The Holidays — the six weeks of Thanksgiving, Chanukah, Christmas, and New Years — are a magnifier. In general, happy people get happier, sad people get sadder, lonely people get lonelier, etc. This is true for children, adolescents, adults, and the elderly.
For some, life is going pretty well, and the holidays are the most wonderful time of year, chock full of sentimental decorations, music, food, smells, and traditions that celebrate love, peace, family, friendship, and all that is good in life. The holidays are the icing on a good cake. Bring it on. All of it.
For others, the holidays are not so happy. Instead, it is a time full of the most painful reminders of what is not present in their lives. Continue reading The Holidays Are a Magnifier
Once again, his room isn’t clean, not by any standard. Her backpack, jacket, and shoes are scattered about the floor of the hall, again. His grades are sub-par in math, again. She is making the family late to school, again. He seems to be nonchalant about his music audition this weekend. She isn’t running enough to prepare for soccer tryouts next week.
How do you approach the lack of motivation: carrot or stick?
What’s the best approach: direct confrontation, positive affirmation, a new system of consequences? Push hard or back off? Constructive criticism?
Who knows? It’s a minefield, to say the least.
It’s a thin line between motivating your child and provoking him or her to rebellion. Motivating a child, especially a teenager, is not an easy road. There will be resistance, mistakes and regrets, and that is if you are doing it right.
Continue reading Motivate. Don’t Manipulate Your Kids.
You are never done parenting.
There is never enough time, energy, money, or wisdom to do it all right.
Parenting is incessant, and perfection is impossible.
No professor will give you an A for all that you did for your children this semester.
No counselor will tell you that you can now celebrate because you have accomplished all the objectives of parenting.
No PTA will give you an award for excellence.
However, you can try to keep it simple and just do your best one day at a time.
Keeping it simple, for me, looks like this.
If I am doing those three things moderately well today, then I am doing something truly great.
I am being a good parent.
I am not perfect, but I am doing something very good well.
Parenting is messy. It’s often a blender full of emotions, tasks, and conflicts. That why we so often feel pureed by our family life.
Parenting is mundane. It requires incessant planning, cleaning, cooking, driving, laundry, arguing, more driving, phone calls, filling in forms, more driving, more cleaning, on and on.
But parenting is also a “glorious ordinary.” It is a beautiful mess.
This video illustrates this well.
Do you look for beauty in your messy everyday life? It’s there, but you have to look for it. Slow down, look around, and ponder the mundane elements in your home. Find some everyday wonders.
Look at your dog. Really look at him. He may need a bath, and he causes problems, but what a loyal companion he is, putting up with your inconsistent love.
Look at your messy kitchen. It looks better when clean, but a clean kitchen is not alive. A dirty kitchen exhibits nourishment. It’s the scene of the best aromas of life and some of your greatest meltdowns. The kitchen is the heart of the home, where real drama plays out and real food feeds the weary. Continue reading Ordinary Parenting
Everyone has at least one book in them. Critical Connection is mine.
Ever since I was ten, I wanted to grow up and have a happy family. Since I was sixteen, I wanted a career in which I could help teenagers to grow up well. As a teacher, coach, and parent, it has been my privilege to do so – often ineffectively, of course. One of the things I have learned along the way is that there are very few good books out there about parenting early adolescents (10-14 year olds).
In 2009, I started blogging here at Growing Up Well, and over the next few years people would say to me, “You really need to write a book.” Continue reading The Story of the Book
This guy is my new role model.
To hell with all the celebrities. This guy is a real man.
Watching this video does more than inspire me. It does more than make me want to be a better father, husband, and teacher. It makes me feel better about being a man in an inhumane world. It makes me focus on love, rather than the circumstances of my life. And that is a valuable lesson that is best taught by wounded healers like Mr. Wright and best learned in the crucible of life’s hardest times.