The Sex Talk

28 07 2010

No parent enjoys talking about sex with their adolescent children.  It’s just awkward, and there’s no way to make it easy and effective.  You either wimp out and take the easy road, and cover little to no territory.  Or you dive into the deep end and get awkward all over the place.

So, in addition to having some slightly-awkward discussions with my just-turned-twelve son, I found a book which should help a lot.  It’s called Sex and the New You, and it does a very nice job of explaining sex to 11-14 year olds.  There are other books in the series for younger and older age groups, and I think they are well-grouped.  You should know that this book series is published by Concordia Publishing, which is a Christian publishing house, so the role of sexuality in the book is coming from a God-centered viewpoint.  In other words, God created human sexuality for good purposes, and it’s our job to understand it and handle it with care.

I found the book to be very informative, honest, and positive about some hard-to-discuss issues.  It focuses positively on the changes that occur in every young person, as they experience puberty.  But it also delves into more difficult topics, but at an age-appropriate level, in each case.  Clearly, it was a team of authors with a lot of experience with adolescents who wrote this book.  I think it will be an excellent resource for my son at this point in his life.


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Categories : Adolescence, Education, health, Parenting, Physical Development

Fit Kids!

24 07 2010

I’m in the midst of researching youth fitness issues, as I prepare to teach cross-country for the first time this year. My wife suggested Fit Kids! by Dr. Ken Cooper. I’ve been familiar with Dr. Cooper’s work for many years; he has a phenomenal (and massive) health clinic in Dallas.  He actually invented modern aerobics.  Nobody has more breadth and depth of knowledge about general fitness, in my opinion.

All that to say that this book is an excellent resource about kids’ exercise, diet, stress, and sports.  He is not extreme in any way, and he bases his opinions on research, not mere experience.  It’s a bit old (last updated in 1999), but I didn’t find anything that seemed dated in any way.  You can buy it for under $2 from Amazon or $1 on Half.com (my favorite), so it’ll be delivered to your door for about $5.  My wife and I highly recommend it, whether you are a youth sports coach, PE teacher, or a parent.


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Categories : Adolescence, Athletics, Education, health, Physical Development

Fandango: How boys make friends

22 07 2010

fandango  |fanˈda ng gō|  noun
1. a lively Spanish dance.
2. a foolish or useless act or thing.

In May 1993, six young men on the cusp of college graduation, decided to forgo the prudent way to spend the final two days before final exams, in favor of driving south all night toward Mexico in a small Toyota pickup, in pursuit of an adventure worthy of a lifelong memory.  Inspired by the little-known movie, Fandango, they piled three in the cab, three in the bed, with nothing packed but a desire to do something truly memorable and perhaps meaningful.  It was their final act before each going their own way in life to sundry cities, careers, and spouses.  It would be a celebration of the privileges of youth. And it would be repeated many times later.  Only later it would be a celebration of something more meaningful – deep friendship amidst life’s struggles.

Ten years later, those men, returned to retrieve what was left behind: a makeshift time capsule buried a stone’s throw from Mexico, full of meaningful tokens, such as pictures, prophecies, jewelry, notes to self, and a pact of friendship that they wrote on the spot.

And ever since 2003, they reunite for another summer fandango (each year someplace new).  Fandango began as a silly 36-hour road trip, and it’s become a rich tradition for these men. I am privileged to be a part of that group that grows in friendship each year.

We have talked about writing a book about it, but we can’t seem to agree on exactly how to do it well. I believe that the adventures and the lessons need more time to percolate, and in time, it will make a good read.  In the meantime, we’ve dabbled with some small pieces of writing.  Last year, Yancey wrote a piece about our 2009 Fandango, and this year Jeff has written a bit about the 2010 Fandango on his blog. I think it deserves attention in this space, since it deals with how men form strong friendships.

Boys, 10-14 especially, need to learn how to make friends well, in order to grow up to be effective men.  So if this interests you, follow this link to Jeff’s article about how men make lifelong friendships.  Here’s a taste: “For guys, friendship never happens as spontaneously as we’d like. It takes props, plans, and risks, but the investment leads to a kind of laughter that is only shared by true compañeros.”

I hope it helps you better understand how to help boys make friends, for they are a very different social animal than girls.

In short, find ways to give boys opportunities (within basic safety limits) to get together to…

  • be physical  (wrestle, tackle, flip, chase, body surf…)
  • be silly  (tell jokes, tease, perform skits, practical jokes…)
  • take risks  (compete to win, jump off the high dive, ride a roller coaster…)
  • go on an adventurous journey with a mission (road trip with dad, bike ride to grocery store, hunting with grandpa…)
  • play with stuff (build forts, make a bonfire with dad, Nerf, foam swords…)

Boys need to share these kinds of experiences with other boys in order to make friends.  It rarely happens any other way.


