family, Relationship, Resiliency, Role Models, Social Development, Spiritual Development

Raising Boys to be Real Men

12 09 2011

Boys are misunderstood. Too often, they are disciplined and shamed by their teachers, parents, or grandparents because it is falsely assumed that good boys should act just like good girls.

Raising boys is a topic of numerous books, but one that stands out is Raising Cain, by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson. I had the privilege of hearing them speak at a conference, and their wisdom impressed me deeply. Here are my notes and thoughts from two of their sessions.

Emotions. Give boys permission to have an internal life. Give approval to their wide-ranging emotions, as long as they behave civilly. Their tendency will be to hide their emotions at every turn, but this is not healthy. Help them use words to express their feelings effectively, since it is not in their nature or in their culture to speak openly about their feelings. So, give respect to their inner life, and speak about your own inner life. Share your likes, dislikes, fears, sorrows, regrets, hopes, and weaknesses with each other.

Activity. Accept the high activity level of boys as a healthy part of who they are. Give them a safe place to express their need for action. Embrace their physicality as natural, normal, and in need of channeling, rather than suppressing. Boys need to learn to manage their physicality, but they do not need to be shamed for their exuberance.

Speak to them. Talk to boys in their language – in a way that honors their pride and masculinity. Be direct with them. Say what you mean and mean what you say. And when possible, use them as consultants and problem solvers. They will love feeling important to you. It is important to communicate with them in a way that honors their wish for strength and respect.

Re-define courage. Teach boys that there is more to being a hero than physically defeating an enemy. Read the rest of this entry »

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Tags: Adolescence, Boy, Boys, Education, Emotion, Encouraging, Family, Friends, Growing Up, health, Kids, Maturing, Men, Mental health, Parenting, Preteens, Relationship, Resiliency, Role Models, Significance, Teacher
Categories : Adolescence, Boys, Discipline, Family, Friendship, Media Influence, Parenting, Physical Development, Relationship, Resiliency, Social Development

Middle School: Top Ten Things to Know

19 07 2011

The following is an open letter from my boss, Steve Hall, Head of Middle School at Westminster Christian Academy. Two things to know about him: 1) It is a pleasure to work with him, 2) He “gets it” with regard to adolescents. Enough said. Here’s his two cents on the topic.

——————————————————————————————————-

Dear Parents,

The middle school years are a unique time of life. It is crazy, wonderful, exciting and baffling. As a public service, I’d like to share with you some basic truths about the middle school student living in your home. In the style of the late night shows, I’d like to share with you the Top Ten Things You Should Know About Your Middle School Student  :

10. Each student has one compelling mission each day: avoid embarrassment! It is true that most students believe everyone is watching them at all times. Each student believes a misplaced word, a stumble in the hallway or a failure to meet the unwritten rules of middle school culture — though, in reality, unknown to all — will be seen and remembered forever by all classmates. Parents, don’t take it personally if they don’t want to hug in public anymore.

9. Although all outward evidence suggests otherwise, you are a very important person to your child, and your child feels more secure and valued when you care enough to talk with them about anything and everything. Don’t let the rolling eyes or mock disdain deter you. It’s one of those unwritten rules they have to follow as teenagers.

8. You will require a haz-mat suit and gas mask to handle the unique aromas coming from young teenagers. You have never, ever encountered anything quite like a classroom containing the smells of sweat, an overabundance of body spray and perfume, wet socks and hot, breathing children following PE class. The truth is that kids are self-conscious about the changes that create these issues. It’s a time of a great deal of change in height, weight and appearance. Your child needs a proper diet, plenty of sleep and good hygiene. Be courageous as parents and talk about these changes. The more you talk about them, the easier the discussions will become. Read the rest of this entry »

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Tags: Adolescence, Communication, Education, Encouraging, Family Life, Growing Up, Maturing, Middle School, Relationship, School, Significance
Categories : Adolescence, Education, Family, Middle School, Parenting, Social Development, Spiritual Development

Growing Up Too Fast

12 07 2011

Our culture tends to throw kids in the deep-end of the pool without teaching them how to swim. Kids are given adult freedoms and privileges, without the responsibilities and training to help them handle it. Now more than ever, it’s essential to give kids age-appropriate responsibilities, privileges, and freedoms.

