If You Have 4th-8th Graders…

…you should watch this 2-minute video that explains “early adolescence” and the need for doing things a little differently.

Parenting is Regulating

Every parent should regulate their children’s behavior until they are ready to regulate their own. It will likely be a 20-year process, which starts with full regulatory control of the infant and ends with total release of all control at adulthood.

What does it mean “to regulate?” In grammatical terms, it is a transitive verb, meaning that a subject rules or governs another object by adjusting the time, amount, degree, or rate of something upon the object.

Let’s take food, for example. An infant has no idea how to handle his hunger pains, can’t make decisions about food, and can’t feed himself. It is the parent’s job to fully control the diet of the child. The twenty-year old, on the other hand, should have mature eating habits within his full control: when to eat, what to eat, how much, how to shop, how to cook, how to balance his nutrition with exercise, etc. Continue reading “Parenting is Regulating”

Motivate. Don’t Manipulate Your Kids.

lonely boy2Once again, his room isn’t clean, not by any standard. Her backpack, jacket, and shoes are scattered about the floor of the hall, again. His grades are sub-par in math, again. She is making the family late to school, again. He seems to be nonchalant about his music audition this weekend. She isn’t running enough to prepare for soccer tryouts next week.

How do you approach the lack of motivation: carrot or stick?

What’s the best approach: direct confrontation, positive affirmation, a new system of consequences? Push hard or back off? Constructive criticism?

Who knows? It’s a minefield, to say the least.

It’s a thin line between motivating your child and provoking him or her to rebellion. Motivating a child, especially a teenager, is not an easy road. There will be resistance, mistakes and regrets, and that is if you are doing it right.

Continue reading “Motivate. Don’t Manipulate Your Kids.”

Helping an Orphan Grow Up Well

A friend of mine told me that, while reading my book this week, she had a random idea come to her about how to help her 15 year-old goddaughter who is an orphan. As she told me her idea, I was blown away by her wisdom. It’s the kind of story that I find deeply inspiring.

Her goddaughter — let’s call her Heather — has had an incredibly difficult childhood. Heather’s father abandoned her at a very young age. Nobody knows where he is. Her mother was a drug addict who spent years in prison, then died in her late 30’s of cancer. She probably could have survived the cancer if she had followed her treatments, but her drug addiction disabled her from caring for herself.

Heather, now 15, has been an orphan for a few years. She lives in an apartment with her older sister and her cousins. Due to her circumstances, Heather is very independent. She can take care of herself, to say the least. Because her older sister works long hours, she goes to school and does her homework on her own. She stays out of trouble. She doesn’t mess around with boys or drugs. In fact, she is a cheerleader and has plenty of good friends, the kind who stay out of trouble as well. She’s a really good kid, by all accounts, but her grades are pretty low, and she lacks direction about her future.

Still, my friend is concerned about her goddaughter. Continue reading “Helping an Orphan Grow Up Well”

The Story of the Book

Everyone has at least one book in them. Critical Connection is mine.

Ever since I was ten, I wanted to grow up and have a happy family.  Since I was sixteen, I wanted a career in which I could help teenagers to grow up well. As a teacher, coach, and parent, it has been my privilege to do so – often ineffectively, of course. One of the things I have learned along the way is that there are very few good books out there about parenting early adolescents (10-14 year olds).

In 2009, I started blogging here at Growing Up Well, and over the next few years people would say to me, “You really need to write a book.”  Continue reading “The Story of the Book”

Connect With Your Young Teen

First Connect, Then Guide

celebrateThe best parents are the ones who are deeply connected with their children and offer support and guidance all along the path of life. They’re the ones who care enough to say, “No, you can’t do that, because I love you too much to let you settle for that.” And their children know that they mean it.

Good parenting is about being confident that you have a far higher calling than to just be a friend or dish out punishment. It is about being an authority who loves always and takes the time to guide and train a child to grow into an independent person. Continue reading “Connect With Your Young Teen”

Storm Preparation

A Creeping Crisis

Some crises develop gradually. Some are excruciatingly slow.

Perhaps it is the approaching death of a parent with terminal cancer. Or it is the military dad/son/husband who will be deployed to an overseas conflict. Or it may be a huge financial crisis, which will likely take away the family’s savings and home.

In these situations, the anticipation of the looming crisis is a danger in itself, for anxiety can take deep root early, and that can be paralyzing.

At some point a person facing a slow-moving crisis makes decisions (conscious and subconscious), to deal with it or ignore it. Psychologist call it the “fight or flight” response. We can run from our problems or fight them head on. Of course, we often do both. We fight something for a bit, then flee it for a while. I suppose, that is not a bad strategy, actually, as long as the general attitude is to win, not just avoid. So, we can fight. Regroup. Then, fight again. Continue reading “Storm Preparation”