The Paradoxical Commandments

28 04 2013

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.

Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.

Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.

Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.

Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.

Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.

Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.

Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.

Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.

Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth.

Give the world the best you have anyway.

© Copyright Kent M. Keith 1968


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Categories : Education, Faith, Relationship, Resiliency, Social Development, Spiritual Development

Pain Kills: Thoughts on the Aurora, CO Massacre

25 07 2012

This week in Aurora, Colorado, a young man massacred 12 innocent men, women, and children, and injured 58 others, as he sprayed gas and bullets in a crowded movie theater. Those who weren’t injured physically are traumatized emotionally, along with the thousands of friends and family members of the dead.  Beyond those directly involved, the good citizens of the United States of America are grieving and scared due to this act of terrorism.

Many in the media are focusing on the gun control debate, which has its place, but I want to focus on the question that bothers me the most. How does a sweet little boy grow up to become a cold-blooded killer?

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Categories : Adolescence, Boys, Faith, Family, Media Influence, Parenting, Relationship, Resiliency, Social Development, Spiritual Development

Protecting Kids From the Inside Out

10 03 2012

Unlike consumer products, parenting comes without instructions or guarantees. We all want our children to grow up happy, healthy, successful, and involved with positive-minded family and friends. However, our children live in a broken world, and it has a way of breaking young people, sooner or later, one way or another. But there is real hope because some young people do indeed grow up well. So, what’s a parent to do, in the face of the sinful human nature and a toxic popular culture, to raise a truly healthy young adult?

We tend to focus on what we can implement to protect our kids by setting appropriate boundaries, establishing positive activities, and providing safe environments in which our kids can grow. While those are all important aspects of raising “good kids,” they are not enough.

1 Samuel 16:7 says, “The Lord does not look at the things of man. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” Apparently, God is more interested in the inner life than the outer life, therefore we should be concerned primarily with the inner life of our children. Unfortunately, most parents focus primarily on the behavior of their kids – the outer life. Parents often react to symptoms, rather than causes. But outward behavior is not isolated from the heart of the child. Behavior is a reflection of the inner reality. Therefore, it is not possible to fix outward behavior permanently without dealing with the problems of the heart.

There is no formula for fixing problem behaviors in children, but an inside-out approach will be more effective than behavior management.

Growing Up Too Fast

A major source of the problem is that kids are growing up too fast. Read the rest of this entry »


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Categories : Adolescence, Faith, Family, Middle School, Parenting, Relationship, Social Development, Spiritual Development

Temple Grandin’s Autistic Ability

7 02 2011

Many of our kids have disabilities, and it’s absolutely essential to focus on their abilities, rather than hyper-focusing on their inabilities. That’s easier said than done, of course, but it’s crucial.  It helps to have some inspiring stories to keep us motivated and hopeful.  Here’s one.

Dr. Temple Grandin did not talk until she was three and a half years old, communicating her frustration instead by screaming, peeping, and humming. In 1950, she was diagnosed with autism and her parents were told she should be institutionalized. She tells her story of “groping her way from the far side of darkness” in her book Emergence: Labeled Autistic, a book which stunned the world because, until its publication, most professionals and parents assumed that an autism diagnosis was virtually a death sentence to achievement or productivity in life.

Dr. Grandin has become a prominent author and speaker on the subject of autism because “I have read enough to know that there are still many parents, and yes, professionals too, who believe that ‘once autistic, always autistic.’ This dictum has meant sad and sorry lives for many children diagnosed, as I was in early life, as autistic. To these people, it is incomprehensible that the characteristics of autism can be modified and controlled. However, I feel strongly that I am living proof that they can” (from Emergence: Labeled Autistic).

Even though she was considered “weird” in her young school years, she eventually found a mentor, who recognized her interests and abilities. Dr. Grandin later developed her talents into a successful career as a livestock-handling equipment designer, one of very few in the world. She has now designed the facilities in which half the cattle are handled in the United States, consulting for firms such as Burger King, McDonald’s, Swift, and others. Dr. Grandin presently works as a Professor of Animal Science at Colorado State University. She also speaks around the world on both autism and cattle handling.

As part of NPR’s “This I Believe” series, Dr. Grandin explains how autism actually helps her solve problems that others cannot.