Knowing exactly what is and is not age-appropriate is no simple task. The unpredictable nature of adolescence makes it especially difficult. Every day I am amazed at how 13-year-olds are both incredibly immature and mature. With any group of seventh graders, there will be some kids with tremendous maturity and some with absolutely none. Even more amazing is how a single student can seem so mature one moment and so utterly immature the next moment. It’s a paradox that makes my job as a father, teacher, and coach constantly interesting and challenging.

This is not a new phenomenon, but I think it has grown from a simple stage of development to a societal problem. The problem is that many children are growing up too fast without developing properly. Kids are growing up fast but not well; they are not ready to handle the adult things that they are getting in to so young.

David Elkind wrote The Hurried Child in 1981 and has updated it several times since, in response to the fast-changing world of media and technology in which kids live. He discusses the effects of television on kids in great detail.

Read the rest of this entry »

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Tags: Adolescence, Maturing, Media, Media consumption, Parenting, Preteens, Teens
Categories : Adolescence, Media Influence, Parenting, Resiliency, Self-Discipline, Social Development

Parenting With and Without Fear

14 06 2011

Fear is universal. Columnist Dave Barry writes, “All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears — of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, or speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words “Some Assembly Required.”

We are all deeply motivated by our fears, and they influence nearly every one of our decisions. Some fears are entirely legitimate, while others are unwarranted. Some fears are healthy, while others are neuroses. And while children are naturally prone to fears of all sorts, due to their lack of knowledge, adults are often victims of unfounded fears due to faulty knowledge or perspective.

Parents, in particular, are afraid of anything that poses a threat to the wellness of their children. In their best-selling book Freakonomics, Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner explore the fears that control parents (and grandparents, teachers, coaches, etc.):

No one is more susceptible to an expert’s fear-mongering than a parent. Fear is in fact a major component of parenting. A parent, after all, is the steward of another creature’s life, a creature who in the beginning is more helpless than the newborn of nearly any other species. This leads a lot of parents to spend a lot of their parenting energy simply being scared. Read the rest of this entry »

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Tags: Adolescence, Balance, Faith, Family Life, Fear, Growing Up, Kids, Maturing, Parenting, Relationship, Teens, Youth Sports
Categories : Adolescence, Family, Media Influence, Parenting, Resiliency, Social Development

I Wish You Failure

30 05 2011

Once again, I offer an article from NPR’s This I Believe. Jon Carroll started at the San Francisco Chronicle editing the crossword puzzle and writing TV listings. He has been a columnist for the paper since 1982.

Last week, my granddaughter started kindergarten, and, as is conventional, I wished her success. I was lying. What I actually wish for her is failure. I believe in the power of failure.

Success is boring. Success is proving that you can do something that you already know you can do, or doing something correctly the first time, which can often be a problematical victory. First-time success is usually a fluke. First-time failure, by contrast, is expected; it is the natural order of things.

Failure is how we learn. Read the rest of this entry »

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Tags: Adolescence, Balance, Education, Growing Up, Hard Work, Perfectionism, Resiliency, Success, Work
Categories : Adolescence, Discipline, Education, Parenting, Resiliency, Self-Discipline, Social Development, Spiritual Development

Powerful Blessings

26 04 2011

There are countless ways that an adult can bless a young person. In Trent & Smalley’s book, The Blessing: Giving the Gift of Unconditional Love and Acceptance, dozens of specific examples are given by people who were greatly blessed by their parents. Here are a few of those testimonies. Surely there is something here which can inspire you to better express your love for the young people in your life.

My parents would take the time to really listen to me when I talked to them by looking directly into my eyes.
We were often spontaneously getting hugged, even apart from a task or chore.
They would let me explain my side of the story.
My father would put his arm around me at church and let me lay my head on his shoulder.
They were willing to admit when they were wrong and say, “I’m sorry.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Tags: Adolescence, Encouragement, Family Life, Growing Up, Loneliness, Love, Relationship, Significance
Categories : Adolescence, Family, Parenting, Role Models, Social Development, Spiritual Development

The Blessing

24 04 2011

Most parents deeply love their children but do not express their love in the most effective ways. For many children, they feel that their parents love them when… or if… or as long as…

It’s a shame that the love that lays in the hearts of moms and dads so seldom is expressed freely, clearly, daily, and without conditions attached.