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Categories : Friendship, Relationship, Social Development

Prepare Them for Life

17 07 2010

Protection and provision are not enough.

“Here’s the paradox: If we protect our children too absolutely, we actually end up exposing them to other risks.  And leave them without the skills, experiences, and minor life lessons that they’ll need to handle the big challenges as they grow up.” (Perri Klass, M.D.)

When children are very young, they must be protected and nurtured in absolutely every way.  An infant is helpless and needy at all times.  He must be fed, clothed, changed, transported, and even cajoled into sleep – or else he will get sick and die.  Babies are totally unprepared for life.  Now flash forward 18 years, and that same human, now full-grown, had better not be helpless or needy, or else something very wrong has taken place in the meantime.  That 18 year old should be a strong, self-sufficient young man, able to learn on his own at school, have a variety of healthy relationships, and be able to do the jobs that other adults require of them, in order to have any success in his adult life.  After all, he is a legal adult with all the rights and privileges that come with: working, paying taxes, continuing education, voting, getting married, having children, and even fighting in a war.  He should be ready to fly on his own – maybe not soar yet, but fly enough to survive.

In a recent article about “helicopter parenting” we get a glimpse of the problem from the eyes of a college professor.  “Kathleen Crowley, a professor of psychology says parents’ eagerness to overdirect their children’s lives has led to young adults who are less independent and creative than the generation before. Twenty years ago, Crowley announced an upcoming test in her college classes and that was the end of the discussion. Now, she says she’s expected to provide students with a study guide so they know exactly how to prepare, and she’s had these same young adults come to her in tears because they’d earned their first B and didn’t know how to cope. Because of this “extended adolescence,” when these students graduate and enter their careers, they’re now offered workplace mentoring and on-the-job training just to ensure their success.” (Jennifer Gish)

So why are so many 18-28 year old men and women still in adolescence?  Why are so many having nervous breakdowns in the midst of their inability to deal with the trials of life?  Why are so many young men and women crippled (socially and emotionally) in the adult world?

The answer may be simple, but the solution is complex.  The young man’s parents, teachers, and coaches may have done a fine job of protecting and providing, but they did not prepare the child for adulthood.  The solution is not so simple.  HOW do you prepare a child to succeed on his or her own?  (The following is not a comprehensive list)

Read the rest of this entry »


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Categories : Adolescence, Discipline, Education, Parenting, Relationship, Resiliency, Role Models, Self-Discipline, Social Development

Cool Kids

14 07 2010

At times I am as guilty as anyone of ranting about how kids these days just aren’t what they used to be.  And while it is certainly scary and frustrating to see all the many troubles with youth culture, it’s so important to not lose sight of the kids who are doing so well in so many ways.  The fact is that there  are A LOT of terrific kids out there, and yet we don’t know about them.

I don’t know this girl personally.  I just stumbled on this article online, but I was glad to see a newspaper devoting some space for kids who are growing up well.  This girl is obviously talented, but she deserves credit for using her gifts and talents well.

http://www.gazette.com/articles/strong-99996-bethany-nominated.html

I believe that every school in the country has kids like this, and that they are not all that unusual.  It’s just that the bad kids get all the press.  So let’s remember that there are plenty of cool kids (not necessarily “popular”) out there doing great things.  And remember that just because there are a lot of knucklehead kids out there making trouble does not mean that there aren’t as many all-stars out there quietly making the world a better place.


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Video Games

13 07 2010

I grew up with the Atari 2600 video game system.  It was the cultural phenomenon of 1978, right along with Star Wars (I was a nut for both).  To go from the old Pong game system to Space Invaders, Pac Man, Pitfall, and Asteroids seemed like a giant leap for all mankind.  I had such fun playing those games, saving up my money to buy another cartridge, and swapping stories and games with my friends.  Perhaps I wasted some hours of life along the way, especially in the long days of summer, but all in all, it was good clean fun.

Flash forward 33 summers later.  My son just turned 12, and like all boys, loves to play video games on his X-Box.  As a matter of fact, right now he is playing a video hockey game with a friend.  They just finished playing soccer and wiffle ball outside, so it’s a great way to cool down indoors on this steamy July afternoon.

This is what I love about video games.  It can be a very social activity for boys and girls to play in between more active, creative activities. Sometimes, my son and I will play a game when we are wiped out from the other activities of the day, and we just want to chill out and have some fun.  We tease each other and laugh a lot, as we play a game that keeps us acting and reacting to each others’ onscreen moves.  Mostly, he wins, which makes him feel great, but most importantly, we enjoy the free-spirited competition –  the laughs, the taunts, the punches — much more than the game itself.

As with every good thing, there can be too much of it.  Here’s one of many articles about the negative effects of too much gaming. Certainly, moderation is paramount with video games. Read the rest of this entry »


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Categories : Adolescence, health, Media Influence, Parenting, Social Development, Technology

Father or Friend?

