Perpetual Parenting

It’s likely that you are being a great parent even when you aren’t thinking about it. You may be doing a heck of a job of training your children without even trying to do so. Unaware, you can parent well. Unfortunately, that door swings both ways. You can be a terrible parent without thinking about it (most lousy parents never think about it).

Whether you are directly or indirectly parenting, it is perpetual. This is the good news and the bad news. You are a role model all day every day. It never ends. Even after your child has left the home and has a family of his or her own. Children will always look to their parents.

sonParenting is tacit. Sometimes you are totally oblivious to the fact that you are parenting intensely. In fact, the most powerful moments as a parent are often when you least expect it. You are imprinting yourself — your values, your beliefs, your actions, your attitudes — deeply into the impressionable clay that is your growing child. And yet, it may not feel like you are molding anything. You are just living with your kids. You are tired. It’s just every day life. And yet, your child is soaking up everything you say and is reading your body language very carefully. Continue reading “Perpetual Parenting”

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The Peril of Productionism

 

Busy MomMy wife and I struggle with what I call productionism. It is a variation of perfectionism. It is the belief that a man’s value comes from his ability to accomplish or produce something, or that a woman’s worth is found in the amount that she can get done in a day. In other words, a good man is productive every day, while a lazy man is a lousy man. A good day for a good woman is measured in the amount of to do’s accomplished before her head hits the pillow at night.

Productionism is a little different than perfectionism because things don’t have to be done perfectly, they just need to be done efficiently. A productionist is practical and efficient, always trying to accomplish a lot in a little time.

In stressful, busy situations, productionists follow these mantras:

  • When the going gets tough, the tough gets to work.
  • If you feel overwhelmed, just do the next thing. You can do that much.
  • If you can’t do a big thing, just do a few small things. You will feel better then.

Appointments - list of day's appointments written on a spiral paProductionists brag to others about how much they accomplish. They make lists, check them off, and congratulate themselves. Some will even keep as trophies their old lists with all the crossed out tasks.

Being a productionist is not all bad, of course, but it’s a major problem when tasks overwhelm the ability to love others and enjoy life along the way. When tasks are more important than people, we are way off track. Unfortunately, the productionist will often choose the tasks over people, since there is more control and more pride in doing than in being. Continue reading “The Peril of Productionism”

Connect With Your Young Teen

First Connect, Then Guide

celebrateThe best parents are the ones who are deeply connected with their children and offer support and guidance all along the path of life. They’re the ones who care enough to say, “No, you can’t do that, because I love you too much to let you settle for that.” And their children know that they mean it.

Good parenting is about being confident that you have a far higher calling than to just be a friend or dish out punishment. It is about being an authority who loves always and takes the time to guide and train a child to grow into an independent person. Continue reading “Connect With Your Young Teen”

Prepare for Happiness

Lately, I have been pondering the question, “What are some things that I can do to put myself in a better position to be more happy?”

The following is an outline summary of the things that seem to work for most people. It comes from a variety of sources and is not specific to any religion. It is not a formula for happiness. It is simply a set of good practices to get positioned for some more happiness.

  1. Command Your Body – Be the benevolent dictator of your body. Don’t give in to its desires. Guide it toward optimal health.
    1. Sleep regularly
    2. Eat a balanced diet
    3. Drink a lot of water
    4. Exercise regularly
    5. Stretch often
    6. Breathe deeply
  2. Feed Your Soul – Counter the noisy, busy, competitive culture. Refuse to be too busy. Make space for joy.
    1. Meditation / Prayer
    2. Solitude
    3. Music
    4. Nature
    5. Sabbath from work
    6. Enjoyable activity
    7. Gratitude
  3. Stimulate Your Mind – Keep growing mentally. Exercise and feed your brain with new input.
    1. Read for pleasure
    2. Read for learning / wisdom
    3. Learn new skills
    4. Converse with interesting people
  4. Connect with People – Take time to build honest, meaningful relationships. Give and take within your social circles. Avoid toxic people as much as possible.
    1. Family intimacy
    2. Friends who bring out your best
    3. Colleagues and neighbors
    4. Community (religious, municipal, social…)

When we practice these things — and not all of them are needed at all times — we are more likely to be more happy more often. And when we practice these things, we become a role model for our children, and they will follow in our healthy, happy footsteps. It might be the most important part of raising healthy, happy kids.

The Sacred Honor of Being a Parent

A Unique Relationship

Parenting is a unique relationship, wherein the parent is authorized by law and by God to protect, provide, nurture, and discipline. Ultimately, the parent must somehow control self and child enough to train for independent success.

Parenting is a special relationship, one in which the parent is fully responsible for the children in the early years and only a little less responsible as the children grow older. It requires enormous sums of time, energy, and money. It requires tough love, tender affection, as well as the shades of grey in the middle.

Parenting is so challenging because every situation is complicated and varies from past situations. What works today may not work tomorrow. And the stakes are high for the parent because the “success” or “failure” of the child directly reflects upon the good or bad reputation of the parents.

What other relationship comes close to that kind of responsibility and intimacy?

Parents Are Heroes to their Kids

Thanks to Family Share for the video. Super Work!

Speak Your Kids Up

Here is a sneak peak at the book I am writing about parenting:

Kids need to see and hear their parents doing hard things, persevering, and being resilient. So, discuss life’s issues with your kids, and don’t dumb it down too much. They can handle and can learn a lot from some transparency. My wife talks to our kids, not as peers, but as very intelligent young people. Ever since our oldest son could understand language, she talked with him in a way that most people would assume was too advanced. She did not engage in baby talk after babyhood. It was full-on conversations. I laughed at her sometimes at the way she explained how and why everything worked. It seemed silly at times, but sure enough, she was right. The kid rose to her high level of language and cognition. And she does the same with our daughter who is physically and mentally disabled. She assumes too much perhaps, but she is absolutely right in raising the level of discussion higher than seems reasonable. And sure enough, our daughter’s language comprehension is far beyond what it should be. The point is that our kids can learn so much from us. They are much smarter than we give them credit for. So, teach them everyday about everything, and they will grow up smart and wise.

Embracing Parenting

Here is a sample from my latest project. It’s a chapter from my not-even-close-to-being-finished book. Feel free to give me some feedback.

Be the Parent

I believe that there is neither “The Way” nor “God’s Way” to raise children. There is no formula for success. But that does not mean that there are not good practices and bad practices. Indeed, there are things that generally work and things that generally do not work. This book is devoted to clarifying the difference.

However, the key to being a good parent is the pursuit of more effective practices and attitudes. We need to be seeking a better way by praying for wisdom, talking with other devoted parents, reading various books, observing happy families, and trying to improve the way we help our kids grow up well. We can’t get complacent. We can’t just be ourselves. We need to become better lovers and leaders of our kids, and I believe we will find our way if we keep on.

The real danger is for parents who do not examine their ways. Continue reading “Embracing Parenting”

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