Many are fortunate to experience love from their moms and dads and other significant adults in ways that give them a solid sense of acceptance and worth. They grow up, knowing that they are loved “as is” and that someone is very proud of them.

Unfortunately, most kids strive for a blessing from mom or dad or other adult that they never quite get. They suffer under a love that is either conditional or unexpressed or both. As a result, they are not free to give and receive love as well as they need to. It’s such a shame, since in most cases, the love is there, but it’s just not communicated, or it’s expressed only with strings attached.

In their book, The Blessing, John Trent and Gary Smalley explain how important the family blessing is to every young person. “The family blessing not only provides people a much-needed sense of personal acceptance, it also plays an important part in protecting and even freeing them to develop intimate relationships… The best defense against a child’s longing for imaginary acceptance is to provide him or her with genuine acceptance.” There is no substitute for honest affirmation at home.

So what does a blessing look like? Read the rest of this entry »

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Tags: Growing Up, Love, Parenting, self-esteem
Categories : Adolescence, Family, Relationship, Resiliency, Social Development

Building a Better Brain

18 04 2011

Snooze time
It is essential that children get the proper amount of rest. Follow the recommendations of your pediatrician – at least eight hours per night. Not only will your kids be more alert and ready to learn, they will have much happier attitudes. Set a bed time for your child and stick to it.
Exercise that brain
Your child’s brain is like a sponge ready to soak up everything it comes across. Age appropriate games help to stimulate his mind and gain many varied skills. Board games, building blocks, puzzles, checkers and chess are just a few examples of games that also build smarts. Read the rest of this entry »

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Tags: Adolescence, Education, Growing Up, Hard Work, Independence, School, Teens
Categories : Adolescence, Athletics, Education, Family, Parenting, Social Development

I Believe in Encouragement

17 04 2011

By Lauren Baum, in her senior English class at Westminster Christian Academy, St. Louis (Class of 2011).

Without any hesitation, he said, “I’d be better off dead.” Hearing those words come out of my best friend’s mouth tore my heart apart. He has repeated that phrase more than once, and my mind continually plays it over like a voice recording.

I met my best friend about three years ago. After knowing me for six months, he told me about his struggles with depression. Sadness was not the only emotion that came over me; I was shocked. He seemed so outgoing and happy all the time. I soon learned that he was physically and emotionally abused as a young child, prompting him to bottle up suicidal thoughts. I cannot begin to imagine the physical pain he has suffered during his lifetime.

He refuses to talk to others about his depression because he now distrusts adults, especially those in his family. Nevertheless, he feels as if I understand him and that I know the right words to speak. Consequently, when it comes to helping him, convenience is not in my vocabulary. It does not matter where I am or what I am doing, for he takes priority. Sometimes he just needs the assurance of my voice telling him that everything is going to be okay and that I will not let him down.

Many students at his school mock him when they notice the scars on his arms from cutting. As he sees it, other kids have every right to tease him and to look down on him. But no one holds such a right, so I encourage him to ignore the heartless kids who treat him less than human. When he feels the weight of judging eyes or hateful voices, I always remind him that I care about him unconditionally. Just hearing me say I will always be his best friend seems to give him the security he needs to keep on going.

My best friend once told me that if he had not had me, he would not be alive. He said that my encouraging words convinced him not to take his life. I never took a bullet or rescued him from a burning fire, but, in his eyes, I saved his life. Our friendship has taught me that no matter the situation, a single kind word can impact someone’s life. With the fragility of life as it is, I believe in the necessity of encouragement.

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Tags: Adolescence, Encouragement, Encouraging, Friends, Growing Up, Kids, Loneliness, Relationship, Sacrifices, Teens
Categories : Adolescence, Friendship, Relationship, Social Development

The Power of No (Part 3)

10 03 2011

Young teenagers often “cross the line.” It’s inevitable, so it should not surprise us. Yet, we should not just acquiesce to the lowest common denominator: “Boys will be boys.”