21 06 2010

Father’s Day.  We give Dad something like a pocket knife or a round of golf.  We remind him that we appreciate his work and that his role is valuable.  It’s a worthwhile holiday, even if it’s a bit underwhelming sometimes.  Nonetheless, a good dad is priceless, which is worth celebrating.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who are deeply-saddened on Father’s Day.  It’s a painful reminder of what could have been, or once was.  There are so many who would give anything to have a father to celebrate.  So many men wish they could go back in time and do it over again.  So many had a terrific dad, only to lose him.  For too many, Father’s Day is a reminder of disappointment or tragedy: car accident, cancer, divorce, abandonment, infertility, suicide, or decades of emotional distance.  Let this be a reminder that fatherhood should not be taken for granted.

Fortunately, there are many men who have enjoyed the privilege of fatherhood for decades and have taken the responsibility very seriously.  They are fortunate, indeed, as are their children.

An old college buddy of mine wrote on his FaceBook wall the following tribute to his dad.  “Growing up, he never was distracted by trying to get me to like him – probably the most impressive thing about his love for me. I see parents all the time that try to get their kids to like them so THEY can feel good. It takes a takes a hell of a lot of vision, self-confidence, and faith to be a great parent.”

It’s such a tough job, being a parent. It’s one thing or another, an uphill journey with no end.  It’s my firm belief that the price of being a loving parent is high, one way or another.  You pay now, or pay later.  But the highest price is the paid along the path of least resistance. Those who take the easy road parenting end up in the worst destinations.  But those who choose to sacrifice, serve, teach, discipline, encourage, and love their kids daily, making their kids’ needs (not wants) their top priority, will have a tough time of it too.  Later, however, they will enjoy the sweet fruits of their work, in the form of beautiful, powerful relationships – full of respect and affection.

Unfortunately, the norm seems to be that parents are giving up the hard role of being a parent and taking on the fun role of just being a friend.  So many kids are raising themselves – ineffectively.  They are figuring things out the hard way, or not figuring things out in any way.  And that is one of society’s biggest problems.  This is largely due to parents making deals with their kids to make them happy, rather than making the tough choices that lead to good character.

So, choose to be the adult in your relationship with your child.  And encourage others (tactfully, of course) to be the parent, not just a friend.  Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not turn from it.”  Training is tough, but it pays off.  Ask any athlete, soldier, or dog owner.

Be the adult, the teacher, the leader, the protector, the provider, the encourager — and yes, the friend.  The payoff will be immense.


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Twilight – Good Book for Kids?

10 06 2010

Written by a follower of this blog – A mother and teacher of middle schoolers

When parents are faced with their elementary child begging to read a book, they should not deny them that opportunity simply because they’ve “heard” it’s an inappropriate book.  Even worse, parents should NOT just let their kids read anything at all with no supervision. Take the Twilight series that so many elementary-aged girls are reading, for example. It seems that very few adults know much about this book; they’ve just heard some things.
Well, I broke down and started reading Twilight. I’m reading it because I was so surprised to hear two middle school English teachers and the elementary librarian tell me how much they liked it. I asked if it was well written to which they responded with some ambiguity, but then they went on to talk and talk and talk about the story. In some sense, it must hold some kind of merit with regards to writing if it inspired so much conversation.

So they dared me to read it. I didn’t WANT to like it. But I did. I read over half of the book in one sitting.

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Lousy Starts and Strong Finishes

2 06 2010

I’m grading papers on the second to last day of the school year.  I’m grading fast, trying to finish ASAP, so I can go run some errands.  I am more than a little ready to get out from behind my desk and browse around the hardware store, before heading home.  Teaching in May is exhausting.  And in walks Ian, who is in a very happy mood.

Ian is a junior (a senior in just 24 hours) who was an English student of mine five years ago when he was in seventh grade.  Back then, he was a trainwreck academically (he’s the first to admit that).  In spite of his positive attitude and a love for books and acting, he was a woeful writer.  He routinely earned D’s and F’s on his papers, especially on essays of any length.  He could talk your ear off, and he was terrific in dramatic performance, but writing was a source of constant frustration.  Truly, his spelling, handwriting, and syntax were awful.  Trust me.  It was scary.

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Kids Should Work Alongside Adults

28 05 2010

“Unfortunately, many of today’s teenagers make no meaningful contribution to their families.  They have nothing more to contribute to the family than reluctantly taking out the garbage or picking up their room after being told again and again. That’s not a contribution. At that point it is more like self-preservation.