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Categories : Adolescence, Education, Role Models

Family Matters

19 01 2011

Imagine two American families, living on the same street, both successful in pursuing the American dream. Their Christmas cards are equally impressive. All their kids are college-bound. Their marriages are stable, and they are in the midst of meeting their career and material goals.  There are no skeletons hiding in their closets; what you see is what you get with them. But there is a difference that only their very closest friends and family might recognize.

Let’s first meet the Johnson family. Jim is an engineer, who loves to fish and go to his kids’ ball games as much as he can. He is a Boy Scout leader, a bible study leader, and a really nice guy, by all accounts.  His wife Sue works part-time as a nurse at the local children’s hospital, in addition to raising three teenagers. Jack (16) plays three competitive sports and gets mostly A’s. He plays guitar in a garage band and loves to ride his dirt bike. Sally (14) is an average student but a truly outstanding gymnast who travels a lot for competitions. When home, she likes to go to the mall or the movie theater as much as possible. Jimmy (12) is interested in everything; he has dozens of hobbies, plays select soccer, is a Boy Scout, and still manages good grades. All in all, the Johnson’s are active, productive, and very busy. They seem content with life and get along well with all kinds of people. They are good neighbors, but they aren’t home much.

Now, meet the Landry family next door. Lou is also an engineer, and Donna works part-time at the elementary school where their three teenage kids attended. The three kids are Josh (17), Bill (15), and Claire (13). They are above-average students, but do not excel in sports or the arts. Except for a few minor incidents, the kids stay out of trouble. After dinner, they like to watch movies together, so they just built a family theater and a “ping pong arena” in the basement. Whenever possible, they get away to Grandpa’s cabin on a lake, where they do a lot of fishing, waterskiing, swimming, cliff jumping, and reading (since there’s no TV at the cabin). Lately, at night, they’ve been playing some very animated games of Texas Hold-em; Mom is actually the best bluffer of the bunch. Their neighbors miss them when they are gone at the cabin because they are a fun-loving family.

So what’s the difference? It’s subtle but powerful.

 

It’s all about WITH. One family lives WITH each other, while the other does not.  The Landry’s play with each other, hang out with each other, and eat with each other. The Johnson’s, however, are not with each other much, except in the car, en route to somebody’s activity. Most people would never see the difference, but it’s a big one. One family is a team, while the other is a bunch of individuals. Yes, the Johnson’s appear to be a tight family, but they are not.  They each have their individual lives, full of their own favorite activities; they freely pursue their own happiness, free from the inconveniences of the family bond.

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Categories : Adolescence, Parenting, Relationship, Social Development, Spiritual Development

Prepare Them for Life

17 07 2010

Protection and provision are not enough.

“Here’s the paradox: If we protect our children too absolutely, we actually end up exposing them to other risks.  And leave them without the skills, experiences, and minor life lessons that they’ll need to handle the big challenges as they grow up.” (Perri Klass, M.D.)

When children are very young, they must be protected and nurtured in absolutely every way.  An infant is helpless and needy at all times.  He must be fed, clothed, changed, transported, and even cajoled into sleep – or else he will get sick and die.  Babies are totally unprepared for life.  Now flash forward 18 years, and that same human, now full-grown, had better not be helpless or needy, or else something very wrong has taken place in the meantime.  That 18 year old should be a strong, self-sufficient young man, able to learn on his own at school, have a variety of healthy relationships, and be able to do the jobs that other adults require of them, in order to have any success in his adult life.  After all, he is a legal adult with all the rights and privileges that come with: working, paying taxes, continuing education, voting, getting married, having children, and even fighting in a war.  He should be ready to fly on his own – maybe not soar yet, but fly enough to survive.

In a recent article about “helicopter parenting” we get a glimpse of the problem from the eyes of a college professor.  “Kathleen Crowley, a professor of psychology says parents’ eagerness to overdirect their children’s lives has led to young adults who are less independent and creative than the generation before. Twenty years ago, Crowley announced an upcoming test in her college classes and that was the end of the discussion. Now, she says she’s expected to provide students with a study guide so they know exactly how to prepare, and she’s had these same young adults come to her in tears because they’d earned their first B and didn’t know how to cope. Because of this “extended adolescence,” when these students graduate and enter their careers, they’re now offered workplace mentoring and on-the-job training just to ensure their success.” (Jennifer Gish)

So why are so many 18-28 year old men and women still in adolescence?  Why are so many having nervous breakdowns in the midst of their inability to deal with the trials of life?  Why are so many young men and women crippled (socially and emotionally) in the adult world?