It’s our job as adults to help young boys and girls to live well and to move towards becoming young men and women. Adolescence should be a growth process, not a static state of being, or worse yet, a window of time in which to act like a dumb animal. Saying to kids, “No, you won’t do that,” is vital to a civil society.

Young men and women need adults to speak up, but it’s scary sometimes to be the bad guy. For example, it can be intimidating for even a grown man to tell a teenage boy to pull his pants up, for goodness sake (click here for that story).

Being the bad guy is easier said than done, and as a parent, teacher, and coach, I often fail to hold kids to account. Read the rest of this entry »

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Tags: Adolescence, Community, Consequences, Growing Up, Kids, Maturing, Parenting, Relationship, School, Teacher, Teens
Categories : Adolescence, Discipline, Self-Discipline, Social Development

The Power of No (Part 2)

8 03 2011

Sometimes a bad example is as motivating as a good one. I had just such an experience last Saturday:

Guitar Center is now my son’s “candy store.” There are so many flavors to sample: Stratocaster, Telecaster, Les Paul, and Gretsch to name a very few. Saturdays are the worst day to shop there because there are so many customers trying out electric guitars that it’s sheer dissonance. It’s a cacophony of mostly teenage boys trying to impress nobody in particular with their imitations of classic rock guitar heroes.

One particular 14 year old boy surprised me with his guitar skills, but it was his behavior that was truly shocking. In the thirty minutes that we were there, this boy must have picked up and played twenty guitars through a dozen different amplifiers, using every effect imaginable. He played at near-ear-splitting volume so that other customers could not hear themselves. Eventually, he sat down right next to my son and started wailing away and jammering on about the awesomeness of Marshall amps. Just as I was about to ask him to turn it down, his dad showed up and asked his son to leave. Read the rest of this entry »

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Tags: Adolescence, Consequences, Growing Up, Immaturity, Kids, Maturing, Teens
Categories : Adolescence, Discipline, Family, Parenting, Self-Discipline, Social Development

The Power of No (Part 1)

7 03 2011

Anthony Bourdain, is an American chef, author, and television personality. He is well-known as the host of the Travel Channel‘s culinary and cultural adventure program Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations.

Tony is a rebel; it’s in his blood, and he has used that iconoclastic attitude in a largely positive way – as an aspiring international chef and as an entertainer. In addition to his often-abrasive personality, Tony has a soft heart for people. There is a kindness in him that shines through, even when he is putting on a tough front. He is sweet and sour, you might say.

In his wildly-popular and critically-acclaimed book Kitchen Confidential: Adventures in the Culinary Underbelly, he recounts a crucial moment in his young life when he realized that the universe did not revolve around him.

“My first indication that food was something more than a substance one stuffed in one’s face when hungry – like filling up at a gas station – came after fourth grade in elementary school. It was on a family vacation to Europe…our first trip to my father’s ancestral homeland, France.

“I was largely unimpressed by the food…Centuries of French cuisine had yet to make an impression. What I noticed about food, French style, was what they didn’t have…I was quickly becoming a sullen, moody, difficult little bastard. I fought constantly with my brother, carped about everything, and was in every possible way a drag on my mother’s Glorious Expedition.

Read the rest of this entry »

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Tags: Adolescence, Family Life, Growing Up, Immaturity, Kids, Parenting, Thankfulness
Categories : Adolescence, Family, Parenting, Social Development

The Race to Nowhere

17 02 2011

The Race to Nowhere is a film that will make you think deeply about what a good education looks like. It will challenge your beliefs about the nature of homework, AP classes, and college preparation. You will re-think what a “successful kid” should do in middle school, high school, and college because, in many ways, what we as a society think about that fundamental question is dead wrong.

Whether you are a parent, teacher, or administrator, this is a must-see documentary because it points out some very powerful flaws in our educational system and offers some good solutions. Unlike other recent films about American schools, it does not demand more from students, parents, and teachers; in many ways it asks for less. It will get you thinking and talking.

There are more screenings popping up around the country, and it will eventually be a DVD to purchase. Check it out.