“Kids need to be given responsibilities in the family that they can claim and make happen without parental badgering. It builds a sense of value and belonging. If they don’t have time, adjust their schedule to make time. Kids who make no meaningful contribution to the family tend to grow up feeling entitled and self-absorbed, making them rotten spouses, parents, and citizens as well.” – Mark Gregston, The Family Citizen (5.28.2010)

It’s important to note that young kids, as well as teenagers, need to be given tasks that are helpful to the adults in the house or playing field or classroom.  It should be totally normal for our kids to to little, helpful tasks.  They should expect to hear us say, “Hey Joey, go get those cones for me at the far goal.  Thanks, man.”  It should not shock them to hear us say, “Kathy, grab those books and that globe on the way up to the library for me.  Thanks.”  And at home, the adults should not always be working harder than the kids.  Kids should be working with their parents, not watching TV while mom and dad do all the preparing and cleaning for dinner.

Kids working alongside adults is good for everybody!


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Kindness Matters

5 05 2010

Now and then, the tables are turned, and an everyday kid doing a good deed gets some attention.

Let’s all remember that there are plenty of kids out there growing up and making a difference now.

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Sportsmanship is alive

St. Louis Post-Dispatch

It’s such an easy gesture yet it’s rarely seen…the simple act of sportsmanship.

Early in the game played on the lush fields of Westminster Christian Academy in Creve Coeur, Webster Groves lacrosse player Caroline Burk went down with a leg injury.  As coach Josh Palacios  ran to his player, she was already being attended to by Westminster Christians’s Danielle Pfyl.  The two helped Caroline to the sidelines.

These days the act is rarely seen away from the high school playing fields.

Over the course of covering six St. Louis Cardinals games so far this season, this photographer has seen more jawing between pitchers and hitters, both demanding respect.  In one instance the banter almost resulted in a bench clearing confrontation.

They could learn just a little bit from Danielle.

Read the Comments from both players here.  Wonderful stuff.

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Related Post: athletics-is-a-means-to-an-end


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Categories : Adolescence, Athletics, Education, Role Models, Social Development

Youth Sports is a Means to a Greater End

20 04 2010

Every parent of an athletic child wonders if their kid has a shot at the big time.  Well, let’s look at some hard facts related to this question. Just 2 percent of varsity high school athletes will play their sport in college, and only 1 percent will get a scholarship to do so.  Let’s take basketball as an example.  Roughly 1 basketball player from all the athletes from 8 high school teams will get a scholarship.  How many high school basketball players make it to the professional level?  0.03% Yes, that is 3 in 10,000 who make an income playing basketball.  Far less will make the big money in the NBA.  And very few of them play for very long.  The truth of the matter is brutal.  9,997 varsity high school players don’t ever make any money playing basketball; 3 do.  Of those three, two will earn about $40,000 a year in a foreign league until younger players replace them in about five years.  1 in 10,000 will gain some fame and fortune playing ball.

So kids may dream of playing pro ball, but it’s a fantasy for all but a very, very, very few who are extraordinarily talented, extremely hardworking, and exceedingly fortunate to avoid injuries and be seen by the right people at the right time.

So, is it foolish to pursue excellence in sports in high school?  Absolutely not!  But it’s essential that student athletes understand that sports is a great teacher, but it’s a lousy employer (because it isn’t hiring).  Athletics is a means, not an end.  It can teach young people valuable lessons and instill noble character traits that are extremely useful in their careers and in their relationships.

But too many kids and parents are burdened with the belief that they can do it.  They will be the next LeBron James, Roger Federer, or Albert Pujols.  I say “burdened” because the overwhelming evidence says that they will not achieve anywhere near that level of success.  And the result is a young life that is very often ultra-competitive, over-scheduled, and hyper-stressed.   Burnout is common.  Injuries can be severe (torn ACL’s and rotator cuffs among preteens are not unusual now).  Resentment often looms ahead.

Stephen Durant is an expert in youth sports, and his book Whose Game Is It, Anyway? has some excellent advice for parents and coaches of great young athletes.

1.  “Emphasize the development of virtue and character over scoreboard outcome. The development of a good character — the ability to control passion, emotion, and behavior — will always stand children in good stead on and off the playing field… Children, at any talent level, can only be truly successful in life if they possess good character.  Becoming an emotionally balanced person of courage, fairness, self-discipline, and strong ability to work as a member of a team, sets up a person for success in any endeavor, in any place” (Durant).

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Our Friend, Failure

8 04 2010

I once heard a speaker named Dan Miller at an educator’s conference tell the audience about how he learned to fly an airplane.  First, you should know that he is disabled from polio as a teenager to the extent that he can only use one arm, and he walks with a serious limp.  His sickness had canceled his first flying lesson; becoming a pilot was his childhood dream.

In his autobiography, he admits that “Planes require two good hands and two good legs to work the controls, yokes, radio, and rudder pedals.  ‘Airplanes crash,’ they would say.  ‘You’ll kill yourself.’  ‘You only have one good arm.’ ‘Your legs are too weak.’  I heard a lot of dream-breaker statements… My first lesson was awful!  I had to reach across my body for the flaps, throttle, and trim.  Every time I’d reach for them, the plane would dip, tip, and do everything but fly straight and level.  I went all over the sky.  I couldn’t fly.  My lesson was a total failure.  But I could give up on my dream yet… The next try, though still not good, was better.  I tell people, ‘If it worth doing, it’s worth doing poorly at first.’