The answer may be simple, but the solution is complex.  The young man’s parents, teachers, and coaches may have done a fine job of protecting and providing, but they did not prepare the child for adulthood.  The solution is not so simple.  HOW do you prepare a child to succeed on his or her own?  (The following is not a comprehensive list)

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Categories : Adolescence, Discipline, Education, Parenting, Relationship, Resiliency, Role Models, Self-Discipline, Social Development

Kids Should Work Alongside Adults

28 05 2010

“Unfortunately, many of today’s teenagers make no meaningful contribution to their families.  They have nothing more to contribute to the family than reluctantly taking out the garbage or picking up their room after being told again and again. That’s not a contribution. At that point it is more like self-preservation.

“Kids need to be given responsibilities in the family that they can claim and make happen without parental badgering. It builds a sense of value and belonging. If they don’t have time, adjust their schedule to make time. Kids who make no meaningful contribution to the family tend to grow up feeling entitled and self-absorbed, making them rotten spouses, parents, and citizens as well.” – Mark Gregston, The Family Citizen (5.28.2010)

It’s important to note that young kids, as well as teenagers, need to be given tasks that are helpful to the adults in the house or playing field or classroom.  It should be totally normal for our kids to to little, helpful tasks.  They should expect to hear us say, “Hey Joey, go get those cones for me at the far goal.  Thanks, man.”  It should not shock them to hear us say, “Kathy, grab those books and that globe on the way up to the library for me.  Thanks.”  And at home, the adults should not always be working harder than the kids.  Kids should be working with their parents, not watching TV while mom and dad do all the preparing and cleaning for dinner.

Kids working alongside adults is good for everybody!


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Categories : Adolescence, Discipline, Parenting, Self-Discipline, Social Development

Globally-Aware Kids

17 05 2010

One of the most important things for kids in America to know is how very fortunate they are in relation to children just like them around the world.  Too many kids think that they have earned the blessings in their life due to their good behavior or some such sense of entitlement.  The truth is that they are blessed by the mercy of their Maker who, for whatever reason, saw fit to place them in one of the most peaceful and prosperous nations in the history of the world.  Being born into a stable American family is not normal; it’s a privilege.  And that’s just the start of the parade of blessings in most kids’ lives in America.

It’s also essential for our kids to see that they may not be able to change the world single-handedly in a day, but they can do something.  A little bit everyday to help others goes a long way.  And a great idea pursued with passion once in a blue moon goes a long way.  Whatever it takes to get kids more involved in helping others, especially those in great need, is a wonderful thing.

Consider how you might find a way to help a young person in your life gain a more global perspective.  Here’s a video made by a boy and his dad in an attempt to raise money for the most vulnerable people on the planet – orphans in poverty.  If nothing else, the missionaries who run the orphanage and school, Lian and Clara Tombing, are great role models of loving service for others.

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Kindness Matters

5 05 2010

Now and then, the tables are turned, and an everyday kid doing a good deed gets some attention.

Let’s all remember that there are plenty of kids out there growing up and making a difference now.

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Sportsmanship is alive

St. Louis Post-Dispatch

It’s such an easy gesture yet it’s rarely seen…the simple act of sportsmanship.

Early in the game played on the lush fields of Westminster Christian Academy in Creve Coeur, Webster Groves lacrosse player Caroline Burk went down with a leg injury.  As coach Josh Palacios  ran to his player, she was already being attended to by Westminster Christians’s Danielle Pfyl.  The two helped Caroline to the sidelines.

These days the act is rarely seen away from the high school playing fields.

Over the course of covering six St. Louis Cardinals games so far this season, this photographer has seen more jawing between pitchers and hitters, both demanding respect.  In one instance the banter almost resulted in a bench clearing confrontation.

They could learn just a little bit from Danielle.

Read the Comments from both players here.  Wonderful stuff.