If this trailer resonates with you, and you’d like a greater sense of what this movie is all about, here is what the filmmakers suggest parents do in response to their film:

Read the rest of this entry »

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Tags: Activities, Adolescence, Balance, Community, Education, Family Life, Growing Up, Hard Work, Parenting, Perfectionism, School, Significance, Success, Teens, Work
Categories : Adolescence, Education, Parenting, Social Development

Good Sports

1 02 2011

Football is just a sport. However, it is a platform for parents and coaches to teach some of life’s most valuable lessons and create some of its most powerful experiences.

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Tags: Adolescence, Christianity, Coaching, Community, Education, Sports, Teens, Youth Sports
Categories : Adolescence, Athletics, Relationship, Role Models, Social Development, Spiritual Development

Never Too Young for Compassion

23 01 2011

Sometimes, a single, simple act of compassion can change the world for someone else. As a middle school teacher, I have witnessed this, not daily, but certainly monthly. More often, I have witnessed the converse, in which a single simple act of cruelty can ruin someone’s day, or year. However, the power of compassion is every bit as strong as any cruelty. And children are often compassion’s most powerful agents.

In the book, This I Believe, there is an essay which beautifully illustrates how a child can change the world for someone. I also think it shows how a child can be trained in righteousness by an adult. In this case, the adult is hidden somewhere behind the scenes, actively teaching the child how to be compassionate. In his essay, Miles Goodwin, an attorney from Milwaukee, writes of a life-changing moment in his life:

“On June 23, 1970, I had just been mustered out of the Army after completing my one-year tour of duty in Vietnam. I was a 23-year-old Army veteran on a plane from Oakland, Calif., returning home to Dallas, Texas.

I had been warned about the hostility many of our fellow countrymen felt toward returning ‘Nam vets at that time. There were no hometown parades for us when we came home from that unpopular war. Like tens of thousands of others, I was just trying to get home without incident.

Read the rest of this entry »

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Tags: Beauty, Compassion, Encouraging, Love, Maturing, Parenting, Significance
Categories : Adolescence, Parenting, Role Models, Social Development

Family Matters

19 01 2011

Imagine two American families, living on the same street, both successful in pursuing the American dream. Their Christmas cards are equally impressive. All their kids are college-bound. Their marriages are stable, and they are in the midst of meeting their career and material goals. There are no skeletons hiding in their closets; what you see is what you get with them. But there is a difference that only their very closest friends and family might recognize.

Let’s first meet the Johnson family. Jim is an engineer, who loves to fish and go to his kids’ ball games as much as he can. He is a Boy Scout leader, a bible study leader, and a really nice guy, by all accounts. His wife Sue works part-time as a nurse at the local children’s hospital, in addition to raising three teenagers. Jack (16) plays three competitive sports and gets mostly A’s. He plays guitar in a garage band and loves to ride his dirt bike. Sally (14) is an average student but a truly outstanding gymnast who travels a lot for competitions. When home, she likes to go to the mall or the movie theater as much as possible. Jimmy (12) is interested in everything; he has dozens of hobbies, plays select soccer, is a Boy Scout, and still manages good grades. All in all, the Johnson’s are active, productive, and very busy. They seem content with life and get along well with all kinds of people. They are good neighbors, but they aren’t home much.

Now, meet the Landry family next door. Lou is also an engineer, and Donna works part-time at the elementary school where their three teenage kids attended. The three kids are Josh (17), Bill (15), and Claire (13). They are above-average students, but do not excel in sports or the arts. Except for a few minor incidents, the kids stay out of trouble. After dinner, they like to watch movies together, so they just built a family theater and a “ping pong arena” in the basement. Whenever possible, they get away to Grandpa’s cabin on a lake, where they do a lot of fishing, waterskiing, swimming, cliff jumping, and reading (since there’s no TV at the cabin). Lately, at night, they’ve been playing some very animated games of Texas Hold-em; Mom is actually the best bluffer of the bunch. Their neighbors miss them when they are gone at the cabin because they are a fun-loving family.

So what’s the difference? It’s subtle but powerful.