Dan eventually got his pilot’s license and has enjoyed many years of flying adventures.  He also taught himself to play golf with only one arm, and he’s good.  He scores in the mid-80′s regularly and has a hole-in-one to his credit.  Impressive.

Anything worth doing well is worth doing poorly at first.  That is wisdom for all ages.  We need to embrace failure as a friend who is honest enough to tell us that we still need to work harder, listen to others, think more clearly, and learn more information. Failure has something to teach us every time.  That’s what makes people successful — learning from mistakes and persevering slowly toward the goal.

Consider this…

Whether it’s a left-handed layup, a math problem, or a new technological skill, kids need to be encouraged to do things poorly at first, then a little better each time, until they make real progress.  Then encourage them some more.  “See! I knew you could do it! You have improved so much! I’m proud of you. Really proud.”

Try it.

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Chess Builds Brains

30 03 2010

Chess is one of the best educational games of all time.  Even the most casual player will admit that the game forces you to think critically –  just to stay alive and not look like a fool.  There is no way to simply stroll through even a single move in chess.  You must think creatively and carefully before each move.  And while some may say that kids today are not capable of sitting still for an hour to play a game that has no electric power source, there are millions of kids today proving that assumption wrong.  Kids who play chess will tell you that it’s fun and challenging and they wish more kids would join in with them.

Now, there are other games which require similar thinking skills, but there may not be a better game for sheer educational value.  The number of thoughts per minute is staggering.  Offensive options, defensive trouble-shooting, cause-effect relationships, spatial awareness, calculating numbers, imagination, and creative thinking are just a few of the thought processes that are involved in every move.

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Our Food Crisis

3 03 2010

As a middle school track coach, I get the privilege of educating young athletes about the importance of eating and drinking things which will help them feel better as they practice and perform better in competition.  It’s a crash course in nutrition, but I am amazed at how many of them will make real changes in their diet, based on just a little bit of education and motivation.

Jaimie Oliver is a pioneer in this area, and we all have something, if not a lot of things, to learn from him about how to help kids grow up well.  This is for the benefit of all kids, not just the obese.


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Beware of ChatRoulette

28 02 2010

Once again, we have a new use of the internet which is flat out dangerous to kids.  Thank you, Common Sense Media, for looking into this.  Please read the full review at Common Sense Media.  Here’s an excerpt…

“The first time on CHATROULETTE is an unnerving experience. Almost immediately upon entering the site (there’s no log in or registration) you’re face-to-face with a total stranger whose saying “Hi” and asking you where you’re from. It’s an experience unlike anything else on the Internet right now. Created by a 17-year-old student in Russia, Chatroulette combinines the social networking of Facebook, with the web cam abilities of Skype this site takes full advantage of the anonymous capability of the Internet. You are just “You” and the person on the other end of the screen is just “Stranger.” The site itself isn’t much to look at, just bare bones text boxes and camera squares, but really that is enough in itself.

“The technology isn’t new by any means, however this use definitely is. The scariness of seeing a string of strange men’s naked torsos is enough to send most people fleeing from the site in terror, however there is something strangely addicting to this social “gambling” that speaks volumes to the human condition. Look for more regulated sites springing up that tweak this concept and reign in the content in the near future. Also expect to hear a lot more about this site as it explodes onto the mainstream. Whatever you do, don’t let your kids use it.”

This new form of Russian Roulette will be pointed right at our kids, unless we keep a close watch.  May this serve as a reminder that kids need a lot of guidance and supervision as they use the internet.  Here are some excellent safety guidelines from Common Sense Media.


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The Acne Song

10 01 2010

Here’s a young man who knows how to handle the dreaded difficulty of teenage acne.  Something tells me this guy is going to be more than just fine.


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Too Much Internet, Too Soon

8 01 2010

What was the most popular Christmas gift this year for 5th graders?  The Apple iPod iTouch.  What is the most popular gift for 6th grade birthdays and graduations?  Hands down, a “smart” cell phone.  And what do they have in common that makes them so popular?  The most coveted feature is the wireless internet accessibility, so that kids can surf the web, email, instant message, and play web-based games from their pocket-sized device at any WiFi hotspot (home, school, coffee shops, bookstores, etc).  At first glance, it seems like a really fun toy and a great way to keep in touch with preteens who are increasingly mobile.  In fact, it seems like a great safety device – a way to keep in touch, to know where kids are and what they are doing all the time, and to allow kids to call for help when needed.