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Related Post: athletics-is-a-means-to-an-end


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Categories : Adolescence, Athletics, Education, Role Models, Social Development

It’s a Wonderfully Difficult Life

29 11 2009

 

It’s a Wonderful Life strikes a chord — several chords — deep in my soul, every time I watch it.  Most importantly, it makes me want to be a better man and to live my life as well as I can for my friends, family, and community. Deep down, I want to be counted in the ranks of the George Baileys of the world.  And if I can’t, then I want my son to get there upon my shoulders.

“It’s a Wonderful Life” should be required viewing for every young person growing up.  Anyone over the age of ten should see this movie with their parents, grandparents, or any adult who cares enough to explain what’s going on as the film rolls.  If you haven’t seen it in a few years, do so.  And bring a kid along for the ride.

This movie says it all about growing up well.  It does not hide the truth that life is hard, and it’s even harder for those who choose to serve others.  It teaches just about every character trait you would want to see in a young man or woman.  In no way is it an easy life — just ask George Bailey — but it’s worth it all.

Here’s a fun little trivia game for lovers of this movie…Click here



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Categories : Adolescence, Relationship, Resiliency, Role Models, Self-Discipline, Social Development

Remember Who Protects Us

11 11 2009

Veteran’s Day is a humbling holiday.  There are no presents exchanged or extravagant meals shared.  In fact, if celebrated properly there should be at least a few melancholy moments of deep respect for those who have sacrificed and are sacrificing to make the United States of America the home of the free.

We enjoy abundant freedom, prosperity, peace, and safety due to the voluntary sacrifices of the men and women of the Armed Forces of the past, present, and future.

Let’s not forget to honor those who have served as our protectors. We owe it to them to live well, making the most of our freedom, to make this nation better than it was.  That begins with us and must be passed on to the next generation.

Click here for a nice tribute to the Armed Forces.

Click here to learn a new way to thank those in our service.

army_reserve_sunset_wp


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Categories : Education, Role Models

Teens Growing Up Very Well

18 09 2009

With all of the real-life stories and media dramatizations of teens who are totally dysfunctional human beings, it is easy to come to the conclusion that kids lose their minds and hearts somewhere around 12 years old and that they may or may not recover in their college years.  The word “teen” has all kinds of negative connotations.  It is now almost assumed that every person will be totally adrift for several years, if not all, of adolescence.  Well, it’s just not true.

There are lots of kids growing up REALLY well, learning to love deeply, serve effectively, and make the world a far better place wherever they go.  There are a lot of kids out there making their parents, teachers, and coaches proud – and loving life along the way.

This is some must-see-tv…

more about “Camp Barnabus“, posted with vodpod

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Categories : Adolescence, Relationship, Resiliency, Social Development, Spiritual Development

Heroic Teen

17 09 2009

In my last post, I shared my disgust about how nobody did anything to stop a recent beating on a school bus in Belleville, Illinois.  My conclusion is that we need more kids who will step up and help those who are in danger of abuse.  We need more parents, teachers, and coaches to show kids when and how to deal with bullies.

Well, here’s a young man who deserves all the praise in the world.  He’s the real deal.  Meet Kaleb Eulls.

MSNBC reported: Eulls first opened the emergency door in the back and told the other kids to get off the bus. At the same time, he tried to get the girl to focus on him.  “I just tried to catch her attention to get the girl to point the gun directly at me and not at anyone else,” Eulls said. For several tense minutes, as panicked kids tried to get off the bus, Eulls faced the girl, calmly telling her to either give him the gun or put it down. He told Holt that he was aware that he could have been shot, but if the girl was going to pull the trigger, he would rather that she shot him instead of one of his three younger sisters or another student.



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Categories : Role Models, Violence

Real Men Drive Minivans

16 08 2009

There comes a time in a man’s life when the favorite car gets traded in for a minivan.   It’s a bitter pill to swallow, and in time you start loving its usefulness.  You begin to think that it’s worth all that money.  Then you see all the stains, smells, dings, scratches, and dents that pile up on that thing, and you just want to scream.  It’s one of many little – and not so little – sacrifices that men make for their families.  One day I heard one of the car guys on Car Talk call the popularity of the minivan the “wussification of the American male.”  I laughed, then wanted to cry.