It’s all about WITH. One family lives WITH each other, while the other does not. The Landry’s play with each other, hang out with each other, and eat with each other. The Johnson’s, however, are not with each other much, except in the car, en route to somebody’s activity. Most people would never see the difference, but it’s a big one. One family is a team, while the other is a bunch of individuals. Yes, the Johnson’s appear to be a tight family, but they are not. They each have their individual lives, full of their own favorite activities; they freely pursue their own happiness, free from the inconveniences of the family bond.

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Tags: Community, Family Life, Growing Up, Kids, Maturing, Parenting, Relationship, Role Models, Sacrifices, Serving, Significance, Teens
Categories : Adolescence, Parenting, Relationship, Social Development, Spiritual Development

How to Negotiate with Children

16 01 2011

In a recent panel discussion about parenting on National Public Radio, “When No Means No” (11 minutes of audio), some moms and a family therapist were debating the extent to which parents should negotiate with their children. It is an interesting discussion about how children need to learn to negotiate at home so that they can learn to negotiate the waters of the river of life. There was no debate among the panel members that negotiation is a vital life skill, and all agreed that parents need to teach children how to do it well. The big question is: How do you allow children to negotiate with adults, without allowing them to become obnoxious little princes and princesses who feel the kingdom is entitled to them?

The power struggle between children and parents is a primary issue in every household, in every culture, in every era of history. It should be. How much power should a child have over his or her life? And how much power should a parent exercise on behalf of the child?

As in all things, the extremes get the most attention. The parents who have total authority over their children make the news with their abusive behavior, and the parents who have no authority in their household make the news with their negligence. The children of these extremists invariably suffer from a wide variety of unhealthy mental and emotional problems. Some work it out, in spite of their parents’ grave mistakes, while most do not successfully grow up well. But most of us don’t fall in the extreme cases.

Most parents learn that very young children need lots of boundaries and very little freedom. And we learn that, as time goes by, they should get increasingly more freedoms and responsibilities, until one day they are independent and can handle living alone at college.

But the real question for most of us is something like, “What do I do with my 8 year old who questions and begs and tries to negotiate with me all the time?”

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Tags: Adolescence, Communication, Consequences, discipline, Expectations, Growing Up, Kids, Modern Teenager, negotiating, Parental power, Parenting, Relationship
Categories : Adolescence, Discipline, Parenting, Relationship, Self-Discipline, Social Development

Life in the Shallows vs. Life at Sea

22 11 2010

In the area of technology and society, nobody is an expert because we just don’t know what the long-term effects are. In fact, nobody even knows what a digital life will look like five years from now. Most of us don’t even understand what is going on right now.

This video displays many of the realities of the digital lives of teenagers and young adults in 2010. I think you’ll find it enjoyable, informational, and thought-provoking.

Jordan is a complex picture of modern adolescence, so it’s not as if this portrait can be labeled as entirely good or bad. However, there are two things that are striking about this video: 1. Jordan is alone and 2. his social connections and activities all exist to serve himself. In a word, I’d describe his relationships as “immature.” In many ways, it is a sad picture of someone whose primary motivation is to entertain himself. Jordan is living for himself and having a pretty good time.

While Jordan is not an evil young man, he is clearly living a life in the shallow end of the pool. He has not grown up yet.

Hopefully, we can raise a generation with a reality that is more rich in meaning than this. Here is an example of a man and his family who are living life well, in spite of daily trials and extreme tragedies. Furthermore, they are passing good character on down to the next generation. Prepare yourself for the remarkable story of Ed Thomas, his family, and his community.

And to accept the award…

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Tags: Communication, Immaturity, Media, Media consumption, Relationship, Technology
Categories : Adolescence, Friendship, Media Influence, Relationship, Resiliency, Role Models, Social Development

Questions to Ask Kids

24 10 2010

Kids want to be known, and not just by their parents (their #1 source of value). They want their teachers, coaches, scout leaders, and neighbors to know their names, their interests, and their talents. Granted, some kids seem to want to be left alone, but even the shy ones deeply desire to be known by others on some level. It’s ingrained in all of us. Nobody likes to called by the wrong name (sibling confusion is common). Nobody enjoys being overlooked by the cool coach who loves to talk with the cool kids on the team. And when it’s halfway through the year and the teacher still can’t remember your name, it hurts.

