Social Skills Needed: Apply Here

There is a social epidemic that has swept the nation.  While it used to be contained to young teenage girls, it is striking adults at an alarming rate in recent years.  It sounds like this: “Um, it’s kinda like, well, you know when you just can’t really, like, seem to just um say like what um you like want to say?   Like, um, do you know what I mean?

Rolling eyes

The epidemic is clearly some kind of communication disorder, but it lacks a name.  We need a good label.  How about Unintelligible Verbal Skills Syndrome?  Adult Communication Avoidance?  Teenage Verbal Nonsense Disorder? Arrested Social Development?  I think that one fits best – Arrested Social Development – because it’s really all about kids not growing up.

This communication deficiency is a sign of a larger problem.  It’s more than just the inability to make coherent statements with purpose and confidence.  It’s the larger problem of young adults not growing up in their speech, in their manners, or in other social skills.  It’s seen in adults who talk and act like immature teens, even preteens, in so many ways.

Historically, parents have taught young children to shake hands with adults, look them in the eye, and say something positive, such as, “It’s nice to meet you.”

Elementary school teachers work with children to say “please” and “thank you” and to begin sentences with “May I…”  They expect kids to show respect, but they often feel like the world is working against them.

Middle school teachers know that kids need to be taught how to speak in public.  So, we teach them the following:

  • Stand up straight, so you will look confident.  (Don’t slouch.)
  • Look at the audience, as much as possible.  (Eye contact is important.)
  • Speak loudly and clearly, so everyone can hear you.  (Don’t mumble.)
  • Smile and speak with enthusiasm.  (Bored people are boring.)

High school teachers require students to call them by their formal names, in order to create a sense of respect.  “Hi, Mr. Callahan. What are we doing today in class?”

Many college fraternities teach their freshman pledges to shake hands firmly, make some eye contact, introduce yourself, and then immediately introduce whoever is with you by name.  And when in doubt, do not be afraid to say, “I’m sorry, would you tell me your name again?

The military teaches young men and women all about how to show others respect with their body language, their words, and all sorts of other good manners.  Ironically, our soldiers, who are trained to kill, are often the most polite and respectful people in our society.  It’s because they have been TRAINED to be polite and respectful, and they are expected to practice their skills in every formal situation.

But it’s amazing how few young adults do any of this.  Frankly, too many kids are not growing up with any refined social skills.  They lack manners, and they don’t even realize how it’s limiting them.  Just imagine the job interviews.

I remember being a cocky high school senior, visiting with my dad and a college admissions officer (who happened to be a former Air Force officer) about whether I might be admitted to that university.  After our visit, my father explained to me that my body language was all wrong in that meeting.  I did not look the man in the eye, I slouched in my chair, and I appeared generally disinterested.  In reality, my poor social skills had ruined the interview.  Fortunately, I learned a valuable lesson because my father took the time to teach me how to improve in this area.
Greeting
That is the good news: Kids CAN learn to be sociable, and those who can exhibit good manners and social skills WILL stand out from the crowd. People will take notice and will give them praise.  These kids will be way ahead of the curve and will enjoy many benefits.  They will be given more than their fair share of respect and help from teachers, coaches, and other adults who hold the keys to their future.

So, let’s end Arrested Social Development.  Let’s be more deliberate in training young people to be more socially adept. It won’t come naturally to them, and the popular culture won’t be of any help.  It takes training and modeling from people who care.  We can do that.  Can’t we?  Can’t we help train a few kids – at least the ones in our direct care—to be well-mannered?

Author: Andy Kerckhoff

I'm a husband, father, teacher. I'm doing my best, wishing I could do better, and trying to help others to effectively lead kids through early adolescence.

4 thoughts on “Social Skills Needed: Apply Here”

  1. Oh my goodness, that is a picture of me when I was that age. It’s a wonder my eyes didn’t stick that way! Somehow I still turned out okay.

  2. Great article. If we as parents can see the value in what you just stated. I’m afraid the emphasis is placed on many other things, sports, grades, social acceptance by peers or our own pleasures.

    Manners need to be modeled at HOME first. No guarantees the kids will follow through outside the home. There are programs that teach manners and etiquette. This could give guidance to the parents who are unsure of the protocol of manners today. Some things never change, however.

    Maybe we should consider an encore class on manners, acceptable social behaviors. At the end of the course a handbook would be sent home with the students for the parents to read and sign :).

  3. I think that the younger we can start the better. I’m not suggesting that we have our 5 year olds act like grown ups. I always think that is a little strange. But certainly by middle school these should be expectations. It doesn’t mean they will do things correctly all of the time, but with reminders they should improve.

    I just reminded my 13 year old of my expectations before his orthodontist appointment. He seems to suffer from “brain block” around coaches, doctors and teachers. There is stuttering and stammering and patience is required. It’s that awkward time between childhood and adulthood. They just don’t know which they are yet and they really ARE in between these stages.

    Kids will often look at their parent after an adult asks them a question as if to say, “Oh, did you want ME to answer that or are you going to do it for me?” Kids are used to being passive onlookers and now we are expecting them to engage with adults in a meaningful way. That’s a lot of pressure and I think they get a bit nervous.

    So after my gentle reminder before heading into the orthodontist I got to sit there and listen to my son speak, not in little abrupt words or phrases, but he actually spoke to the doctor! They had a nice conversation. It was as if my reminder was also giving him permission to speak freely and on the same level with the adult. Great moment. I wonder if he’ll remember the next time?

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