It’s likely that you are being a great parent even when you aren’t thinking about it. You may be doing a heck of a job of training your children without even trying to do so. Unaware, you can parent well. Unfortunately, that door swings both ways. You can be a terrible parent without thinking about it (most lousy parents never think about it).
Whether you are directly or indirectly parenting, it is perpetual. This is the good news and the bad news. You are a role model all day every day. It never ends. Even after your child has left the home and has a family of his or her own. Children will always look to their parents.
Parenting is tacit. Sometimes you are totally oblivious to the fact that you are parenting intensely. In fact, the most powerful moments as a parent are often when you least expect it. You are imprinting yourself — your values, your beliefs, your actions, your attitudes — deeply into the impressionable clay that is your growing child. And yet, it may not feel like you are molding anything. You are just living with your kids. You are tired. It’s just every day life. And yet, your child is soaking up everything you say and is reading your body language very carefully. Continue reading “Perpetual Parenting”
A friend of mine told me that, while reading my book this week, she had a random idea come to her about how to help her 15 year-old goddaughter who is an orphan. As she told me her idea, I was blown away by her wisdom. It’s the kind of story that I find deeply inspiring.
Her goddaughter — let’s call her Heather — has had an incredibly difficult childhood. Heather’s father abandoned her at a very young age. Nobody knows where he is. Her mother was a drug addict who spent years in prison, then died in her late 30’s of cancer. She probably could have survived the cancer if she had followed her treatments, but her drug addiction disabled her from caring for herself.
Heather, now 15, has been an orphan for a few years. She lives in an apartment with her older sister and her cousins. Due to her circumstances, Heather is very independent. She can take care of herself, to say the least. Because her older sister works long hours, she goes to school and does her homework on her own. She stays out of trouble. She doesn’t mess around with boys or drugs. In fact, she is a cheerleader and has plenty of good friends, the kind who stay out of trouble as well. She’s a really good kid, by all accounts, but her grades are pretty low, and she lacks direction about her future.
Still, my friend is concerned about her goddaughter. Continue reading “Helping an Orphan Grow Up Well”
Everyone has at least one book in them. Critical Connection is mine.
Ever since I was ten, I wanted to grow up and have a happy family. Since I was sixteen, I wanted a career in which I could help teenagers to grow up well. As a teacher, coach, and parent, it has been my privilege to do so – often ineffectively, of course. One of the things I have learned along the way is that there are very few good books out there about parenting early adolescents (10-14 year olds).
In 2009, I started blogging here at Growing Up Well, and over the next few years people would say to me, “You really need to write a book.” Continue reading “The Story of the Book”
First Connect, Then Guide
The best parents are the ones who are deeply connected with their children and offer support and guidance all along the path of life. They’re the ones who care enough to say, “No, you can’t do that, because I love you too much to let you settle for that.” And their children know that they mean it.
Good parenting is about being confident that you have a far higher calling than to just be a friend or dish out punishment. It is about being an authority who loves always and takes the time to guide and train a child to grow into an independent person. Continue reading “Connect With Your Young Teen”
Lately, I have been pondering the question, “What are some things that I can do to put myself in a better position to be more happy?”
The following is an outline summary of the things that seem to work for most people. It comes from a variety of sources and is not specific to any religion. It is not a formula for happiness. It is simply a set of good practices to get positioned for some more happiness.
- Command Your Body – Be the benevolent dictator of your body. Don’t give in to its desires. Guide it toward optimal health.
- Sleep regularly
- Eat a balanced diet
- Drink a lot of water
- Exercise regularly
- Stretch often
- Breathe deeply
- Feed Your Soul – Counter the noisy, busy, competitive culture. Refuse to be too busy. Make space for joy.
- Meditation / Prayer
- Sabbath from work
- Enjoyable activity
- Stimulate Your Mind – Keep growing mentally. Exercise and feed your brain with new input.
- Read for pleasure
- Read for learning / wisdom
- Learn new skills
- Converse with interesting people
- Connect with People – Take time to build honest, meaningful relationships. Give and take within your social circles. Avoid toxic people as much as possible.
- Family intimacy
- Friends who bring out your best
- Colleagues and neighbors
- Community (religious, municipal, social…)
When we practice these things — and not all of them are needed at all times — we are more likely to be more happy more often. And when we practice these things, we become a role model for our children, and they will follow in our healthy, happy footsteps. It might be the most important part of raising healthy, happy kids.
Here is a sneak peak at the book I am writing about parenting:
Kids need to see and hear their parents doing hard things, persevering, and being resilient. So, discuss life’s issues with your kids, and don’t dumb it down too much. They can handle and can learn a lot from some transparency. My wife talks to our kids, not as peers, but as very intelligent young people. Ever since our oldest son could understand language, she talked with him in a way that most people would assume was too advanced. She did not engage in baby talk after babyhood. It was full-on conversations. I laughed at her sometimes at the way she explained how and why everything worked. It seemed silly at times, but sure enough, she was right. The kid rose to her high level of language and cognition. And she does the same with our daughter who is physically and mentally disabled. She assumes too much perhaps, but she is absolutely right in raising the level of discussion higher than seems reasonable. And sure enough, our daughter’s language comprehension is far beyond what it should be. The point is that our kids can learn so much from us. They are much smarter than we give them credit for. So, teach them everyday about everything, and they will grow up smart and wise.
Here is a sample from my latest project. It’s a chapter from my not-even-close-to-being-finished book. Feel free to give me some feedback.
Be the Parent
I believe that there is neither “The Way” nor “God’s Way” to raise children. There is no formula for success. But that does not mean that there are not good practices and bad practices. Indeed, there are things that generally work and things that generally do not work. This book is devoted to clarifying the difference.
However, the key to being a good parent is the pursuit of more effective practices and attitudes. We need to be seeking a better way by praying for wisdom, talking with other devoted parents, reading various books, observing happy families, and trying to improve the way we help our kids grow up well. We can’t get complacent. We can’t just be ourselves. We need to become better lovers and leaders of our kids, and I believe we will find our way if we keep on.
The real danger is for parents who do not examine their ways. Continue reading “Embracing Parenting”