Some adults are natural-born kid-lovers. They just know exactly how to talk to kids and make them laugh. Somehow they get away with teasing them to no end, or the kids just flock to them because they feel safe and loved with them. They make great youth leaders, mentors, and assistant coaches. However, it’s not so easy for most adults to connect with kids, especially if they don’t think they have anything in common with them.

Fortunately, it’s not rocket surgery. So, here are some easy conversation starters. First and foremost, always call a kid by name every time you see him or her. If you can’t remember his or her name, then find out (to avoid the same problem next time).

“Hey, Joel…

How’s it going today? What’s up this morning / afternoon / evening?

What did you do this last weekend? What was the best / worst part of it?

What are you doing this next weekend? Anything fun or unusual?

What are you doing for Christmas Break? (Adapt to whatever break is upcoming)

What sport are you playing this season? How’s that going? What position do you play? What team? Who is on that team that I might know? Who’s your coach? Where do you play? Does your teams travel? Is it your favorite sport? Do you think you’ll play that in high school?

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Tags: Adolescence, Communication, Community, Encouraging, Friends, Growing Up, Loneliness, Relationship, Significance
Categories : Adolescence, Friendship, Parenting, Relationship, Role Models, Social Development

Questions Kids Have But Don’t Ask

22 10 2010

Here are some of the big questions kids (10-14) have, although they will rarely, if ever, vocalize them. Understanding the questions is half the battle; having all the answers is not necessary, even if it were possible.

Who are my real friends? Who really likes me? In which group do I belong?

Who am I? How am I like and different from others my age?

What will I do with my life? Will I be important?

What sort of career and family will I have?

What will I look and act like when I am a grown up?

Am I cool?

Am I respected?

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Tags: Beauty, Career, Christianity, Community, Faith, Friends, Growing Up, Immaturity, Kids, Maturing, Resiliency, Significance, Success
Categories : Adolescence, Social Development, Spiritual Development

The Wrong Kind of Pain

17 10 2010

Generally speaking, children who face difficulties will grow up stronger in the long run. They earn a host of other character qualities, forged in the fires of adolescence. I say “generally” because there are some trials which are truly damaging to the soul of a child: molestation being one that comes to mind. But intense, unmitigated bullying can be just as bad, raping the heart of all that is good.

“Single Dad Laughing” is an excellent blog, and there is one must-read article called “Memoirs of a Bullied Kid.” It will take about 15 minutes to read and reflect on it, and if you are a parent, teacher, or coach, then it is well worth your time.

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Tags: Adolescence, Bullying, Growing Up, Loneliness, Maturing, Parenting, Relationship, Resiliency
Categories : Adolescence, Parenting, Relationship, Resiliency, Social Development

The Value of Pain

13 10 2010

As I walk through the halls after school, there is a barrage of faces along my path. Some I know well; some I don’t know at all. Some are happy; some look very frustrated. But all of these kids have stories inside. Some of their stories are silly — full of joy from a life yet unblemished by heartache or tragedy. And some have stories they keep to themselves because they are not the kind that they want to tell or others want to hear. There are some broken kids out there, some of whom will mend well, and grow up to be good and strong.

As I walk briskly by them each day, I think about what stories I know. Not enough, unfortunately. But I know that boy; he’s has had serious struggles with perfectionism and an eating disorder in middle school and is now very healthy, athletic, and academically successful. I know that girl, whose mother died of cancer when she was ten; her dad remarried a woman whose spouse also died of cancer. Their blended family is an inspiration. I also know the story of that girl, whose little brother has Down’s Syndrome and whose parents are on the brink of divorce; she’s serious, smart, and sometimes silly. Actually, I just know bits and pieces of their stories, but it’s enough to see the depth in their eyes. I know that they know pain.

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Tags: Adolescence, Consequences, Education, Encouraging, Growing Up, Immaturity, Parenting, Perfectionism, Resiliency, Significance, Teens
Categories : Adolescence, Education, Friendship, Parenting, Physical Development, Relationship, Resiliency, Social Development, Spiritual Development

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