Leading kids, whether its parenting, coaching, teaching, or mentoring, requires self-sacrifice.  But it’s really not a sacrifice; it’s a series of trade-offs that may seem awful in the short view, but they are worth it all in the long run.  72estate05-crop

I had a baseball coach in middle school who had this awful Chevy station wagon, but it was a great way to lug half the team and all the gear around town.   He hated that old beater of a car, but he loved us.

Andy Gullahorn is a terrific singer/songwriter from Nashville who should be a lot more popular than he is.  His song “More of a Man” speaks to all the 30-something Dads out there.

The summer when I turned sixteen / I got up each day before the dawn / I was building barns and bailing hay / Worked harder than the day was long.  /  Now I’m 30 and I have three kids / I watch Dora the Explorer in the morning / I feel a sad truth sinking in / Maybe I was more of a man back then.

Buy the song on iTunes for a buck, or do yourself a favor and buy the whole album.

There are many things I miss from my bachelor days or the days with my wife before kids.  But the trade-offs are worth it all.  And so much of life is a package deal.  With the deteriorating minivan comes countless smiles and laughs.  And meaning.

So I suck in my protruding gut  / On our monthly dinner night / You’re saying something about the kids  / As I watch these young men pass me by. / I remember I was just like them / I was lonely but I called it independent  / And if lonesome is what manly is / Baby, I was more of a man back then.

This reminds me of one of my favorite movies, The Family Man, which always reminds me why “I choose us,” minivan and all.


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Categories : Parenting

Embracing Interruption

13 08 2009

Today was the first day of the school year, the day when the hallways of our middle school are jam-packed with beaming 12-14 year olds.  They are beaming with delight at being reunited with their old friends, beaming with suntanned faces full of braces, and beaming with shiny new school supplies, locker decorations, and fresh-out-of-the-box Nikes.
back to school
It’s pretty exciting, really, even for a guy who has socks older than these kids.  The buzz is real.  You can feel it all day long.

And on day one of school, it feels right and very innocent.  Every one is curious all day, going from classroom to classroom, anxious to discover who they will be with all year.  Teachers feel the same way about it, checking out the kids, seeing if we might know their parents or siblings.  We are all trying to get a feel for what the whole year might become and trying to make the best of the fact that there is a year of hard work ahead.  There is great hope that this might just be the best year yet.

I had that exact thought this morning just before school started.  This might really be the best year yet, of all my 16 years attending the first day of school as a teacher.  Then, just before the apex of this blissful moment, I was interrupted by the piercing bong of the PA system and an excessively loud announcement, which was irrelevant to about 998 of the 1,000 people on campus (myself included).  I hate that PA.  Buzz killed.
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Categories : Relationship

iLife

7 08 2009

Five girls are all smiling and screaming excitedly at each other in the lunchroom, even though they are well within a four foot circle of each other.  Katie squeals, “I can’t believe I got an A on the science test.  I didn’t study at all!”

Sally yells, “I totally bombed the test!  It was so unfair!”

Susie shouts, “I have a math test this afternoon.  But I’ll ace it!”

Adrianne yells, “One time, I saw Jake cheat in Mr. K’s class and nobody told…”

Katie interrupts, “I can’t believe Jill still likes Jake.  She’s such a flirt.”  On and on, each girl in the huddle shouts louder and louder because nobody is listening.  Not a single girl responds directly to any of the other girls’ comments.

Nobody says, “Really, that’s amazing.  What’s that like?”

Nobody says, “Cool, tell me more.”  Or “Wow, that must have hurt.  How do you deal with that?”

Instead, it’s just one long and loud string of statements, beginning with the word, “I…”

What is going on here?  The first two answers are simple.

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Categories : Media Influence, Spiritual Development

Don’t Baby Them

6 08 2009

BENEFITS OF STRUGGLING

“A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole.

Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. Then the man decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily.

But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened!

In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life.  If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. And we could never fly.”

chrysalis

I got this in an email forward, years ago.  It’s simple, yet profoundly important in relation to helping 10-14 year olds in their struggle in the chrysalis of adolescence.

Too often adults expect too little of the kids in their care.  Adults can cripple kids by solving every problem for them or by removing every painful thorn in their path.  It’s best not to baby them too much.  They need to stretch and writhe in solving their own problems in order to grow up strong enough to solve much bigger problems later in life.

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Categories : Resiliency


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