But at what cost?  What are the hidden costs that counter these benefits?  How many parents are even aware that there are dangers in this wireless revolution?  Well, let me pull back the curtain a little to show you what is really going on in the digital lives of many children and teenagers (and these are not just a few latchkey kids).

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Are Your Kids Resilient?

17 12 2009

Bouncing Back: Increasing Resilience for Hurting Kids

This is an excerpt from an article by Maria Drews on August 3, 2009. (Fuller Youth Institute)

Our kids face obstacles every day — difficulties with friends, stress at school, issues with boyfriends or girlfriends. But many of the students we work with also face larger obstacles-poverty, violence at school or in their neighborhood, parents getting divorced, substance abuse in their homes, homelessness, teenage pregnancy, abuse, or domestic violence. Remarkably, some kids seem to make it through these situations intact, while others crumble before our eyes.

Even more remarkably, there are kids who even thrive despite facing huge struggles. Which leaves us scratching our heads — Why are some kids able to bounce back from tough stuff, while others aren’t? What are the differences between those who seem to make it through in one piece and those who seem to fall apart? And what can we do to help more kids survive — and even thrive — in the midst of steep challenges?

Responses to Adversity

When adolescents face tough stuff, they experience adversity — defined in the research as serious stress or trauma that can be physical or psychological.1 Adversity can be a one-time event (such as a violent incident at school) or a long-term situation (like living in poverty). There are a lot of ways the teenagers we know might respond to adversity in their lives.  Here are a few typical possibilities: Read the rest of this entry »


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Respecting Girls

12 12 2009

Theodore Roosevelt once said, “A healthy-minded boy should feel hearty contempt for the coward and even more hearty indignation for the boy who bullies girls or small boys, or tortures animals…“  Strong words from a strong man for boys.

It all starts on the playground.  Boys treating girls disrespectfully is nothing new, however the new trend is that boys are treating girls as lesser boys, and it’s causing larger social problems.  It starts as teasing and harassing on the playground and ends up in failed marriages and broken homes.  Call it old-fashioned, but boys should treat girls BETTER than the guys.

Instead, boys bully girls, and the girls learn their own manipulative ways to fight back and against each other.  (Certainly, girls are not without blame, for in many ways they perpetuate the problem, but that’s a whole other article.)

Girls were made to be different than boys, and it’s a wonderful thing which should be celebrated.  Any attempts by a girl to be a boy typically winds up a mess, to say the least.  Boys tend to push, wrestle, hit, and make fun of their best guy friends.  And they say dumb — sometimes brutal — things to each other, and they tend to get over it pretty quickly.  This behavior does not fly well with most girls, beside the fact that it’s just not appropriate in any way. What hatches in elementary school, grows fast in middle school, and is full-grown in high school — the battle of the sexes.

So, yes, boys should treat girls differently.  They can and should be friends, but the nature of the friendship must be different than with the guys.  There needs to be a much higher level of care and respect.  The words and actions in the locker room should be different than in the company of girls because there IS a difference.

In past generations, most dads taught their sons these values.  Read the rest of this entry »


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Helicopter Parents

6 12 2009

D.H. Lawrence, the literary giant, advised parents and teachers a century ago: “How to begin to educate a child. First rule: leave him alone. Second rule: leave him alone. Third rule: leave him alone. That is the whole beginning.”

At first glance this seems to be the worst parenting advice in the history of written words.  And to support that further, Lawrence had no children. However, there are situations in which this radical advice should be heeded: Helicopter parents. Paranoid teachers. Paralyzed administrators.

TIME magazine’s cover story (11-20-09) is a lengthy editorial, worth every bit of the 15 minutes it takes to read, especially if you are a hard-working, highly-committed parent or teacher under the age of fifty.  You may not be a hovering, smothering parent or teacher; however, you still might benefit from a good dose of reality about how we — sometimes in subtle ways — over-protect, over-nurture, over-schedule, and over-stimulate the kids in our care.

Sometimes, less IS more, when raising kids to be significant, successful adults.

Give it a read, and please feel free to leave a comment about it below (anonymous comments are welcome).  I’ll start it with my own comment.

The Growing Backlash Against Overparenting, by Nancy Gibbs, Friday, Nov. 20, 2009


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Categories : Adolescence, Education, Parenting, Self-Discipline, Social Development

Delayed Gratification

18 11 2009

Very few things anymore take a long time to happen.  Nearly everything is available in an instant.  Instant messaging.  Movies on demand.  Cell phones with internet access.  Instant winners.  Ultra-fast food.  Five-minute total-body workouts.  You name it, and America can make it faster, so we can fit more into our days.

A major component of growing up is learning to deal with long waits and unexpected delays of all kinds. Mature adults learn that many of the best things in life take a long time to develop.  A great education takes twenty years.  A rock-solid, happy marriage takes a good decade to develop.  A garden is made over the course of many months, with daily tending.  Hunting or fishing takes tremendous patience and skill developed over years of practice.  Many of us are awaiting Spring flowers already.  These are some of the greatest joys of living, and some people just flat-out miss out.  They’d prefer a TV dinner to a slow-roasted turkey.

Abigail Van Buren once wrote, “Maturity is: The ability to stick with a job until it’s finished; The ability to do a job without being supervised; The ability to carry money without spending it; and The ability to bear an injustice without wanting to get even.”

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Kids Need Community

26 10 2009

“No man is an island,” said John Donne, in reference to the ripple effect of the death of one man in a community.  Indeed, we are made for community; we are not meant to live alone.  By living and working with others, we enjoy many benefits.  By choosing to go it alone, whatever the endeavor, we give up countless blessings.  While mavericks make great movie characters, real loners miss out on so much. Unfortunately, there are more and more loners in our modern world.

A large social study in 2006 at Duke University illustrated “a sobering picture of an increasingly fragmented America, where intimate social ties — once seen as an integral part of daily life and associated with a host of psychological and civic benefits — are shrinking or nonexistent.”  Click here for the article “We’re not saying people are completely isolated. They may have 600 friends on Facebook.com and e-mail 25 people a day, but they are not discussing matters that are personally important.”

teen in hall alone

It’s nothing new to learn that many people find it extremely difficult to live with others.  They find themselves in all kinds of trouble when they have to work with others at length.  They hurt people’s feelings, and they get hurt.  They annoy and they get annoyed.  They both get jealous and cause jealousy.  So, they do the logical thing; they take the path of least resistance and withdraw from others.  They become independent, vowing to avoid the problems that people cause in their lives.

After all, it is much easier, in the short run, to look out for yourself and take care of your own business, steering clear of other people’s business.  But easy is not always good, especially when it comes to relationships.

Robert D. Putnam, a professor of public policy at Harvard and the author of Bowling Alone, wrote his famous book about the same problem – increasing social isolation in the United States.  He believes that people must make deliberate steps to join and remain in small communities; otherwise, they will suffer great long-term consequences.

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Categories : Parenting, Relationship, Social Development

If (Rudyard Kipling)

22 10 2009
.
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
.
If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:
.
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
.
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!
by, Rudyard Kipling
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stockxpertcom_id517550_jpg_a08834e58ec7fa56bab828ba2578eb25


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Categories : Adolescence, Education, Self-Discipline, Social Development

Just Believe in Yourself

19 10 2009

“Just believe in yourself, and you can achieve anything.”

“Pursue your dream, and don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do it.”

“If you dream it, you can be it.”

Countless movies, songs, TV shows, and motivational speakers have preached this message.  And countless teachers, coaches, and counselors preach the same message.  Parents teach their children the same.

So, why would any young person ever doubt it?  Most believe it 100% — until they experience enough reality that they realize that it’s a lie that adults tell to make children (and themselves) feel good. It’s just like the Easter Bunny, Santa Clause, and the Tooth Fairy.  It’s something that feels good and right at the time, but eventually, life reveals that it’s just not true.

basketballHow many boys have spent hours each day playing basketball in the driveway because they knew that they could one day play in the NBA?  How many make it?  How many can even reach the simple goal of dunking?  I know I tried everything to dunk, only to find that I was just not able, no matter how much I believed, how much I practiced, or how much I learned.  I wasn’t good enough to play in college either.  I wish someone (or several people) had told me something a lot more truthful, such as, “Quit trying to dunk and spend more time shooting because your only chance at playing in college is as a shooting guard.  But don’t count on it, since the odds are extraordinarily stacked against it.  Studying is much better for you than playing so much basketball.”

How many girls have spent endless hours singing in order to make it in the music business.  How many make it?  How many can even reach the simple goal of getting the lead part in their high school musical?  How many high school musical leads get a recording contract?  How many girls will be the next Miley Cyrus or Beyonce?  What percentage of American Idol contestants succeed in getting fame?  For millions of girls, it just doesn’t happen — no matter how much they believe in themselves and practice and learn and believe some more.  It’s a fantasy.

It hinders kids to tell them that they can do whatever they put their mind to.  And that’s in addition to the fact that it is a lie.  It may be easy, feel-good advice, but it’s not true and it’s not helpful.

So what’s the solution?

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Categories : Adolescence, Athletics, Education, Parenting

Asinine Arguments

6 10 2009

If you’ve worked with kids for any significant amount of time, you will see yourself somewhere in this, since some kids love to argue for the sake of the argument.  And sometimes we engage in an argument that is just plain stupid.

If you want the entire 6-minute video, then here it is.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQFKtI6gn9Y&feature=related

The moral of the story is that it is important to realize that there are many times when an argument is simply asinine.  See also: senseless, idiotic, ridiculous, ludicrous, absurd, nonsensical, inane, moronic.

An argument with a preteen or teenager is usually avoidable.  But first, you must recognize what is happening.  You must understand the warning signs of an unnecessary argument.  Here are some possible reasons to postpone the argument for a better time, or to simply disengage from the discussion entirely.

  • It’s a truly petty issue (from all perspectives).
  • One of you is very tired, hungry, hot, or hormonal.
  • One of you is deeply upset about some other issue.
  • Blame is falsely-placed (they have to take out their anger on someone).

Point being that, more often than not, arguments are avoidable.  It’s best to post-pone the discussion, and be sure to actually revisit the issue at a better time, and deal with it more effectively.

In addition, it’s crucial to remember that being right is not the most important thing in the world.  In fact, the relationship with a person is more important than you feeling that you are right.  Therefore, don’t beat up the other person with your “rightness.”  Don’t demand that they acknowledge how very right you are or how very wrong they are.  Instead, choose to err on the side of love, rather than fueling your need to feel right at that moment.


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Slowing Down for Kids’ Sake

24 09 2009

On the way home from soccer practice last night, my son asked if he could join a track and field team.  This is right after an evening in which his mother spent 30 minutes shuttling him from his school to my workplace, where he worked very hard for 60 minutes on his homework, before we frantically sped home to quickly change clothes and scarf down some dinner, followed by a 30-minute battle with traffic to get to his 90 minute soccer practice, followed by a bleary-eyed 30-minute drive home.  The timing of his request was terrible, so he was hurt by my harsh response.

I had to explain to him that we just don’t have the time and energy to add that sort of commitment to our family life.  It was difficult for him to believe.  It’s a lot like when we say that we can’t afford to buy something, such as a massive plasma TV.  He doesn’t believe me because he knows that we can afford a house, cars, food, clothes, and all kinds of other expensive items.  So, I have to explain that we have to make choices because we can’t buy it all or do it all.  We have limited resources: time, money, and energy.  It’s hard for a kid to fully grasp the concept of over-commitment.

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Categories : Discipline, Spiritual Development

Teens Growing Up Very Well

18 09 2009

With all of the real-life stories and media dramatizations of teens who are totally dysfunctional human beings, it is easy to come to the conclusion that kids lose their minds and hearts somewhere around 12 years old and that they may or may not recover in their college years.  The word “teen” has all kinds of negative connotations.  It is now almost assumed that every person will be totally adrift for several years, if not all, of adolescence.  Well, it’s just not true.

There are lots of kids growing up REALLY well, learning to love deeply, serve effectively, and make the world a far better place wherever they go.  There are a lot of kids out there making their parents, teachers, and coaches proud – and loving life along the way.

This is some must-see-tv…

more about “Camp Barnabus“, posted with vodpod

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Categories : Adolescence, Relationship, Resiliency, Social Development, Spiritual Development

Being a Good Loser in Youth Sports

14 09 2009

After a weekend out of town at my son’s soccer tournament, I’m a little tired of hearing, “Did you win?”  It was, without question, the single-most popular question of the weekend. Even strangers in the hotel would ask my uniformed son, “Didja win?”  And each time he would sadly reply, “No,” followed by an awkward silence.

For an 11-year-old boy who loves to win, it’s not easy, especially when you lose all three games.  Especially when you drive 5 hours each way to make it happen.
DSC00625
O for 3.
Winless.
Losers.

And yet he and his teammates played so hard and so well. They did all that their coach asked them to do.  They pressured the ball on defense.  They stayed spread out.  In particular, they passed the ball much better than all the other teams.  They put together nice plays and took more shots than the other teams.  They kept playing hard, giving their best – body, mind, and heart – even when knocked down over and over without a foul being called.   Shot after shot would hit the goalposts or just miss the net.  But then they’d give up a breakaway goal to the other team.

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Categories : Athletics, Education

Avoiding Alcohol in Adolescence

10 09 2009

The following is an excerpt from “A sobering time for parents” by SHEILA WAYMAN (printed in the Irish Times 9-01-09)

“Our approach to drinking in Ireland is not normal; we drink to get drunk,” says consultant child and adolescent psychiatrist Dr. Bobby Smyth, who specialises in addiction. Every day, through his work at the Drug Treatment Centre’s offices in Dublin, he sees the collateral damage of that culture among teenagers.

“We know the younger the person starts drinking, the more likely they are to develop a dependency on alcohol in later life, the more likely they are to develop a drug problem.”

They are also much more likely to take part in risky behavior and suffer accidental injuries.  In addition, drunkenness is undoubtedly the gateway to other drugs.

The whole point of adolescence is to pick up the skills needed for an independent life. The last thing that’s needed at this stage is the “crutch” of some chemical substance.

“The longer kids avoid alcohol, the better for them” – both mentally and physically. It can cause irreversible damage to a still developing brain, not to mention the liver.

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Categories : Adolescence, Physical Development

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